Thursday, September 12, 2013

Dealing with Relationships Uncensored! My Sister: Part 2


Hi guys! If you missed the first part to this series, you may find part one HERE. I know some of you are probably asking yourselves, why is she trying so hard for a relationship with someone who clearly is not on the same page!!? Can’t she take a hint!? Yeah, looking back, I am asking myself the same thing. But to answer that question, I tried so hard because she was family, she was my sister, and WE are Christians…And ever since I knew myself, ever since I met her when I was 8 years old, I dreamed of having a sisterly relationship with her…and the rest of the other siblings too. But at that point (Nov, 2011) when we had that one email exchange where I poured my heart and soul out, clearly stating my hopes and dreams for our relationship as sister, I was kinda left hanging…I realized that I had to wake up and smell the coffee. I realized that it was TIME to stop trying and put away childish dreams. So I took her lack of response, refusal to clarify her statements, and refusal to have a conversation as her saying she couldn’t give me what I wanted…She couldn’t promise to be a friend, sister and aunty to my future children, or to have a really strong, close relationship. And while that did hurt, accepting it was rather freeing…

It has been almost two years since that last email exchange I referenced…And since that time there have been A LOT of major life changes for me…well for us…Firstly, I got pregnant, and had a baby! A baby who is almost one year old! During my pregnancy and subsequent birth of my son, we have been immensely blessed with the love of friends, my in-laws and the love of our brothers and sisters in Christ. While I was trying to seemingly force someone to have a relationship with me (my sister), God was preparing other people in my life to fill the void of not having any immediate family around. There was not a moment in the past year and a half that we were in need, particularly, emotionally. God supplied and oversupplied. I was looking for something over there…Meanwhile, God was filling my cup right in front of me…It’s a lesson in contentment. Too many times we find ourselves asking God for something…Meanwhile we are so busy looking “over there” at what we don’t have that we take for granted that God has supplied our every need “right here.” And if we do not realize God’s blessings right in front of us…we will forever feel empty and sad.

NOW, while I experienced this great epiphany of “letting go” I have realized (most recently) that the manner in which I let go was not good. You see, when my sister responded vaguely to the email I poured my heart and soul out, and didn’t seek to clarify when I asked, I just “stopped.” Since she seemed not to want much of a relationship with me, I stopped emailing…I stopped dropping the, “how are you doing?” emails…And essentially I stopped loving. But how can you love someone, who is not present? Who doesn’t want to talk? And who many not want a relationship with you? Hmmm, maybe we should ask Jesus about that? How did He love the people who wrongly convicted Him? How did He love His disciples when they were not there for Him in His darkest moments on earth (Matt 26:36-46)? HOW? By still being you…By still allowing Jesus to shine through.

If I have to change me…and the way I demonstrate love to you, because of what you are not giving me, then something is wrong…*GASP* Kaara, please you cant expect us to go around loving everyone like that…God certainly does not expect us to have a close relationship with everyone…True…But here’s what I did…Because I believed that she did not want to have a relationship with me, I withheld myself from her. For example, she sent a general merry Christmas greeting to everyone…I didn’t respond – INTENTIONALLY. One week later, I send a happy new year response and a request for phone numbers (because my phone was stolen) and I get no response from her. Which helped to prove my point that she didn’t care. When I sent our pregnancy announcements, I didn’t send it her…I did however send it to my oldest sister, who shared it with everyone else…I knew this because one of my other sisters randomly emailed me to say congrats. Yet, this sister in question never said anything, though she knew. When Jayce was born I decided to send the email announcement to everyone…To which she did respond with a simple congrats. In my mind, I was purposefully withholding myself…

So finally, last week I emailed her to ask if there is “bad blood” between us. And that the Bible does call us to deal with situations if we know that someone has ought against us or if we have ought against someone. Her response was most positive…She said that she doesn’t have any bad blood, and that she is happy for us with the new baby, joy opportunities and move and that she wishes us the best and is praying for me. At first, I thought her response was QUITE disingenuous. Because my first thought, and question to her was, okay then…If there is no bad blood, why haven’t you called/emailed or communicated with me in the past two years?…What about that email I sent way back when? Do you remember it? Would you be willing to talk? Guess, what the response what? THERE WAS NONE! Surprise, surprise…

But I finally had an ah-ha moment…yet another epiphany if you may. If I take her word for it…IF I believe what she says, then I will also see that she is at peace with the way things are with us. She is okay because she was never the one trying to seek a super close relationship with me…IT had always been me…So while I may have taken the lack of communication personally…While I may have taken her lack of willingness to speak with me on the phone about MY issues with her personally…While I may have missed having her in my life and feeling hurt by that…Those were not HER issues. And I don’t have a right to transcend my issues onto her.  I also don’t have the right to judge her heart, because I don’t know her heart. Perhaps I was the one with “bad blood” due to our lack of relationship. Perhaps I was the one thinking about how “bad” they are since they never once picked up the phone to call me when I was pregnant or since Jayce was born. Perhaps I was the one and ONLY one who has any negative feelings with the nature of our relationship or lack thereof…You know what…I think that may very well be true!

A couple years ago, I wrote a blog post about my family detailing the history with my siblings and my childhood dreams of having a relationship with them. I talked about letting go of that dream and setting myself free…Because honestly, I would often end up hurt, sad, and in tears, unbeknownst to them. They had no idea how I felt or what I desired from them. But it was around that time, I had to stop looking for them to love me in that special sisterly way…And once I did, things were better…FOR ME. I stopped looking for them to “be there.” So when they were not present during my pregnancy or birth of my child, I was okay…As a matter of fact, their absence, made me so much more grateful for the blessings of friends! And the people God strategically placed in my life…But ever so often I find myself thinking about them…And I wonder if the distance that I allowed by not calling, emailing, or seeking a relationship was the right thing to do? I think it was.

When I wrote the post I referenced above, one of my sisters responded very negatively to it. She essentially said that I have a lot of issues, resentment and bitterness inside of me and that I need help. She also said,

You have a very selected memory my dear- and if you think we sit around scheming up ways to make your life miserable – let me help you out. Life is happening, people are busy, we go through enough drama and heartbreak and worry of our own to invent ways to torture you.”

It was clear that she really didn’t understand where I was coming from…And I did my best in subsequent emails to explain my heart…I don’t know if she got it but here is what I learnt through all these experiences. IT was MY dream as a child to connect with them…It was MY dream as an adult to seek a close relationship with them…It was ALL ME. And if you think about it, it’s truly unfair for me to then expect them to share in that dream when it was never their dream! While I was thinking about them in Trinidad, they barely even knew of my existence! Their mother came to the U.S. in the 70’s and worked literally night and day to support five children by herself. She put every one of them through private school in NY and did her best to set them up for success…Meanwhile, our father was in Trinidad…with me…supporting me and taking ME to school…He was not even there when they needed him the MOST. Who am I to now demand of them a close relationship??

But granted, they did give me a relationship…It may not have been the kind of relationship I dreamed about…but they did open their hearts…Because you HAVE to open you heart to sit at the dinner table to with the “outside” child and be okay. You have to have a loving spirit to take me into your home, allow me to sleep in your bed and share part of your life with me…You have to have the love of God in you to give me your clothes from your closet…and share food from your table…And even to write congrats when my baby is born…Again, it may not be the way I would like to see it, but I can no longer deny it. People love the best they know how…People express their love the way they learnt…And people will feel hurt when you claim you are “unloved” when they had to move a mountain in their heart just to say hi! They are not trying to hurt me...They are just doing the best they can with what they have…And I just have to accept that…and even APPRECIATE it.

With my sister…I did my due diligence to let her know how I felt and what I desired…it was then up to her to respond. When someone offends us, it is our responsibility to let them know…Not hold it inside with pent up feelings! Our goal is to obtain a resolution, but know that is not always possible…And in the absence of a resolution you have to keep loving…She has made her choice and I now have to accept it and respect it. But when someone does not respond the way we want them to, we have to be careful not to respond negatively and say, “well fine then…keep your love…I’ll take my love elsewhere!” *pouts*

Everyone has pumpkin vine relatives…People they don’t have a particularly close relationships with for no particular reason…I have relatives like that…My father’s first born son for example…I don’t have a relationship with him because I don’t really know him…all I know is that his name is David, he’s married and has two girls around my age whose names I don’t know. They used to visit when I was really little…Obviously David is much older than me…But daddy never made it a point for us to know each other…OR even for me to know my nieces or spend time with them…As a result of that, we don’t know each other…I am sure I can call David up now and have dinner with him when I go to Trinidad and there will be no ill feelings…But I never thought about doing that because David was never on my radar. And I never dreamed about having a relationship with him and his family…But thinking about it now…that wouldn’t be half bad…Hmmmm….:) I think I have found a new project!!

But it’s the same way with my sisters and me…Wouldn’t it be strange if I find out David felt hurt that I didn’t invite him to my wedding? Or that I didn’t tell him about our son? Wouldn’t that be really weird too? But what if David was like me, dreaming about fostering a relationship unbeknownst to me. And my lack of actions hurt him. It would certainly be unintentional on my part…And I believe the same may be true for my sisters…I wasn’t even on the radar when I showed up…And then out of the blue, 2003 I move to the US and suddenly I am there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and visiting and emailing and calling…They think, oh she’s so nice and friendly…And I think, oh my long lost sisters!! We all are operating from two different point of views and have two different expectations…None of which had been communicated and all of which was assumed.

So here is my two-cents…Don’t close the door on relationships…That is not of God to cut people off or sever ties. Remember that person has a soul, and you have a responsibility to help them get to heaven…You are free to change the nature of any relationship if that is appropriate…You are free to establish boundaries in your relationship and inform them of those boundaries…BUT never do something out of hurt…Your actions should always be from a place of love…And THAT is easier said than done…Lord have mercy!! I am still working on HOW to do that. Forgive, but still love…And allow the light of Christ to shine in me through my actions…I think when I tried to distance myself, and let go of the need to be a special part of their family I may have closed the door in my heart…To protect myself from future hurt…And I am now trying to figure out how to protect my heart, have boundaries, but still have love with every action, and reaction I demonstrate. This is a work in progress! 

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