I believe that each of us as adults have certain aspects of our lives that remain childish. Basically, it’s as if we never “grew up,” and a certain memory or event can send us back into time when we were 8, or 12, or 16. The same feelings, thoughts, hurts, anger, emotions we experience at that time come alive…and almost seems to haunt our existence in this present day. It’s the reason why so many adults act like children when they are upset…We often wonder what is wrong with her!? Why is he acting like a child? Maybe that child never grew up emotionally…Maybe that child has so many unresolved feelings that he or she was not given the opportunity to grow up.
I remember when I was 8 years old I came to the United States of America for the first time! It was the summer of 1989…and I was bursting with great excitement! I remember literally jumping for joy when I received the news that daddy and I were going to New York! I was downstairs, in the yard…It was a hot sunny day in Trinidad…and he told me we were going…With giddy ecstasy, I jumped, and jumped, and jumped! Because for the first time in my life I was going abroad…But more than that, for the first time in my life, I was going to meet my sisters and brother! And I was so excited to meet them! Ever since I knew myself I knew I had 4 sisters and 1 brother (on my father’s side) who lived in the U.S. and I could not wait to meet them! I had seen pictures of everyone, and knew each person in their birth order.
As the plane hovered over the city, sky scrapers dressed the city. I was enamored with the lights, and big buildings. This was amazing!
Believe it or not, I was a quiet and shy child. But once I felt comfortable, I would cling on to you for dear life!
I remember meeting my step mother. I was a little intimidated at first because she scolded me for not “talking proper.” She said something and I did not hear, and in typically “Trinidadian dialect” I said, “eh?” A word we use to mean, “huh?” but without the attitude. It’s generally accepted to use “eh” in local dialect. Well, I guess my step mother didn’t feel that way. I tried to stay quiet and just keep out of the way.
Of everyone I met, S treated me the best. She was the second oldest, and was about to be the first to move out of the house! She was starting school at MIT. Daddy always told me that she had a dream when she was younger that she would fly the fastest plane in the world. And so she went off to college to study aeroespacial engineering. Of course I didn’t know all of that at the time. But I remember her teaching me how to count to 10 in French…She took me outside of the apartment and she allowed me to climb her back…And she took me around like a little kid on her back. She even took me to Boston the weekend she left home to move onto campus. G (the middle child) also went…I remember G did not have much patience for me…I annoyed her a lot (but what 8 year old wouldn't annoy their older sister)…to the point where she left me home alone while we were in Boston! I don’t remember how, but I almost did not end up at the restaurant that night for dinner…I had to run and follow from behind because she was leaving me! That was too funny. Well, it was not funny then, but looking back on it I can laugh now.
My oldest sister, H, had the primary role of being the mother hen! I remember her giving off that motherly role more than a sisterly role. She tells you what to do and bosses you and everyone else around…Even to this day…It’s quite annoying actually. But hey what can you do...Got to love them right!
The last two siblings of the five (Z and D) showed open dislike for me. During the 3 weeks I was there they tortured and tormented me…said mean things, and treated me like crap! My brother hand a pair of handcuffs that he used to handcuff me to the bathroom door. I screamed and cried for help, but no one came to my rescue. Another day, he, along with Z put my hands behind my back, handcuffed me, attempted to stuff a dirty sock in my mouth, and stuff me in the bedroom closet. I literally screamed for my life!! I screamed, cried, and bawled like never before in my life. While in the closet, I was determined to get out, and I backed myself against the wall and gave one big push!!! The bottom of the door raised up and I came flying out! With tears streaming down my face, I ran into my step mother’s room…crying incessantly, which Z and D sat in the living room laughing about the evil they had just done!!
My step mother asked me what happened…and all I could cough out was D and Z locked me in the closet. They called them in the room and asked them to uncuff me. I don’t remember them being scolded for what they did to me…But this I knew…I was MORE than happy to leave and go back to Trinidad! I started off bursting with excitement to come…And by then I was counting the days until I could go back home. Never, in my life, had I ever been treated so horribly. But even with all of that I looked for the ray of hope...a sign of love...and I silently hoped that they would like me.
Although they never apologized for what they did…I forgave them…I only recount this story so I can paint a picture for you and give you some of my history. Reflecting on this does not conjure any negative emotions today, Thank God!
Two years later I came back to NY when I was ten, then again at 12, and for the last time at 13. (Until age 22 when I came back to the U.S. for college). When I was 13 (I think) I spent my first Christmas in NY...By then I was more familiar to everyone and maybe a little more accepted?? I was by myself this time, and both Z and D didn't torment me! As a matter of fact my bother gave me a gift for Christmas...shock of shocks! You see, he did love me! From there on out I felt like my relationship with my brother grew.
Even with the negative experiences I had, I held on to the precious memories…I thirsted for their acceptance. I wanted to be part of their family as a sister. I listened attentively to when they would introduce me to their friends…And if they would let others know I was their sister. I would listen to see if their friends were surprised, as many were…saying, “Oh, I didn’t know you had another sister. I thought it was just 5 of you….” I listened carefully both as a child and an adult. I paid attention to the pictures posted in their rooms, and apartments. I noticed that many of them had pictures of everyone except me. I wondered why...Usually folks put up pictures of people they care about and love dearly...So why wasn't I there in any of them? But that's okay I told myself...I chose to ignore that since they are talking to me and have accepted me to a certain extent.
As my life in Trinidad became more stressful, I longed to be away with my family in N.Y. I often wrote to my step mother begging for her to send for me, and rescue me from my life in Trinidad. But she could not afford to send for me. At 14 years old, I told her that I would work to pay my way through school. But it was to no avail. As I grew spiritually, and more comfortable in my skin, my desire to be reunited with my family never changed. Denied several times for a visitor’s visa, I could not make any further pilgrimages to the US as I had when I was a child. But my heart longed for them…I thought about them often, and I longed for the day when I could be reunited...But was this all a dream? A childish dream? With the advent of email, I was able to connect with the three oldest. And occasionally I would send the snail mail letters.
After being denied visitor’s visa a few times I knew that my only hope of returning to the U.S was through a student visa…And so I worked my butt off to secure a full scholarship so I could be here. Along the way, there were many changes in my life…And Jared became more of a motivation for me to come to the U.S. than anyone…But even with that, I still clamored for their love when I came to the U.S. in 2003.
It’s really interesting because the first time I came back to the US when I was an adult, my brother spent the whole night talking with me...We watched movies, and I even spoke to him about how I felt that Z does not like me. He was really nice and said that he does not think that she does not like me...that's just the way she is...Awwww...It was the dawn of a new day. I felt like we had moved a mountain right before my eyes. A couple other times I visited and he met me downtown and helped me find my way home. I often wondered why he was so especially nice to me. He tries to play rough and tough but it appears there might be a beating heart in there :). A couple years later however, him and my dad had a major fight and I believe that affected our relationship negatively since then. We still talk and every now and then I would text him, but it’s a little different now. I think part of me may have stopped trying as hard. I have however tried to make a conscious effort to reach out to his daughter. Even though my brother seemed to acknowledge me as his sister, he didn't necessarily tell anyone about me, unless it was needed. I learnt this when his 12 year old daughter did not know who I was and asked me why I call my father "daddy." Of course I was a bit saddened by this...I didn't really know how to react. I just assumed that if he wanted her to know me he would have told her who I was. So for years I just stood in the background until one day I decided that I needed to do better...and I needed to reach out to her....because it was certainly not her fault why she didn’t know me. I hope that one day we can get her to visit. It is my desire to foster a closer relationship with her. She will be 17 this August!
My relationship with Z was not as positive from the start. I really did feel like she did not like me...And while everyone had a general acceptance of me, she could literally walk through the door, see me, and just say "hey" and keep it moving. No, "hey nice to see you. Didn’t know you were in town...or anything." But she has grown leaps and bounds from then to now. In March of 2006 I really learned how she felt about me. I was in NY with my best friend and sister H shopping for bridesmaid dresses...when she calls to basically give me a ‘piece of her mind.’ It came out from nowhere! She fussed at me, and asked me why I was having her mother buy all this stuff for my wedding...she asked me who was paying for my wedding, and quickly informed me that she was paying for her own wedding...and that she worked hard to pay for her stuff. Insinuating that I was getting a free ride and not working to pay my own way. Flabbergasted, I asked her where all of this was coming from with tears streaming down my face. She told me that every time she looks left or right she sees her mother has bought something for me. I told her that I never asked her to buy anything for me. She bought those stuff on her own. This was one of the most difficult conversations I ever had in my life...Some how or the other, we ended up at the point where she told me that she never knew who I was until recently. Shocked and appalled by her statement I asked her how could she not know!? All the times I visited since I was 8! With everyone introducing me as their sister, and with me calling her father daddy...how could you not know! She said she never knew and just assumed that I was the maid's daughter. When she said that, my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. I cried so hard. I was 25 years old. She said that she did not call to make me cry...that was not her intention. She said that she only found out I was her sister a couple years ago...And when she found out she was so mad! She even confronted dad about it and they had a big argument...She admitted that she spoke to our cousin about it as well. But she honestly did not know. I said all these years...I was 22 when I came to the US, and even then you never connected the dots...NO she said. After we got off the phone, I sat there crying incessantly. My cousin came in the room to comfort me...And she told me that Z did not know until recently, and that she had even called her about it...I just could not understand how she did not know. Z was getting married before me in April...My wedding was June...She admitted that she was always the baby, the last child, and then when she found out she was not she was devastated! It never occurred to me that any of my sisters would be jealous of me or resentful of me. I, for some reason, never factored the adultery in. I perhaps thought that big people are grown and mature and would not allow not being able to forgive to hold them back. I don't know it just never occurred to me. But it does explain a lot of things...
Like why I always felt that she didn't like me…Or why her son never knew I was his aunt until he was 13 or 14. Or why she never invited me to her wedding reception. That day when I spoke with her on the phone, I told her that it hurts that your own sister would not invite you to her wedding (reception). She said nothing. Strangely enough, I was actually planning to come to her wedding reception...When I told H this, H asked me very coyly if I was invited. She played it off really well and didn't make it sound like a big deal...But hmmm, by the time I received this call I quickly learnt that I really was not invited. She did her wedding a little differently...She actually got married at a cruise ship port and then sailed off to her honeymoon. Then when she came back she had the reception with the wedding dress and everything. I saw the pictures...It looked nice...I saw my family there as well. Everyone except S...But I am guessing that's because S just had a new baby and had other health concerns going on. It was not until fairly recently, I would say about 2 years ago (if memory serves me correctly) that she started talking to me in a more positive way. I could tell that this was a growth moment for her as she struggled to try to accept me. She became a Christian, and perhaps she was working on her inner struggles as her faith challenged her. I was cautiously excited. She really is a good person...funny as heck too! Through her reaching out, I have also tried to reach out to her son as well and offered for him to come and visit me. I was planning for this year, but it never happened. We'll see.
When I first got to the US, S, the one I said who treated me the best when I was 8, she sent a quilt, and blanket for my dorm room. I felt really special...I really felt that her love was genuine. She is a doctor, so we talked about medical stuff from time to time since we share similar health issues…And I knew that I could always count on her for medical advice. We spoke sporadically, but when we did it was great. I visited her in CA few times, and enjoyed my stay there. For the most part I always felt welcomed. I can honestly say I never received any negative emotions from her. I do however long for a “closer” connection and a more sisterly bond. I do wish that I could be a greater part of her life, and her daughter’s life. I do wish that we would speak more than a couple times a year…and that priority would be placed on reconnecting and visiting each other. That is my desire for all my sisters and I to have that type of relationship.
I think G grew to love me…of everyone we probably communicated the most during my college years. I did feel a sense of connection to her. I visited with her a couple times, and she visited me one summer when I did an internship in Baltimore. We traveled to CA together a couple times to visit S and we communicated well. I loved that!! When G moved to CA I felt that our relationship grew distant. I think it was because of the physical distance…I heard from her less often and our monthly or bimonthly communication went to once every 5-6 months. But I must recognize that her life went through a drastic change. She cared for her niece in CA, and went back to school to switch careers. HUGE life change. But I did miss her…And hearing from her less often did bother me. I attempted to bring it to her attention one time. But I am not sure if she understood my heart and what I was trying to say. Perhaps I did not convey my point across clearly. To sum it up, my family stays busy. That’s no joke. They all work hard and tirelessly. And she thought that the reason we communicated less was because I was busy and we all were busy. She really didn’t see it as a big deal. I guess that was a turning point for me…Because it was a big deal to me…Because I was yearning a type of relationship…and sisterly relationship…And I felt that I was losing what I worked hard to foster. So instead of pushing forward, and just dressed back…And I went the flow…Her flow…And I stopped calling and emailing as often…Because I would get disappointed when I didn’t get a response. I am the type of person who works really hard to preserve relationships, but sometimes I get weary and discouraged when it’s not met with the same enthusiasm.
My oldest sis has played a good role in my life. Mixed with a few bad moments, I enjoyed her attention and “motherly” love, even though it was sometimes annoying. At times I would feel like she was talking down to me…And treated me any 'ole' way because I was younger. I didn’t like that at all. Yet at the same time, I appreciated those conversations where she did talk to me like normal. I enjoyed talking with her, and talking with her made me feel connected and loved. She once told me out of sight does not mean out of mind. But that is very hard for me to accept. I have learnt that my “love language” is communication, and I need communication to sustain, grow and build my relationships. In the absence of communication I start to doubt your love. I often found myself calling and emailing with little to no response. Months would go by before she would return my call. During the empty months I would feel disconnected, disappointed, and put off. But as soon as she called I was good again. Strange…I got tired if feeling constantly disappointed and so I stopped trying…And since I stopped trying it’s been over a year since we had a real conversation. I don’t know if that is indicative of the worth of our relationship.
I have always looked for a ray of hope when it comes to building relationships with my family. I have often looked for the good amidst the bad. But throughout all these years I have been in the U.S. I have often found myself disappointed at the love or lack thereof that they showed towards me. I often felt that I was on the outside looking in. a part of this family, but not really a part. So many things has caused me to doubt or question their love and acceptance.
Most recently, a friend of mine told me that it does not matter what I do, or what I say, because it does not change the fact that I am the outside child…and I will always be the outside child. They cannot accept me as one of them because I was never one of them. I never grew up with them…I don't know if that is true...I struggle with that reason because I see my sisters as Christians...And I don't think they would intentionally try not to have a relationship with me while trying to have a relationship with God. I want to believe that their hearts are pure. And I cannot judge their hearts...
But I do struggle...with feeling left out...or that they don't think about me...or not there to support me in special occasions...Z and D never acknowledged my wedding much less attended. I don't know why my brother would not have wanted to come. Z I could understand since she seemed to have struggle the most with me...But I had hoped that my relationship with my brother was better than that. I asked G and H to be bridesmaids in my wedding...partly because I wanted to beleive that we had a sister-sister relationship...and that's what sisters do, they become bridesmaids in each other's wedding...And the other part is that I beleived that they would not have attended had they not been in the wedding. I suspected that because there was mention of not having money when the topic of my wedding came up. As a result their mom purchased thier tickets.
Sometimes I even wonder if they would visit if I were sick and dying...or even come to my funeral. Would I be important enough for them then? I struggle with that because if we cannot make time for each other while we are alive and well, why would we do so when we are gone and dead? I often wonder why we can’t apply the same biblical principles of building the fellowship to each other.
For my family it is perfectly normal to go months on end without communicating or talking with each other. But for me that is not normal. That is actually painful. And though I understand that everyone has busy schedules, I believe that people make time for the things that are important to them. I see how they make time for church, building relationships in church, attending fellowships and helping fellow brethern. So I know they are capable of having normal relationships. Ever since I knew myself I have desired a type of relationship…A sister-sister relationship that is beautiful and cherished. One where everyone looks out for each other, shares dreams, hopes and struggles, but is there to support each other. I see these same qualities in my friends and my sisters in Christ…So why can’t I have a similar relationship with them? If we preach about fostering relationships, and making time for fellowship with our spiritual brothers and sisters, why is that any less important with our family, who share a common faith? Why would I be left out of a random, last minute trip that turned into a “family reunion?” Why wouldn’t I be invited? Or for that matter, why wouldn’t anyone ever think to visit me? Or even just merely mention, we have not seen you in ages, when are we seeing you again!? OR why H wouldn’t call me and say, “Hey, I can’t believe it’s been a year since we last spoke…what’s been going on girl?”
I was hurt when no one acknowledged my graduation. Because I always imagined that my family would be my cheerleaders. Especially since I know they have done it for each other and for their friends…I just thought they would do it for me to. It would have been nice to receive a phone call, an acknowledgement, or even just a mention of a desire to “want” to be there for me. I hate the idea that we are distant relatives, and that is normal for them. I have always wanted so much to feel like part of the bunch…Part of the family…but instead I feel like a distant, pumpkin-vine cousin, who is just trying to force himself in. I am hurt when I send emails and no one responds. Or when I call and no one returns my call. It signifies to me that I am not that important. But the moment I do hear from someone, I am all happy and giddy with excitement! My cup feels full again, and I feel like there is hope...I feel like they do love me!
I shared these feelings with a friend and so my friend, wondered, why on earth do I keep going to them and looking for love!! Only to be disappointed and hurt!!! She asked me what have they ever done for me!? She insisted that they have never done 'anything' for me because they have never been there emotionally for me. And I think that is true. Our relationship is not one where we have that type of emotional bond that I have with my best friend who is like a sister to me. We don't remember birthdays or anniversaries. And that's okay. At first, I was trying to remember everyone's birthday and call or write them...But I caught on that that was not necessary...Everyone was okay without the extra love on their special day cause for most it was just another day. They are not expressive lovers. But I am...And that major difference is at the core of my many moments of disappointments.
But is it just a dream I am holding on to? To have that sisterly relationship and love? Is my vision something that I just made up in my head and is not real? Something I desired ever since I was a child and is looking for them to fulfill? For so long I have held on tightly to what I think our relationship SHOULD be like as opposed to accepting it for what it is…With each person there is a different dynamic, personality etc. And I would have to take up my battle with each person individually if I want to foster a better and stronger relationship. But at the end of the day, what if this is it? What if, this is how they love, or chose to love me? Or what if they chose not to love me? I have spent a lot of time feeling disappointed and hurt…by little things along the way. And I have realized that I need to let go of those expectations I have of them so that I would not be hurt. I need to let go of the need to feel “needed” by them or loved by them. And I need to accept that some may love much, some may love little, and some may not love at all.
So instead of being sad for the love I think I don’t have…I choose to be happy for the love I do have…For the people who are in my life and would take the time to listen to me when I am distress…and would take the time to answer my phone calls. Sometimes we focus our energy in the wrong place…We look for love, friendship and relationships with a particular someone…And when we are rejected, or seemingly rejected, we feel hurt, disappointed and discontented and we lose sight of the blessings we have. The time I took pining over the relationships I do not have with my sisters, it could have been spent celebrating the relationships I do have, and the love that God has provided to me through the many people in my life. My cup is not empty because of my perceived lack of love with some of my family. And so I should not allow myself to feel sad, hurt or disappointed by what I do not have.
And at the end of the day, I know all this starts with me. I realize that I have put an expectation on them that I never told them about. They had developed their family dynamic long before I came on the scene. And so who am I to say that what they are doing is wrong? Or to try to change it? It’s kinda unfair to them. The biggest lesson I have learnt is that just because someone does not love you the way you want to be loved, does not mean they do not love you. It’s easier said than done to accept that though. Yet I have to let go of my expectations…set it free…so that discontentment does not set it.
This change is taking place within me first and foremost. I have to let go of those childhood dreams…I have to stop expecting it or demanding it. I have to accept them for who they are in the here and now. And even if that is not what I always yearned for as a child, letting go of those expectations will release me from the self-inflicted paid of unmet expectations.
Tonight my dear friend reminded me of something I had said a long time ago…Basically, if someone chooses to stop doing their part that should not influence you to change who you are and what you do. In a sense, I have allowed that to happen. Because I stopped being me…It’s within my nature to keep in touch by phone or email, and want to visit and see everyone. But I have stopped trying. I gave up…No one probably realized that I gave up, because I basically fitted into the family mold where we communicate sporadically, even once a year…with the assumption that we are all busy. But can I try to be me and not be hurt and disappointed??? I think it is possible once I let go of my expectations of them, and just do it because of the love I have in me.
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