Yesterday I started to feel sad and thoughts and emotions
came back in a flood. But I had to go to work…and right after work I had
“ladies night.” So I didn’t have time to process until 12am when I got a chance
to talk to my husband.
Tears, tears and more tears just flowed as I told him how
sad I was feeling…Sad and angry with my friend who abandoned our friendship
almost 3 years ago…And sad that I am perceived as this big bad wolf that people
cannot talk to…To the extent where they make it wrong for me to be me. Sad that
I feel misunderstood…Sad that my other friend does not really understand how I
feel…JUST SAD! I didn’t know how to process these emotions…Particularly my ill
feelings towards my friend.
Jared listened, as he always does…and he offered up some
words of encouragement and wisdom…Of everything he said, the most important
thing was that I need to forgive her. Even though she wronged me…Even though
she thinks I did her wrong…Even though she may never come out and tell me that
she is sorry for how she hurt me…I have to forgive her. He said that is one of
the greatest life lessons we can teach our children…How to forgive others when
we receive no justification inside…How to forgive like Christ forgave the
people on the cross…The very people who were crucifying him…The very people who
felt justified in what they did to Him…The very people whose hearts were not
sorry for what they did…He forgave them…And that type of forgiveness is much
harder…
I couldn’t understand why I feel so HURT…I could not
understand why this type of hurt, hurts more than any other hurt I have felt in
my life from someone…I could not understand why it has been easier to let go of
the things my family has done and not done for me…but still be hung up on this…
And this is what I learnt from my husband (the trusty
psychiatrist)…Our families take up residence in our hearts from the time we are
born…We do not have a choice about it…they are just there. But our friends are
the people we ALLOW into our hearts…And because we allow them space in there,
it hurts more when they hurt us…That is why families can do so much hurt, yet
we still remain family…connected in some sort of twisted way…But friends can be
“divorced” much easier than we can divorce our families. We are often more
willing to “put up” with crazy stuff we get from our families…But more often
than not, we may not be as willing with friends…I never really thought about it
that way…
But when I think about it now…Of ALL the people in the world
who has hurt me…I NEVER, EVER, suspected in the least that she would hurt me
this way…by letting go of our friendship without a fight. She was what I
thought was a forever friend…A sister till the end…And I esteemed her highly…
I had forgiven her before…But forgiveness is not a one time
deal (as my husband reminded me last night)…Forgiving someone can sometimes
happen several times over several years…When feelings of anger and hurt
resurface all of a sudden…we have to forgive all over again…Sometimes the 2nd
and 3rd time is harder than the first…Other times, it’s easier.
Today I woke up feeling even more sad…I thought about all of
this again and that I needed to forgive her, so I could let go. For about three hours I played Kevin Lemar’s
song – A
Heat that Forgives…And I could not stop crying…Every word, every line,
every thought in that song SCREAMED at me! Through my tears, I listened…over
and over…again and again…tear after tear…I bowed my heart, shaking, crying,
praying that I can have a heart that forgives…
Please pray with me…
I want a heart
that forgives
A heart full of
love
One with
compassion just like Yours above
One that
overcomes evil with goodness and love
Like it never
happened, never holding a grudge
I want a heart
that forgives that lives and lets live
One that keeps
loving over and over again
One that men
can’t offend
Because Your
Word is within
One that loves
without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ
I want a heart
that loves everybody....even my enemies
I want to love
like You, be like You, just like You did
I want a heart
that forgives,
I want a heart that forgives!
When the ones that are closest, that I’ve
known the longest, hurt me the most;
I still wanna love them just like You love
me
Even though I’m hurting
I want a heart that forgives
When the pain is so deep, it’s so hard to
speak, about it to anyone
Just like Your Son, I give up my right to
hold it against them with hatred inside
I want a heart
that loves everybody....even my enemies
I wanna love
like You, be like You, just like You did
Wanna walk like
You, talk like You, just like You did,
Wanna be like
You, live like You, just like You did
'Cause the
heart that forgives is the heart that will live
Totally free
from the pain of the past
And the heart
that lets go is the heart that will know so much freedom
Lord I wanna
let it go
God I need to
let it go
Lord its been
holding me back
And I don't
want it, I don't want it, I don't
I don't want it
no more
I don’t know
exactly what to do to get rid of it, but ah...
Here I am Lord
Jesus, here I am ohh, here I am Lord Jesus...ohh
Lord I need
You, I need You, I know this is me that You're talking to
This is me,
this is me, this is me Lord, this is me
Lord I let it
go, every person, every person that's ever hurt me
God I let it go
Every single
hurt
God I let it go
Every single
pain
God I let it
go, I let it go, I let it go
Lord You can
have it, Lord You can have it,
Lord You can
have it, Lord You can have it,
You can have it
now, You can have it now,
'Cause I don't
want it no......more
In Jesus name,
amen.
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