Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Family…My beginnings...

My husband recently told me that God gave us family to make us grow closer to Him. Ever since I could remember myself, I have often wondered why I was born into the family I was in…I think my mother was the caretaker for my father’s children until they migrated to the U.S. Shorty after they migrated, I was born and my mother continued to live there until recently. My father maintained a visiting relationship with my step mother. I thought that they (my mother and father) were not together because they slept in separate rooms. I never realized how dysfunctional my family was until I was older...

Growing up, I always knew I had a step mother and 4 sisters and one brother (on my father’s side). I never grew up with them and met them for the first time when I was 8 years old. My father also had a son, David, whom I never had any relationship with. I always wondered what it would be like to know them…to live with them…to have sisters and brothers to hang out with…I longed for the day…

My days growing up in Trinidad were mixed. I had a happy childhood until I realized that my perfect world was not so perfect. When I was 7 my mother took me and walked about 2 hours to her sister’s house. I did not realize what was going on then…I remember her holding on to her sister’s door, crying…not wanting to leave. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. She was placed on the mental health ward. Ever since then my father told me that my mother was “sick” but I was not sure what that really meant.

A couple years later my mother ended up in the hospital again. I think that whenever she and my father had a fight she would try to run away. I am really not sure of the type of relationship they had…But I know that she was not free to see other people…I remember my father hitting her because she went somewhere without telling him. That was heartbreaking to see as a child…Your dad hitting your mom…crazy.

As I grew older, my relationship with my mom grew tumultuous. We argued often…I could never understand why she would leave stuff all over the place…At times I felt that I was the adult and she was the child. Ugh! By age 12 I could make a household budget and I knew how to pay all the bills. At 13 my dad went to the U.S. for 6 months. That was a turning point in my life. I was so upset. I could not believe he would leave me alone with this “crazy lady.” I cried every night for a month! I had to manage the house, pay all the bills, make groceries, go to the bank, take myself to school etc. etc.

My mother and I argued often…Over trivial stuff…why she left the place dirty, which channel to watch etc…She told me she hated me and that I was not her child. She cursed me…F YOU! MUDDA this and dat…We often scuffled and she was scrape my hands with her nails. I pushed back. One day I could not take it anymore…I thought I was about to explode! I needed help! I needed someone! I just got up and walked 30 minutes to the police station…I told them that my mother was crazy and I needed help…I didn’t know what to do…They said that they could not do anything…I even went to my primary school teacher…But she could not help either….For years I felt guilty for going to the police and bring shame to my family…

It was around that time that I probably felt that I had reached rock bottom…I honestly wished I were dead. I wished I was never born…I wished that the earth would just open up and take me out of my misery. I hated my life soooo much! I contemplated death…

I reached out to my godmother and my step mother and begged them to help me. I begged them to help me get to the U.S. so I could escape my reality. My godmother encouraged me and told me that it’s just for a time…and one day I will grow up and be able to chose my own path…She told me that she had a rough childhood too…and how she was now able to live a happy life…My step mother told me that she didn’t have any money to bring me to the states…I told her I could work and pay my way! Anything! Back then, that is not what I wanted to hear. I felt rejected…No one wanted me…A few years ago my step mother told me that she felt so sorry for me…She really grieved in her heart for me :(

I reached out to a long time family friend…the Clarks. They lived right around the corner and I found myself going to their home every weekend…We never talked about my life but it was a break from my reality….I was able to go to church with them…Every Sunday we went to Princess Town church of Christ. It was there that my relationship with God grew…I was able to find peace with my life…I was able to breathe, and live, and grow…I had visited their church before…I had visited a lot of denominations but I felt most at home there.

When I was 14 I decided to step out on my own and go to San-Fernando church of Christ…I attended their VBS that summer because I wanted to grow closer to God…I wanted more…I wanted HIM…It was amazing how my mind transformed as I grew in my walk with God. I went from dreading life to being able to cope with the very situation that made me wish I was dead. God is truly amazing!!

AS I write this it brings tears to my eyes…

So yes, God does use our family to help us draw closer to Him. To help us realize that all roads lead to Him…

Thanks you Jesus, for leading me to your church! Thank you for showing me that you can provide comfort in a time of storm. Please help me never to forget where you brought me from. Help me to always put my trust in you and look to you for my source of comfort. Please use me to bold show others what you have done for me!

Monday, February 22, 2010

If he cheats…What will you do?

To my married sisters…Have you ever asked yourself what you will do if your husband cheats on you? Would you stay? Would you forgive? Will you ever be able to trust again? Would you cut his balls off?
I have often given this much thought…I started dating my husband when we were 20, got married at 25 and have been happily married for 3 and a half years. I sometimes wonder when I am going to wake up and realize my life is falling apart…I sometimes wonder if one day my blissful marriage would take a nose dive and head straight for hell…I sometimes wonder why men cheat, and what makes my husband any different…(Even though I think he’s a great husband and an even better friend!)

When folks get married, I am quite sure that for the most part these two individuals envision a life of happiness together…I am sure that a lot of folks are like me…Till death do us part…We walk into marriage thinking this is forever…happily ever after…

But what happens when happy stops coming around? And eyes are turned for another? What then? So many people have lived this very moment…Friends, parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters…Yet many times we think this would not happen to me…That was their marriage but I know we are “different”…WE LOVE EACH OTHER…Yeah…amm…ok…And you don’t think they didn’t love each other at one point…??

I am very cognizant of the fact that this CAN happen to me…which may seem strange to some…But it can happen to you too. People change…we must remember that…And it is my hope that both my husband and I would ALWAYS change for the better…But sometimes that does not happen…Sometimes life takes people in a direction they never planned for…they never hoped for…The murder of your sister, the loss of your mother, the loss of your baby, the birth of a baby…the loss of your job, then your house, financial calamity…There are so many things in life that we cannot even begin to predict…Much more predict how we will react if our lives are affected by such tragedy. Tragedy can change us…it can make us or break us…We can survive it by the power of God, or we can chose to die from it…Die emotionally…

The same is true of adultery…We can survive by the power of God…or we can become bitter, negative, and hateful…And the question is what will you chose to do? If he cheats…what will you do?

I cannot even imagine what I would really do…I am extremely protective of my marriage and my friendship with my husband. So just like the friend I wrote about in one of my earlier posts, I would be utterly hurt and disappointed that he didn’t tell me something was wrong…that he made me live a lie…Because if I am here thinking everything is perfect and it’s not, then that makes me really mad!

Not too long ago my husband and I had an argument…To me it was rather trivial…so trivial that I was crazy upset that he would drag out this “non-issue” (to me) by avoiding me, and not speaking to me for 2 days…I can barely remember what the fight was about…that is how stupid it was…not even worth remembering…But one thing came out from that situation…My husband told me that something I did or the way I said it really upset him…and it was something that I had “always” done…Well boy, nothing could make me more upset than to hear about something I “always” did and not know about it before! Look, if you want to get upset with me for something, let me know about it! My friendship with you DEMANDS this…Therefore I will be quite aware of that action and try to curb it…But playa, don’t tell me I “always” do this and you “always” get upset and I don’t know about it…I hit the roof to say the least…A part of me really felt betrayed…Betrayed that he would allow a painful issue to go unresolved by not fully explaining the gamete of his emotions…At the end of that conversation I told me husband, “please use words to describe your feelings…” I need something more than I feel upset…Break down what that really meant to you...

But you know, sometimes adultery is like that…There are issues in our marriage that we may consider “non-issues” but to the other person it’s a MAJOR ISSUE and vice versa. And there you are, living life happy, non-the-wiser that your spouse is grimacing with pain and anger on the inside. If you have issues with your spouse and you have not lovingly confronted them about these issues, please address this pronto! Don’t assume that an issue is too trivial to drive your spouse away. It’s these simple things that can come back to bite us years from now…and we may have to answer the questions…Why did he cheat? And what will I do now that he has cheated on me?

I suspect that if my husband ever decides to cheat on me it will be because he is unhappy…And I would probably be taken by surprise because “I thought we were happy!” My world would be turned upside down…And my perfect haven would have crashed…I will feel betrayed…First, as a friend you would not tell me what issues you had with us, and of course betrayed the sanctity of our marriage. But I know, and I believe that God can give us the strength to rebuild and repair if he was willing to rebuild our marriage…I can only hope that my emotions do not override Godly wisdom. I pray that I would have a strong network of friends who would be my rock, my shoulder to cry on, and provide a source of strength to see me through. But ultimately, I hope that we would regain what we lost…through prayer, counseling and whatever it takes…and we would not let the devil triumph over our marriage.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Friends are Not Always Forever

Throughout the years I have made very strong friendships...Friendships so strong that for all practicality I considered them family...plain and simple...I didn't grow up with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, brothers or sisters...It was me, my daddy, and my mother, the neighbours, classmates, and church people...Perhaps my lack of a physical family has caused me to deem my friends as my family...There is no “blood thicker than water” for me!

For the past 6 years I have been praising God for a very special friendship...a friendship that started way back when I was 14 (I'm now 28, going on 29). I thought that friendship really blossomed and for all intents and purposes she was my sister...my confidant, my prayer partner, a shoulder to cry on, someone to uplift and offer words of encouragement...she was a great sister through Christ!

Well recently this special friend seemed to abandon our friendship. She is probably saying that I did the same thing...I don't know if I did...maybe I did...Well there was apparently there was a "miscommunication" via a text I sent...A miscommunication that led to my dear friend being upset with me...Her response to my text made me mad as well. She read into my text that I was talking down to her (according to someone else...I never got the story from her mouth!)...I read into her text thinking that she was just unwilling to take responsibility for something she was supposed to do...Either way the next time we "spoke" I was quiet...silent...It was my way of saying that things are not cool...But she decided to ignore my quietness and sounded quite honkeydory...as if nothing was wrong...That pissed me off!

You know, I could have said something there and then...I could expressed my anger and frustration...But I didn't. Why? Because I always have to confront issues. Because I am NOT a conflict avoider...I face conflict head on...I deal with it and get it out of the way...SHE IS A CONFLICT AVOIDER! And I felt that this time she should deal with it! She should approach me and talk to me...I thought that since we were such close friends that she would let me know if I did something to bother her…

I was mad that one of the closest persons in the world to me could not come to me and say, "Kaara I don't like it when you do X, Y or Z." Why couldn't she do that? Don't you care enough about me to help me be a better person? A better friend? Why am I always the one to tell you when you hurt me??? As a friend I expect that you would do better. I expect that you would be honest with me...A true friend would be honest with you…

You know, the most hurtful thing in all of this was the realization that my friendship was not what I thought it was...I mean when I say hurt...It can probably be compared to breaking up with a long time boy friend when you found out he was cheating on you...when you thought he was a saint...I know my example is extreme, but so were my feelings...I was hurt that she did not consider our friendship IMPORTANT enough to address this issue...I was hurt that she did not think that I was the kind of friend she could approach if I offended her...You know there are some friends who you can be your total self with...the good, the bad, the ugly...and they love you with all your faults...Well I honestly thought she was that friend...So needless to say I was SORELY HURT when it appeared that she could not approach me...to tell me that she was offended...Really? You tell someone else but you can't tell me? Really?? On top of that, I felt that you of ALL people should know me better...You of ALL people should know my heart...And you of all people should have looked at that text and say, I know Kaara is not trying to talk down to me...But if I feel that way I should clarify to make sure...YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!

Three months has since passed and we had one contact/conversation (through my initiation)...but we didn't talk about us...Instead we pretended that things were perfect...As a matter of fact, it was until after that meeting that I learnt more about her thoughts and feelings...and that knowledge fueled my anger to what it is today!

WHAT! YOU MEAN TO SAY SHE THINKS THIS IS MY FAULT!? WHAT??? SHE DOES NOT REALIZE SHE HAS A PART TO PLAY IN THIS??? WHAT!? SHE IS UPSET ABOUT ME DECIDING HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH HER FIRST??? What de hell!? If she soooo "upset" then why de hell she never came and defended our friendship...

So it is this anger that has kept me silent...and kept me from calling her...On the other hand I think that if she wants our friendship she needs to fight for it...I really don't care to be so close to someone, and they not fight for me...What de hell? What, is only me who supposed to fight for us? NO sah!

I have since learnt that the reason she has not called me is because she does not want to deal with this issue right now, and she is fine with how things are right now…There are certain things she does not like about me, and she just does not know if she really wants to put out the energy to pursue our friendship…

That to me what like your best friend saying she is not sure if she wants to be friends…seemingly out of the blue for no VALID reason! Trust me when I say that I was HEART BROKEN…I can’t even count the times I have cried…And when I heard that last part, my heart sank…to the bottom of the ship.

There is probably a lesson to be learnt from all of this…Perhaps it is that friends are not forever….even when they are die hard and you would give your life for them…Perhaps it is that you must put your trust in God and not man…Perhaps it is for me to realize my self-worth…and know that I am worth much more as a friend, and worth fighting for!!!! Perhaps it is that I need to redefine what friendship means and KNOW that its only temporary…I don’t know exactly…
But this is my prayer…

That I rid myself of the anger I hold towards my sister…that I forgive her for hurting me…that I not let this experience prohibit me from being the best friend I can be to someone else…And that if and when we do talk, that I have a HUMBLE spirit and not turn into a raging lunatic! I pray that even if our friendship never regains momentum that I would still LOVE her, especially because she is my sister in Christ…and a human being…I pray that I would be able to step aside and just let LOVE consume me…I don’t know what else to pray for, so I pray that the Spirit will just give me what I need to heal, learn and be whole again.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Evangelism

I finally decided to jump into the blogging world after some encouragement from my mentor. I have a passion for building, enhancing, creating, promoting (you get the picture) successful marriages! I hope to use my talents to inspire others and provide me with an outlet to express my thoughts.

I'm not exactly sure where to start or what to talk about...Should I talk about me? My marriage? My religion? Politics? Friends? Family? Frustrations? I think I will touch on a bit of everything. I think its important that we realize that we are multidimentional...and our lives are impacted and affected by all of the above....I named this blogg The Journey because life is a journey...and this will allow me to talk about my journey in different aspects of my life.


I'll start with this...and what's on my heart right now...

A couple days ago I was telling my husband that I need to reach out more to others and tell them about Jesus...invite them to church...and be the tool that God would have me to be. I believe that as Christians we have a responsibility to tell others about Christ...Not doing so is totally selfish! I don't know why, but ever since I have been in the U.S. I have not done a good job reaching out...When I was in Trinidad I was much bolder and unafraid...I don't know what happened to me...Its not that I dont know the truth...Heck, I went to preaching school, so I should feel somewhat confident in my knowledge...

I think I lacked zeal...I allowed myself to enter a comfort zone where it was okay to not talk about God at work, or not talk about church for fear of being labeled "one of those fanatical Christians." I know I am not that, and I truly should not be afraid of what others think...What I should be afraid of, is what God thinks.

I have decided to have a renewed spirit...and challenge myself to not only live as God would have me to, but also to give others the opportunity of know Him...

Dear God,

Please help me to be bold and brave as it pertains to telling others about you...Please help me not to fear rejection but to understand that my duty as a Christian is to simply teach the gospel...I pray that I will not be bothered by what others have to say, but take comfort in knowing that I am living a life that is pleasing to you.

In Jesus' name...Amen.