Advice for Wives: Stop Being Superwoman!

When I initially started this blog it was ultimately supposed to lead me to blog about marriage and relationships. One of my favourite things to talk about! I keep hoping that I would be able to write consistent posts about marriage and family…Hopefully this would be the beginning of many more to come. Please leave a comment if you stop by and let me know what you think! Thanks!

Today, I am going to make a bold step and give you some married people advice. Advice I either need to take or have taken myself.  Recently my husband and I started watching “Betrayal” on the OWN network. It’s about real life couples who have experienced the ultimate form of betrayal in their marriage – adultery. No matter how the story goes…how it starts…and all the in-betweens I am always “surprised” by how easily a man or woman decided to seemingly abandon their love…But what I have learnt is that there is ALWAYS a reason. Justified or not…when needs are not being met…or expectations are not being fulfilled…and people don’t communicate that to their partner…it’s almost inevitable that some type of betrayal will follow.

Now don’t get me wrong…I am not saying that if a man (or woman) goes out and cheat he is justified because he has a so called "reason"…I am just saying that there is ALWAYS a reason…Sometimes it’s a stupid reason…But other times, it’s an “almost” understandable and even justifiable reason. In one episode, I found myself saying, “nah man…she look for dat!”(when I head that the wife did not have sex with her husband for the past 5 months!)  Ah mean…doh get me wrong…he wrong fuh cheating on her…But at the same time, yuh cyar deprive ah man so and think that’s it’s okay…

Which brings me to my next point…Depending on how you were raised and what you were cultured to think about the role of women…and particularly that of a wife…you may be one of those who suffer from what I would call the superwoman syndrome. You think that your sole duty and purpose as a wife is to cook for your husband…keep de house clean…mind all de children yourself…while maintaining a full-time job. Many times you think of yourself as a “bad wife” if you don’t prepare him breakfast, or dinner…OR you think you have failed at your wifely duties when you don’t keep the house “spick and span.” Now I think that some of us are on a spectrum on that scale…We may not all be extremists thinking that my whole duty and purpose is to cook and clean for a man…But we sometimes…kinda act like it…

We act like it when we don’t fulfill our man’s other needs…Perhaps the very needs he considers MOST important…We act like it when we put priority over cooking (not saying that you should not cook…ah mean we have to eat) than serving him in other ways.

When was the last time you asked your husband what are his top three things he MOST desires from you.?I am sure that most men would list sex and respect high up there. And granted…I grew up with the old saying, “ah way to ah man’s heart is through his stomach!” So even within me I know that I should feel some sort of “obligation” to cook…maybe.

But every man is different…And every man was raised differently and comes to the table with different expectations. Thankfully, my husband is not a complete traditional man and does not believe or act like a woman should do everything around the house…And with that, he is most helpful in washing up, helping with housework, and even cooking on occasion and doing laundry regularly. My husband helps me so much that I almost feel like a “bad wife” for having him do so much around the house. Not everyone has that luxury…But it was important to me that my relationship was with a man who was helpful…And didn’t look at me as a maid. So before we were married and during our marriage we talked about our expectations…mine for him and his for me.

I think it is important that we revisit the topic of expectations regularly…Because it changes as we change…Though you cannot fulfill every single expectation that someone has…you should consider reaching the top 3 that you consider “must haves.”  Since we are not superwomen, why not spend your time and energy fulfilling the expectations your man MOST desires…Because this I can say…you cannot cook, clean, raise children, do everything on your own (without any help) and then still have time to laugh, talk, play, and have playful and joyful sex. If your emotional needs are not being met by your man…how do you expect intimacy to develop? If you don’t feel that intimacy in your relationship, it may mean that you then will be “too tired” for sex (a definite major need for a man).

I reckon that the superwoman syndrome will cause us to feel that we have to do “everything” at the sacrifice of the things that are most important for your relationship to grow…If you spend time doing these meaningless tasks…what energy is left at the end of the day to serve your husband emotionally? And if your husband comes home tired and grumpy every day, what energy does he have to talk and listen to your needs and desires?

OK, let me just clear up something…cooking, cleaning, and even working are not meaningless tasks…They do have a purpose…and a place…IT can just never be at the expense of the growth and intimacy of your relationship. That is when it becomes meaningless. It means nothing to do everything seemingly right and then have an empty marriage.

We all can’t do everything…But let’s remember to make the time for the things that are MOST important. On some days, I would rather eat out together with my husband…so we can have private time together to communicate and just “ole talk” as opposed to cooking…getting tired…and going to bed. Now it’s not to say that it is impossible to cook at home and still have that intimate time talking, playing etc…we do that too. But what I am encouraging you to do is to know yourself…Determine how best you can meet the primary needs of your man without sacrificing your sanity. Recognize when your energy levels are running low. Recognize when you need to slow down…And do whatever it takes to invest time into your relationship so you can have intimate communication weekly!

My husband is a psychiatrist…And most days when he comes home he is emotionally exhausted and physically tired…He often times does not feel like having deep conversations…and the first thing he wants to do when he gets home is unwind…My job is to respect that…And allow him his time to destress. I don’t feel bad when I get the short answers to the question – how was your day? I don’t feel bad when he just wants to watch TV to distress…And I don’t feel bad when he needs his time to hang out with the guys…I do believe that is important to the development and growth of our marriage…But all that understanding is balanced with the fact that I have not been deprived by him. My emotional needs are being met…And when I need to talk, he is ALWAYS there to listen. Coupled with the fact that since we got married we have had a regular “date night” every Friday and sometimes Saturday. And this is formal or informal dates. And informal date is eating cookies and ice-cream and watching TV! We do things together in the church…We play together in the gym…We strive to do lots of fun things together…We laugh about stupid stuff…And we watch stupid shows together…I don’t need to give him a ball by ball coverage of my day (unless it was a terribly stressful day)…I am content that we find joy enjoying the simplicity of life together…Knowing that we are ever so present emotionally when the need arises. And when my husband can’t be there…That’s okay…Because I have surrounded myself with some really awesome sisters who can be there for me during the stressful events of life. One man cannot be your everything…And he can never meet all of your needs…AT the end of the day, strike a happy balance between meeting each other’s PRIMARY needs and fulfilling other needs elsewhere.

So ask your husband…what are your top three must haves from me? And if appropriate, spend more of your energy trying to meet those needs and consider placing less stress on yourself if you need to order in or hire a maid J.