My Last Days in Trinidad

I started off this trip with the goal that it would be different…Different than any other trip I had taken before. And I am happy to say that my trip was amazingly different!!

God has truly done an amazing work in my heart…especially as it pertains to how I approach and dealt with my mother.

For as long as I can remember I have had a strained relationship with my mother due to her mental illness. I was probably around 7 when I realized something was not right…my father just told me that she was “sick.” But as a child I could not understand what that really meant. So due to a lack of knowledge, lack of medical support, lack of family support, and lack of whatever else, our relationship grew further and further apart.



A few years ago my godmother told me that I was my mother’s pride and joy…She was so proud of me…and that she use to walk with me in the neighborhood when I was a baby. It brought tears to my eyes because that is something I can say that I really did not remember. But I do remember… I remember when we used to take walks in the afternoons around the neighborhood…I remember when we used to make “chips” (French fries from scratch)…I remember sleeping in the same bed with her from birth to 7 or older….I remember having “normal” conversations with her…I remember her making macaroni and mincemeat (my favorite childhood food) for my school outing…I remember when she use to go to work and function like a “normal” person…

But then it all changed…with no warning, and no reason…I believe that there was a certain life event that triggered her mental illness…And without the proper treatment it grew worse. She suffered from delusions and believed that the whole world was against her. She created a plot in her head that no one could understand…As time went on we argued and fought endlessly…The worst of it all came when she use to call me nasty names and say I was not her daughter! As a child, it was very difficult to process why or how your mother disowned you to your face. I learnt responsibility at a very young age…I managed a household budget, paid all the bills, made groceries, took myself to school, monitored my school performance, kept myself out of trouble, all by the age of 13…It was not easy…not in the least. I hated my life and often found solace in more stable environments – my friends’ homes. I wanted so bad to leave!!

The day I left Trinidad to come to the US my mother cried. I am not sure if I ever told anyone…I went to say goodbye…I told her I was leaving to go and study in the states and she started crying…she took me to her room and gave me her gold anklet. I took it, but never wore it. My heart bled with tears inside…(I cry now just thinking about all of this!). At that time all I knew her as was someone who was sick…Someone that I should care for…but not someone I loved. It certainly was not a natural mother-daughter love. I stopped calling her “mommy” sometime when I was in primary school. That’s how long it has been. I now refer to her by her first name, but I don’t call her anything when talking with her.

I the one thing I do not like is when my friends or people in general refer to her as my “mommy” in general conversation. I don’t like it because she stopped being my “mommy” when she got sick years ago…She just became my biological mother. I have learnt to ignore it now where it does not bother me. Their affectionate use of the word “mommy” placed an additional burden on me to love her like a daughter. But how could I when she denied that I was her child? How could I love her like that? But I couldn’t tell anyone that I really didn’t love her like that. They would not understand…They would be shocked and appalled and wonder how I could not love her! At least that is what I thought. I only recently acknowledged to a friend and myself that I don’t love her.

While I have been in the U.S. my best friend’s mom helped tremendously to manage her care. With my dad’s bank card she paid the bills each month and made groceries for my mother each month. I often felt guilty and burdened by the thought that I was burdening someone else with my problems. But I didn’t know what other options were there. With a broken mental health system in a third world country, the resources were scare! My mother resisted treatment, refused to go to the doctor etc. She lived in atrocious conditions – some of which she created. The house started to look like one of those houses on the show “Hoarders.” In October 2009 someone broke into the house and hit my mother in her face. The incident though terrible, produced a series of events that resulted in her being forced to go to the mental health hospital, and then moved to a private home (for the elderly), all against her will. But we had to because it was in her best interest.

I never thought I would see the day where my mother would be on medication consistently! I never thought I would see the day where she would be in a private home! For years she has claimed that her name is not her name. She adamantly denied her name (it was part of the plot in her brain). As a result of that, when her ID card expired, she never renewed it…And that was sometime in the 1990’s. Without any form of identification she could not get financial help from the government or even get a passport. I always thought that was a hopeless case…But God proved me wrong. Last year she got her ID card! She didn’t give any trouble, and told the people in the office her correct name! AMAZING! So when I went to Trinidad this time, I took her to the social welfare office so we could start the process of applying for a disability grant. The next time I go we will work on opening a bank account and applying for a passport.

While I was in Trinidad my mother asked me if she could come and spend a night with me where I was staying. I am glad she asked because I was actually thinking about it myself! Note that this is not something I would have even entertained just 6 months ago! So I organized a hotel in Port-of-Spain (our capital) and rented a car for a couple days. I picked her up Friday morning and she was ready to go! We went to the zoo and looked at the sad, trapped animals. It was good. She enjoyed it…And I enjoyed spending the time with her. Then we checked in at the hotel and I gave her some gifts I bought for her…Then we went to the beach for some bake and shark!!! We walked along the shore on the sand…and I dipped in the water for a few seconds…But the waves were too rough for me to feel comfortable to go in alone. We went back to the hotel and I gave her some more stuff I brought for her. She was pleased…Watched TV, and went to bed.

The next morning we had a GREAT breakfast at the hotel. It was a true trini breakfast…the only thing missing was bake! We went back to the hotel room and relaxed until it was time to check out. We left POS and headed back south. Then I got a flat tire before I could even leave town! Talk about an eventful trip. I got it right by the lighthouse…I called home and aunty M sent her brother-in-law to my rescue! Thank God for people! Initially I asked this scraggly looking rasta with a beer in his hand for help…not the best move on my part…He said that I could follow him to a tire shop. When I called aunt M she told me not to go with him and that she is sending someone…When she asked me how this mystery man looked I was too shame to tell her all the details. LOL. I just said he looked scraggly…I left out the part about him being a rasta with a beer bottle in his hand at 12 in the day. LOL! Anyway, we made our way to the tire shop and an hour and a half later we were on our way back!

We stopped for lunch at the highway roti shop. It’s kinda crazy though…You have to literally come off on the shoulder of the highway, park on the shoulder, and walk while praying that none one the cars on the highway would sideswipe you! Only in Trinidad! Lunch was delish…Continued our journey, and picked up one of my girlfriends on the way. We made it back to the home and I chatted with the owner and her daughter (who is also a nurse). The daughter told me how happy she was that my mother was able to go with me. She said that since I came her countenance changed and she was just happier. I appreciated their positive feedback…

It was a little sad leaving. My mother asked me when I was coming back to visit. I didn’t know what to say cause I didn’t have any more trips planned for Trinidad this year. I told her I didn’t know. She said, JULY!? Awww, I don’t think I could make July since we had other travel plans…But we will see. I am definitely more motivated to visit now :).

God, I thank you for showing me that I should never put you in a box as to what you can and cannot do. My mother is in a safe environment, taking regular medication, acknowledges her name, is embracing me and even has an ID card! I would have never imagined that this was possible. I prayed that she would get better, and progress, but I could never see how it would really happen. Eventually I stopped praying because I didn’t believe it was possible. All I can say is thank you. And thank you for working on my heart and helping me to have an open spirit towards her.

For the first time, she was not a burden…she was a person!!

THANK YOU JESUS!