Saturday, July 28, 2012

Communication…The Lifeline of any Relationship



These feelings are raging up inside of me! I thought I had put it behind me…I thought I was not bothered by it anymore…I thought I was good…Until today…When feelings of hurt, sadness and anger, created a fury of raging emotions that has me in a bad place. Have you ever felt ill towards a “good” person but in your mind they were a bad person because of what they did to you? Have you ever felt that all the good times that was shared, the fun memories, and closeness of the relationship was trampled, scared and tainted because of what someone else did to you?

Have you ever felt so hurt and betrayed by someone that the pain feels like someone just died? Have you ever given up hope? Given up on that person? Given up on that love because of how you feel?

But then I ask myself…How do people forgive their partner when they commit the ultimate act of betrayal? How does a wife allow that cheating, no-good, two-face, so and so back into her heart? How!!!??? How can she trust him again? How can they rebuild their relationship when such devastation has occurred? That just seems beyond impossible…But it happens. Somehow, some way…they find their way back to each other…And perhaps, through the love and power of God they “start over.” They learn to love each other again…They learn to trust…They learn to forgive…More importantly they learn to communicate…and be honest with each other…They learn to talk about the little things before they turn into big things…And then they learn how to respect the other person’s thoughts and feelings…And learn to act appropriately based on that new knowledge.

In “normal,” healthy relationships we are able to maintain this type of communication without thinking too hard about it. We just do it. We say what’s on our minds and hearts freely and openly…Without fear of judgment and ridicule. We learn to cultivate a “safe place” where we can talk about tough issues. But sometimes that is not always easy even in the best of relationships…Sometimes fear inhibits our ability to talk freely…even when we KNOW we can say what we need to say and still be “accepted.” If this fear continues, it serves to destroy the basic foundation of even a healthy relationship. If fear is given power over the relationship, it will eat away at it bit by bit.

Before you know it, what was once a healthy relationship, filled with honest communication, turns into a relationship that is fragile, and easily broken. It is no longer a relationship based on total honesty and trust…And then we start to feel things…negative things…towards that person…It could be something they said…or didn’t say…It could be something they did…or didn’t do…And we say nothing…Silence…a relationship killer.

I have watched “Betrayal” on the OWN network several times and I have come to an interesting conclusion…As the name suggests Betrayal is about couples whose relationship was challenged and in some cases even dissolved due to one party committing adultery. In ALL the cases, regardless of what “motivated” the betrayal…the husbands or wives had reached a point where they stopped talking about issues that they should have talked about…Or maybe they “tried” to talk about it but their communication was ineffective…thus resulting in heated arguments that didn’t accomplish anything. Either way, no one was hearing the other person’s heart…

When we cannot be truly honest in our relationships it causes our relationships to die a slow death. I strongly believe that God calls us to have relationships where we are supposed to be honest with each other. Whether we are talking about ill feelings I have towards you…Or you coming to me because you sense that things are not right. God is not an advocate for “relationship killers,” He wants us to talk to each other about things that bother us…With the ultimate goal of preserving that relationship. He wants us to build a type of brotherhood and sisterhood with all our relationships…Whether family, friends, spouses or coworkers…But ESPECIALLY with our fellow Christians.

God calls us to be honest and “confess our sins” to each other. He wants us to hold each other accountable when sin enters the camp. He wants us to love and encourage, even discipline each other. God wants us to have relationships that are based on honest, open and FEARLESS communication. He wants us to have relationships based on love for the person…

But what has happened is that we have allowed fear to creep in the camp…We have allowed fear to stop us from being bold and brave. As a matter of fact, we despise it so much, that when someone is actually forward and honest with us about their feelings, it makes us uncomfortable. And when we feel uncomfortable, we try to AVIOD…Avoid feeling that way by blocking intimate communication.

So here is where I am guilty…I used to be that brave and fearless person…who could talk freely and boldly about my thoughts and feelings. My premise of friendship was one where I believed if we are close friends, then we are SUPPOSED to be honest with each other. We are supposed to hold each other accountable…We are supposed to be truthful when something bothers us and not hold it in…

But then…I became afraid…And fear crept in…I lost a friendship due to this boldness and honestly and it made me more reserved…I started to feel very anxious when I wanted to be honest with my friends…And that fear and anxiety stopped me from saying what was on my heart…And this is where my fury of emotions stems from.

I have tried so hard to forget and let go…I have tried and thought that I forgave this friend…I have even felt that I have taken the “high road” with regards to the situation…But now I recognize that negative feelings are still there…Almost 3 years later! UGH!!! I hate that…I hate that she can “move on” from our friendship…while I am still hung up over the hurt of losing it and how she treated it. It’s like I despise her for that…(Though I would never admit that holy Kaara could ever bear such feelings in my heart.)

I was talking to a friend about it recently about these feelings I was having and how it just surprised me that it was still unresolved…And she asked me what I wanted from her? I had not really thought about that…Because I think I made up in my mind that I wanted NOTHING to do with her! But maybe that’s not true. Maybe that’s why I still feel some type of way about this.

Maybe this is what I want…I want her to admit that she was WRONG for the way she handled the situation…I want to her apologize for her poor handling of everything…I want her to acknowledge that though she may have felt negatively towards me, that I cannot be BLAMED for that or held responsible if she didn’t communicate that with me…and I want her to see that her withholding all of that information is what caused the cookie to crumble…I want her to stop blaming me for the way I said something in the past that caused her to feel this way…and accept responsibility for her actions. I want people to stop saying that they feel like they cannot talk to me because I am some “big bad wolf” apparently. Like I am going to eat their heads off when they tell me a truth…And even if that’s how you feel, I want you to acknowledge that though you felt all these feelings towards me the power was in YOUR hands to address it…which you failed to do…I want you to say sorry for choosing to avoid conflict. I want you to acknowledge that you could have and should have brought closure to this relationship a long time ago…I want you to acknowledge that you were supposed to call me back to discuss what you wanted to do but never did. I want you to really see your role in all of this instead of putting it all on me…I want you to get off your high horse and realize that you crushed me beyond you could ever imagine because of your conflict avoiding tendencies. I just want you to say sorry for what you did…For failing to communicate to me what bothered you…for failing to talk to me about what was on your heart…and for allowing that lack of communication on your part to destroy our friendship. And finally, I want you to feel sorry in your heart for not FIGHTING for our friendship…Because that is what hurt the most.

That’s a lot of “I want” right there! Shrew.

I want to be able to just let go of these emotions…And forgive her even if “sorry” never comes…I want to be able to figure out how to love her like God wants me to love her…And what that should look like…I want to be able to hear other people say her name and not “feel” a negative feeling. And I want to be able to not let this loss of friendship, put me in a position of fear…I should not have allowed this experience to change me…I should not have held back…and not say what is on my heart…due to fear…Fear that you may not like it…and think that I am overbearing…Fear that while I am honest you are not…thinking things in your heart and harboring it against me…

But no more! No more fear…I am going to relearn to say what’s on my heart, freely, openly and honestly…I am going to trust God and follow His word…even if the outcome may not be in my favor. I am going to stop “avoiding” and just be me….free and without fear…

I am truly thankful for another friend who helped bring me to this point…She didn’t even know that is what she was doing at the time…But her openness and honesty with me, provided me a safe place to say what was on my heart and mind for all this time. It is such a freeing feeling when you can “get it off your chest” and just leave it there…And not carrying it around…

Praise God for this new found freedom…

Now for these negative feelings…HELP me Lord.

2 comments:

  1. I know the hurt, girl. A very dear friend stopped talking to me several years ago, and never bothered to explain why. I spent years in turmoil wondering what I did or said. I will never know. It was hard to move on without closure. That's what is probably bothering you too. You don't have closure but the other person does. There's only one way around this, Kaara. You have to forgive her and let go. Forgive her by telling yourself that she did what she thought was best, and that if she really knew how much it hurt you, she would have done differently. She's only human. Her decision was made with her limited knowledge. "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do" - sounds familiar? Then let go. Let go of the need for closure, the need for that last discussion to plead your case...just exhale.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a wonderful comment!!! you are SOOOO RIGHT!? And who are you anonymouse? :). Your words brought tears to my eyes...Let go on the need for closure...that's it right there! Breathe and exhale. Amen. I love it. THANK YOU!!

    ReplyDelete