Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Loving Friends Despite…

Is it wrong to sever ties with a “friend” who no longer fulfills the role of a friend? Is it possible to still love that person yet not be friends? What would Jesus do? The Bible talks about loving everyone, especially your enemies…What good is it if a man only loves those who love him…The Bible suggests that it is easy to love those who love us but very difficult to love those who do not love us. I am learning more and more how true that is. 

I used to think that I didn’t have enemies. I thought enemies came in the form of people who were blatantly against you…People who would desire the worst for you…People who were against your very being. But I realized that enemies don’t come dressed as scary monsters that we sometimes think of. Enemies can grow up right in your back yard…Or even in your own house…They come dressed as siblings, friends, mothers, fathers, spouses, family members and church members. They are the people you least suspect…The people you give your all too…And they are the people who often hurt you the most. So the question of the day is, how do you love them when they don’t love you…Or seemingly don’t love you…If I had the scary monster enemies, that would be easy…BUT they are so far removed from my life that I don’t even know they exist. But those people in my back yard…The ones I see all the time…How do you love them despite their lack of love?

You have probably heard of the saying, “Why should I make you a priority in my life when I am optional in your life?” I recently (within the last 2 years) started applying that saying to both my family and friends. Far too often I have found myself giving but not getting…I call, I write, I email, I visit…I put out an effort to say in touch and stay connected…I try very hard to be part of your life…Yet you put little to no effort to be part of my life. The constant feelings of being rejected by you have caused tears and heartache that I feel isn’t necessary. Why should I constantly put myself out there for you and you not do the same for me…? So you know what I did? I stopped trying…I stopped calling…I stopped emailing…I stopped visiting…And you didn’t even notice…You didn’t even miss me…Heck, you probably don’t even care! smh.

Sunday night I was in Trinidad and talking with an old friend…A friend who I loved dearly for the past 15 years. But over the past year or two I noticed that our friendship was changing. Let’s call this friend Jamie. In my conversation with Jamie I made it clear that I had some pent up feelings regarding our relationship. Jamie tried to play it off as nothing…You know the typical, “what are you talking about!?”  Jamie said that even if we don’t talk much I should know that if I needed something Jamie would be there…OH REALLY!!!!???? (RELEASE THE BEAST WITHIN ME) – UMMMMMM, first of all, no…you would not be there…I no longer feel that I can count on you because of the NUMEROUS times I asked to speak with you and you ignored my messages…Or the numerous times I asked for your help and you had some stupid excuse of being too busy…PU-LEASE! (Don’t worry, I was really calm when talking to Jamie…nice actually…maintained a respectful tone and everything)…But we never finished our conversation…I referenced an email I had sent a few months ago that Jamie never responded too…And I ended our conversation by saying go read that email, and respond to it…

I decided to send Jamie the email so that there would be no excuses of, ‘I could not find the email.’ After I sent that email, I followed with another long email stating how I felt about our friendship. Here is a blurb from my email:

I visited an elderly man who had Parkinson’s…It was one of the saddest things ever…And next to his wife who was there every day, was an OLD school friend from his college days…Who came and stayed with him…His Parkinson’s was really bad…sometimes he would forget who his wife was, or where he was etc. It was sad I tell you…But nothing could beat having the support of that old school friend there…Someone to support the wife…someone to support him, even when he could not be aware of who she was…INTENTIONAL…is what will allow you, me and anyone else to have that type of relationship when we are older…I never knew you to be so selfish with your time or love…You became MORE of a recluse…You hide more…and you give of yourself less…You were not always that way and you DON’T have to continue to be that way…

Here is Jamie’s response…

I understand what you’ve said, and I acknowledge that I am a more selfish person than I used to be-and also less outgoing in some senses. These things need to change, I know, but it’ll take time – and effort, effort that I don’t really feel willing to make these days…

WTH!!!! How should I respond to this!? Because from the looks of it, it sounds as though you acknowledge that you have been a bad friend, but right now you are not willing to change anything about yourself…You are not willing to communicate with me…You are not willing to be there for me…So what really should I do? Should I continue to hold on to a friendship that has obliviously changed directions? 

My gut instinct is to simply let it go…I have had good practice with severing a lot of my emotional ties to certain friends and family…I have fought a good fight, and it’s just time to allow the friendship to change courses…But a part of me feels that if I do that, then I will be abandoning Jamie at a time when Jamie probably needs someone…Jamie may be in a place where good sense does not prevail…Maybe Jamie is depressed? Maybe Jamie is suicidal? Or maybe Jamie is just a looser friend? What would Jesus do? In my mind, I cannot be friends with Jamie…Because friends should not watch you and then intentionally hurt you because they are too lazy to be different or do better. 

But if I was down and out and cast everyone aside, maybe it would be that one friend who stuck by my side no matter what…That one friend who never gave up on me…Maybe it might be that one friend who could help me get off my feet at a time when I didn’t even know I was down and out…Maybe that’s the true definition of friendship…To be able to LOVE despite of…Despite the lack of love you show towards me…Despite your selfish spirit…Despite your lack of caring and concern for me…Despite your hurtful ways…I can still love you INSPITE of all of that. That’s what Jesus does…All the time…with you, me, and everyone…He loves us when we do right, and when we do wrong. We cannot buy is love…So he offers us grace…He offers us the opportunity to make mistakes and be forgiven. How can I love like Jesus? Despite of?

Please help me! What is the right thing to do? Have you ever found yourself at the crossroads of a friendship? Did you fight for that friendship or did you let it take its “natural” course? What have you learnt from your experiences?

2 comments:

  1. A Time for Everything

    1There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under heaven:
    2a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    3a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    4a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
    6a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    7a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    8a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

    Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

    I have been reading your blog for some time now and I actually have been coming back the same thing when I read your posts of this type. It seems as though you have an all or nothing approach to your friendships, especially the ones that you seem to value as close friendships. Very few things in life can be sustained at 100% as the scripture above suggests. This includes your friendships. Very often life gets in the way and circumstances outside of the friendship take away from the relationship temporarily. It does not mean that Jamie is any less of a friend to you, but that she is unable to sustain the friendship at the high intensity that it was before because of other pressing matters in her life. Your style in your conversation with her while not heated in volume appears confrontational rather than really approaching the relationship in love. The hurt you feel from the situation is apparent in your writing and while I may be stretching here, I am sure was apparent in your discussions with her- you spoke out of your hurt than out of an intent to really understand the changing dynamics of the relationship or what may have been happening in her life.

    I have a "here we go around the mulberry bush" approach to lessons the Lord tries to teach me. By that I mean that he brings us to the same situations over and over again in life till we learn the lessons that we should from them and then again for good measure he brings us to them again to see how we respond differently. It is not unusual to see the same situations and circumstances rearing their heads in our lives over and over again because we have not accurately dealt with them. We cannot change others or how they respond, but we can change how we respond.

    I sincerely hope that you stop taking it so personally and start to look at how you can be a good friend to Jamie who appears to be going through her own issues. This does not mean that she has to pour out her heart to you, but should she wish to, that you are there as a support. That you support her through her seasons as you would hope that she supports you through yours!

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  2. Thanks for taking the time to respond! I like some of what you said...But I would say that I don't agree that my response (email) was not in love. I think sometimes we mistake someone being truthful/honest about their feelings as not being loving. I see it as the opposite...I think that genuine love brings assertiveness to a relationship that REQUIRES honesty...Honesty about you I FELT when you did X,Y,Z...and honesty about how you felt when I did X,Y,Z. With that honesty we can move beyond that, and grow in our relationship. A lack of honesty serves to suppress negative emotions, stifle relationships, and inhibits growth.

    Now remember, this was just a blurb from my very long email...And was preceded by a lovely evening spent with Jamie discussing friendships, and my changing relationships with folks, and ended with a "please follow up with me and the email I had sent a few months ago." I did not mention in my blog that I did try to ascertain why Jamie felt that way? And what was going on after that first response? HAHAHA, as a matter of fact, one of the things Jamie said that night when we were together was that I am ALWAYS trying to check up, and see what’s going on, always trying to figure out what’s wrong, and nag just like a sister . So trust and believe, Jamie is quite aware of how much I have given, how much I have loved, and how hurt I am/was.

    Regardless of approach…the issue at hand is the nature of friendships when friends stop being friends. I have a hard time understanding how someone can be your friend in name but not be there? How can someone be your friend when you have called, emailed, texted, facebooked, etc. and get no response in a year?? How can you call that person a friend?

    Am I being black and white? Maybe it seems that way because I tend to call out what most people leave unsaid. I am sure every one of us can think back to a time when we had a really good friend, and then that friendship slowly dwindled without anyone saying anything, and for no apparent reason. If we were true and honest with ourselves we would say that we are no longer “close” friends with that person. But in truth, could I still call that person my “friend” when we are absent from each other’s life in EVERY sense of the word? I have learnt that God sends us what we need every time. And sometimes he sends us friends in the here and now…He sends us friends for a season, that we sometimes want to take with us for a lifetime. And for that season, they were great friends…A new season brings new relationships, and changes old friendships. Should any of my “old” friends decide that they want to turn over a new leaf with our friendship, my heart will be open. I have done it before with a friend from high school that dwindled away and abandoned our friendship for years at a time. Yet still I reached out to her and she was at a place where she could reach back. And so we restored our relationship.

    Did you read my latest post? I wrote the message I sent to Jamie. Let me know your thoughts, I find it very interesting.

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