I have been inspired to write a series of posts that will
take us through my past, present and future dealings with relationships. I’ll
talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly…and really, why are relationships
just so hard!!? My first post will resurrect an email I sent to my sister about
two years ago. But before I do, I must
share some family history.
I don’t even know how to begin writing about the history of
my family without writing a dissertation! But here is the short version… Many
years before I was born, my father had several kids who subsequently moved to
the US sometime in the late 70s…Out of an adulterous relationship, I was
born…which will set the tone for the future relationships with my siblings.
I spent the first 22 years of my life in Trinidad and grew
up as an “only child.” While I didn’t grow up with my father’s children, I
always knew of them and for as long as I can remembered desired very much to
have a relationship with them! I made
several trips to the US during my childhood and was able to meet them…And that
served to fuel my desire to be “with them.” In other words, I not only wanted
to be physically in the US, I wanted to be part of the family…Share traditions,
celebrate milestones etc.
There was one sister in particular (let’s call her Jillian)
I felt particularly close to. Of everyone, she responded most favorably to my
outputs. We traveled together, spoke on the phone regularly and in my opinion, we
connected well. Then she had several major life events happen…She quit her job,
moved to another state, and went back to school to start a whole new career!
Brave huh!? Yeah, I thought it was inspiring. But slowly thereafter we lost
touch.
After several failed attempts to connect by phone and email
over the course of several months and feeling increasingly hurt I wrote an
email…My goal was to first acknowledge that I have a problem and I want to
solve it. Here is an email I wrote back in August 2009 to her about loosing
touch:
How are you doing? I
called for you in a couple weeks ago...I got James but you were sleeping...Then
I called 3-4 times while you were in NY. Did you not get my messages? I do feel
kinda bad for trying to reach you and it not being reciprocated. I must say
that I have felt increasingly distant in recent times with you and I am not
sure if it was just that you were busy with school and work, or you just
couldn't bother. Either way, I just like to get things out in the open and talk
about them...rather than have it build up inside.
I hope you are doing
well!
K
(OK,
after reading that email, my 32 year old self wants to tell my 29 year old self
that you sound pretty desperate, even stalkerish…Calling 3-4 times? Really? Are
you like hunting down an ex-boyfriend or something…LOL! Anyway, I get points
for at least trying to address a problem I have that is causing me much
distress! But I digress…)
Her response:
Sorry but uhhhh?
I think the last time
we exchanged mail/talked was in late spring. And I just thought things were
busy all around & you were just keeping in contact with (oldest sis).
And I thought you just
called to say Hi to family, I didn't know you were personally trying to hunt me
down. And I was out a lot in NY because of some stuff going on & it had
nothing to do with or against you.
So I hope things are
going better.
J : )
After
that email, I wrote another email (much longer) thanking her for her response,
detailing why it is I felt hurt by the lack of communication, and a plea for us
to talk (over the phone) so we can truly clear the air…But NO RESPONSE. We
email sporadically for the next year to two without me being able to address my
issues with her. Then finally, two years later (Nov, 2011)…after going back and
forth in my mind…and experiencing moments of sadness due to our lack of communication...I write another email…much longer and pointed. See HERE
for the complete email and her response. But here is an excerpt from my email:
And I wanted to let
you know that my desire for us was to foster a closer relationship as
sisters...not distant, pumpkin-vine relatives...I want to have that
sister-sister relationship that I always dreamed about when I was a little
girl...I want to invite you into my heart, so you can get to know me...know my
highs and lows and be one of the cheer leaders in my life...And I want to be
the same for you.
I do not like that we
do not speak regularly. I know that we are all busy...But I also believe that
people make time for the things that are important to them. AND I think my
family is important...Important enough for me to call and email regularly and
stay connected with what's going in in their life...
I want to know that if or when Jared and I
have kids, that you will be there...And they won't be like me with no aunties,
uncles, cousins or grandparents! But they would have a loving extended family
who embraces them. I want us to be connected more than we are now.
The part I highlighted above was really the HEART of why I
have worked so hard to foster close relationships with my family over the past
10 years. I didn’t grow up with a large
family…And for the most part, my family life was dysfunctional and I didn’t
want that for my child…Even though at the time Jayce was not even a thought
yet!
Her response kinda confused me. It sounded very abstract as
she refrained from using “I feel” so I wasn’t sure how she was feeling…Nor did
she really answer my plea for restoring our sisterly relationship. Or did she?
I was pretty clear (for once!) about my heart, my desires, my hurt and my dream
for us. I didn’t beat around the bush, I didn’t sugar coat. I wasn’t overly
emotional as some would say…(Though, looking back at some of this I am looking
kinda desperate for friends by this point, LOL). I write back asking for
clarity in her response, and if we could talk…But guess what her response was??…NO RESPONSE! Are you seeing the trend? For the second time, I confess
that I have a problem and would like to talk to her about it…But when I seek
clarification and ask for us to talk, she doesn’t even write back. So what am I
to do?
Tune in for part two where I talk about my journey to
finding a “resolution.”
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