Monday, September 9, 2013

Dealing with Relationships Uncensored! My Sister


I have been inspired to write a series of posts that will take us through my past, present and future dealings with relationships. I’ll talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly…and really, why are relationships just so hard!!? My first post will resurrect an email I sent to my sister about two years ago.  But before I do, I must share some family history.

I don’t even know how to begin writing about the history of my family without writing a dissertation! But here is the short version… Many years before I was born, my father had several kids who subsequently moved to the US sometime in the late 70s…Out of an adulterous relationship, I was born…which will set the tone for the future relationships with my siblings.

I spent the first 22 years of my life in Trinidad and grew up as an “only child.” While I didn’t grow up with my father’s children, I always knew of them and for as long as I can remembered desired very much to have a relationship with them!  I made several trips to the US during my childhood and was able to meet them…And that served to fuel my desire to be “with them.” In other words, I not only wanted to be physically in the US, I wanted to be part of the family…Share traditions, celebrate milestones etc.
 I would say, from age 8 to 22, I romanticized the idea of having a wonderful, close sisterly relationship with them. And with that idea of family I had in my head, I set out to establish a relationship with everyone here in the US. I would visit for Christmas, Thanksgiving, call, email, visit them etc. etc. My step mother made it a point to tell me that she accepted me and that she did not have any problems with me…I believed her wholeheartedly! I made myself try to fit in…Though many times it felt like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Nonetheless, I tried…much to my dismay at times.

There was one sister in particular (let’s call her Jillian) I felt particularly close to. Of everyone, she responded most favorably to my outputs. We traveled together, spoke on the phone regularly and in my opinion, we connected well. Then she had several major life events happen…She quit her job, moved to another state, and went back to school to start a whole new career! Brave huh!? Yeah, I thought it was inspiring. But slowly thereafter we lost touch.

After several failed attempts to connect by phone and email over the course of several months and feeling increasingly hurt I wrote an email…My goal was to first acknowledge that I have a problem and I want to solve it. Here is an email I wrote back in August 2009 to her about loosing touch:


How are you doing? I called for you in a couple weeks ago...I got James but you were sleeping...Then I called 3-4 times while you were in NY. Did you not get my messages? I do feel kinda bad for trying to reach you and it not being reciprocated. I must say that I have felt increasingly distant in recent times with you and I am not sure if it was just that you were busy with school and work, or you just couldn't bother. Either way, I just like to get things out in the open and talk about them...rather than have it build up inside.

I hope you are doing well!
K

(OK, after reading that email, my 32 year old self wants to tell my 29 year old self that you sound pretty desperate, even stalkerish…Calling 3-4 times? Really? Are you like hunting down an ex-boyfriend or something…LOL! Anyway, I get points for at least trying to address a problem I have that is causing me much distress! But I digress…)

Her response:
Sorry but uhhhh?
I think the last time we exchanged mail/talked was in late spring. And I just thought things were busy all around & you were just keeping in contact with (oldest sis).
And I thought you just called to say Hi to family, I didn't know you were personally trying to hunt me down. And I was out a lot in NY because of some stuff going on & it had nothing to do with or against you.
So I hope things are going better.
J : )

After that email, I wrote another email (much longer) thanking her for her response, detailing why it is I felt hurt by the lack of communication, and a plea for us to talk (over the phone) so we can truly clear the air…But NO RESPONSE. We email sporadically for the next year to two without me being able to address my issues with her. Then finally, two years later (Nov, 2011)…after going back and forth in my mind…and experiencing moments of sadness due to our lack of communication...I write another email…much longer and pointed. See HERE for the complete email and her response. But here is an excerpt from my email:

And I wanted to let you know that my desire for us was to foster a closer relationship as sisters...not distant, pumpkin-vine relatives...I want to have that sister-sister relationship that I always dreamed about when I was a little girl...I want to invite you into my heart, so you can get to know me...know my highs and lows and be one of the cheer leaders in my life...And I want to be the same for you.

I do not like that we do not speak regularly. I know that we are all busy...But I also believe that people make time for the things that are important to them. AND I think my family is important...Important enough for me to call and email regularly and stay connected with what's going in in their life...

I want to know that if or when Jared and I have kids, that you will be there...And they won't be like me with no aunties, uncles, cousins or grandparents! But they would have a loving extended family who embraces them. I want us to be connected more than we are now.

The part I highlighted above was really the HEART of why I have worked so hard to foster close relationships with my family over the past 10 years.  I didn’t grow up with a large family…And for the most part, my family life was dysfunctional and I didn’t want that for my child…Even though at the time Jayce was not even a thought yet!

Her response kinda confused me. It sounded very abstract as she refrained from using “I feel” so I wasn’t sure how she was feeling…Nor did she really answer my plea for restoring our sisterly relationship. Or did she? I was pretty clear (for once!) about my heart, my desires, my hurt and my dream for us. I didn’t beat around the bush, I didn’t sugar coat. I wasn’t overly emotional as some would say…(Though, looking back at some of this I am looking kinda desperate for friends by this point, LOL). I write back asking for clarity in her response, and if we could talk…But guess what her response was??…NO RESPONSE! Are you seeing the trend? For the second time, I confess that I have a problem and would like to talk to her about it…But when I seek clarification and ask for us to talk, she doesn’t even write back. So what am I to do?

Tune in for part two where I talk about my journey to finding a “resolution.”  

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