Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Happy New Year…OR not so HAPPY and not so NEW year

So it has been “donkey-city” years since I last updated my blog! I have had so much on my heart and mind but have not made it over here to share, vent or cry!!

So I must confess…I am a bit overwhelmed right now. You ever felt blah but didn’t know why? Or just felt sad out of seemingly nowhere…and all of a sudden!? I’m feeling that way now…

Apart from life (work, baby, sleep deprivation, baby, husband, life, visa expiring, work, job hunting, greencard application, life, selling house, moving,…etc) I think my feelings came when I looked for encouragement from the wrong place/person. Have you ever tried to encourage someone to do something simply because you really want to do it? For instance, think about studying your bible more, being more healthy, anything…Have you ever said to your best friend, family, or significant other, “Hey! I think it would be a great idea if we did such and such…” Hoping that they would respond with your same enthusiasm. When I do that…I am looking for encouragement to implement my idea…Except, I don’t want to do it alone…I don’t want to grow spiritually alone…I don’t want to exercise alone…I don’t want to be the only one trying to eat healthy…I don’t want to cry alone…I don’t want to suffer alone…etc. etc.
Life…Most days are good days…Most days the sun is shining amidst the clouds. But today just isn’t one of those days…I think I might be having a “woe it’s me” moment…

First of all, why is it that my child woke up 6 times last night? And every other night for the past two months!!! Why is it that no matter what we do (put him to bed early, put  him to bed late, feed him more, feed him less, feed him cereal, have him take long naps in the day, short naps)…NOTHING WORKS…Why is it that he went from sleeping beautifully (6-7 hours) without waking up at 2 months, to this craziness!!? And WHY did all of this start happening when I went back to work!!! Why is it that I feel like I am getting the dregs of his day when I rush home at 5:30, only to start putting a fussy/tired baby to sleep by 6:30, sometimes even 6pm like today…Why is it that I feel like I am missing out? Why is it that I sometimes feel too sleepy to enjoy the simple moments…And why is it that everyone has a different opinion on what to do!!?

But apart from that…I have been soooo tired the last couple of weeks, that I had to take some time to catch up on sleep…So while I was able to resume sisters class in January, I had to skip it entirely for February…Not to mention Wednesday night Bible class seems to be a distant memory for both Jared and I…And it is HERE, where I am tempted to compare myself to everyone…Well my girls managed to find a way to bring their babies to bible class, why can’t I? But should I really drag a sleeping baby to bible class…so he can fuss and cry because he is sleepy and tired…Then by the time he gets home he is overtired and even harder to put to bed!? Then have him wake up even more during the night etc…Then his daytime schedule seems to change every day! One day he sleeps from 9am-10am, 12pm-2pm, and maybe 4pm-5pm…Other days he takes 30 minute cat naps instead…Other days he sleeps 10am-12pm and 2pm-4pm…How can I get this aligned…and what exactly should I be aligning it to? Am I expecting too much here?? I mean he is only four and a half months…Sometimes what I think is normal may actually be skewed…so tell me please…what is normal!?

So apart from baby drama…We are in the process of putting our house on the market! Yep, we are selling our house…Jared will be finished with his fellowship in July and is in the process of job hunting…However he can only accept a position if they are first willing to file for his work visa and greencard. With that said, there are not many places willing to do this!! Not even Duke, the people who trained him does not want to go through the process to keep him! So it has been harder than we EVER imagined! Hence the reason we are selling our house…In all likelihood, we may have to move at the drop of a hat…And I don’t want us to be stuck with this mortgage if that is the case…But then yesterday I started to think about all the what if’s…What if Jared does not have a job July 1st? That would mean that we would only have my income which is not enough to cover our expenses (even if we sold our house!)…That would mean paying out of pocket for health insurance for Jared and Jayce (a whopping $1,000 a month!)…What if we sold the house now? That would mean we would have to put all our belongings in storage, pay hundreds of dollars to move it to storage, and find somewhere to squat! And who would look after Jayce? Would Jared be “stuck” with him all day, every day while I am at work? Will he go crazy!? What if he gets a job way cross country!? That would now mean thousands of dollars in moving expenses! What if we had to go back home, to the Caribbean because we cannot afford to live? How can we even begin to maintain our independence we have enjoyed back home? How will we deal with the heat? Where will Jayce play? How will we move about freely without a car!? How, how, how!? HOW WILL I SURVIVE!!!? What if Jayce got sick and needed to go to the hospital!? What type of care would he receive? How will we pay for it? TOO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

My job has agreed to extend my visa…But I can only extend it for three months as the law does not allow me to be on a work visa for more than 6 consecutive years. And as luck would have it, this is my sixth year (ending in Oct). At the very least that buys us time to remain in the U.S. legally until then…And hopefully by then Jared would be able to start working…And then where does that leave me? If we move, it means I’ll be leaving my job…But will I find a job? Will I be “stuck” at home?

THEN…The reality of moving seems more real…And that makes me sad…Because while I am excited about the new adventure that life may take us on…I am sad that I will be leaving good friends behind…I am sad to think about leaving NC…the place I now call HOME…The place where Jared and I started our marriage and so many of you watched us grow into our new family…The place where I feel the most love and support! I am sad that when people move the nature of their relationships changes…No matter how great of friends you are…even best friends…the relationship changes…I have lived it over and over and over again…moving means goodbye. The physical presence of people brings together a level of connectedness, fellowship, and giving of oneself, that distance takes away. I have seen where my darling friends who would make time to physically see me, hang out with me, talk to me etc. when physically present would not do so when apart. I have seen where seemingly close friendships, grow distant because of physical distance…Think about it…so and so calls you from church…you answer the phone, you go meet them in person, you fellowship with them etc…Kaara, who is 20 thousand miles away calls and its weeks or months before I hear back. This is the part of moving I hate the most…And so when I say happy new year…or not so happy…this is what I am referring to…I started off the year kind glum because I was thinking about my NC family…and feeling as though I will be losing some this year…

So with my bright ideas of accountability partners, studying together, skype, prayer partners, ladies getaway, marriage retreat, visiting each other every year, family vacations …so that no matter where we are in the world we would remain forever connected…this is my way of seeking “encouragement.” And hoping that someone matches my enthusiasm. But alas…I might be seeking encouragement from the wrong place. For while many will say yes, few will mean it.

P.S. I feel a WHOLE lot better now that I have gotten that off my chest! Please pray for me!

No comments:

Post a Comment