Miserable Comforters

Job, during his time of illness and despair, referred to his friends as miserable comforters!

I have been blessed with the opportunity to teach the ladies class at my congregation on Tuesday nights. I must confess that I was a little skeptical of my own abilities to teach this class…ESPECIALLY when I was given the topics!!!! The topics were dealing with depression, anxiety, grief and illness. Boy oh boy, ‘what do I know about this???’ I said to myself! I felt like I was the most “unqualified” person to teach this class. ‘I don’t know anything about depression, anxiety, illness and grief!’ Boy was I wrong!!! One day I was sharing my fears with another sister…And she said to me, “but you do know about illness…because you know about it from a mental health standpoint. And everything that you went through with the varied emotions you can relate to the sisters!” I am thankful for the encouragement I received along the way to do this class…I have truly been blessed beyond what I can imagine…



The lesson that has impacted me the most was the lesson on “Illness-From the caregivers point of view.” I don’t know what made me think about that…God must have placed it on my heart somehow…As I prepared for this lesson, I learnt about caregivers, their role, feelings etc. it suddenly dawned on me that I was a caregiver!! The strange thing is that I never looked at my own self as a caregiver before. But I have been functioning in that role since I was about 13 years old. All I knew at that time was that my mother had a mental illness…No one told me what it was, there was no family education about mental illness, there were no case managers or social workers working with our family to help us adjust, there were no special services provided…nothing…My father went to the US for about 6 months at a time and I was left “in-charge” of taking care of the household bills, groceries etc.

As I shared with the ladies about the plethora of emotions that caregivers often face, I had to face my own reality…my own emotions…some of which I never shared or verbalized.

Caregivers are at risk of clinical depression and burnout, due to the role that they play. They function in the background, oftentimes unnoticed. They pour out a lot of effort and energy to keep things together, and even put up a good front…having others believe that they are okay, when they may be falling apart inside. Caregivers feel an array of deep emotions ranging from feeling fulfilled and happy to downright depressed, angry and resentful.

I was 7 when I learnt that my mother was “sick.” But that was all that was said to me…I eventually figured out she was sick in her head…But what did that really mean? It was not until I was 18, that I learnt that she had schizophrenia. And even then I still didn’t know what that really meant. As a result of not understanding her mental illness, there was a lot of frustration that brewed over the years…We argued often, and our relationship was tenuous at best. I despised my life. I was resentful!

Caregivers often feel resentful…Resentful to God! Why me God!? When I was a teenager I often asked God “Why me?” I asked Him why I could not be born into a “regular” family…I asked Him why I had to be the understanding one? Why I couldn’t be JUST a child? Why I had to grow up so fast and be mature? WHY???

Resentful to family…A part of me must have been resentful towards my father to giving me such a heavy burden to carry at such a tender age…For thinking that it was okay for me to take care of myself, the house, and my mother at 13…And for telling me time and time again, “you know better! You know she is sick. Don’t argue with her!” He didnt know about her illness, and as a result I was not educated about her illness. He told me to be understanding, yet at time he hardly demonstrated any understanding with her when he would ask, “why doesn’t she take her medication? Why doesn’t she clean the house?” When we had to take her to the mental health hospital by force a year ago, he couldn’t understand why!!! He said she was not that sick!! But didn't realize how she was living? The state of affairs that was going on inside that house? Or that the house was falling apart? Did he realize that the door frame was rotting because termites had eaten through it? Or that there were missing window panes in the window? Did he realize she did not have regular running water? Did he realize that she was basically living in a pig sty? I am sure some of it he knew, but I dont think he fully understood the extent of how bad things were. And so due to limited knowledge or a lack of understanding I have bared this alone when I lived in Trinidad! And even with all of that I love my father dearly...and I do understand that he acted from a place where he thought he knew what was best. But as a child I am sure I was not able to apply those reasoning skills like I am able to do today. Even when he told me that she was not sick in 2009, I didn't let it bother me too much because I knew he just didn't know better.

And even as caregivers feel resentful, they feel guilty for feeling that way…Because we are not supposed to feel that way…So our resentment and anger is now laden with guilt for feeling the way we feel. Good little Christians are supposed to wear our struggles with a smile. We are supposed to willingly serve and not complain…So we allow ourselves to feel guilty, for feeling the way we feel. It’s like being ashamed of your feelings. So you never tell anyone…you plaster on a smile, and you keep it moving. You never deal with your feelings, you hardly even acknowledge your feelings to yourself much less anyone. You want to tell someone, but you fear they won’t understand…Or you fear that they would look at you differently – in a bad way.

I have been told directly and indirectly that I am supposed to love my mother because she is my mother…She gave birth to me…She brought me into this world…And if for nothing else I am supposed to love her because of that. So how can I share my true feelings with anyone? How can I possibly admit that I do not feel like I love my mother!? They would think that I am a bad person if I said that…right?

And as all these emotions go on behind the scenes of caregivers, they face the world with a brave front and a smile on their face. How is everything, you ask? Great! We reply. God is Good!…We are blessed and highly favored!… ammmm, yeah…right! On the inside we are cracking up….tearing apart emotionally…with no one to share it with who can truly understand…Sometimes feeling unworthy to even pray…Or sometimes just not knowing what to say to God…Or sometimes just not understanding what’s going on in your head!

In preparation for the lesson on caregivers I read most of the book of Job. Job was severely afflicted…this was bad…really, really bad! When his friends heard about what was going on they came straight away! And then sat with Job in silence for 7 days and 7 nights because they just didn’t know what to say or do. Job’s friends were not exactly caregivers, but they sort of functioned like caregivers in sense. When our close friends or family need us we are often inclined to run to their rescue! And Job’s friends did just that…There were very much present and there for him.

But after a while, they started to get a little tired…maybe even frustrated with Job’s situation. And they called for Job to repent, because he must have done something wrong to be placed in this situation. But Job told them that he did nothing wrong and maintained his innocence. The dialog goes on for some 40 chapters with Job’s friends going back and forth with Job…demanding that he repent! Come on Job, get it together now! Do something about this! Don’t just sit there! REPENT! Make this go away!

Sometimes caregivers feel the same way…When you don’t understand what is going on with the sick person, it’s very easy to get frustrated, angry, annoyed, irritated, at the person you are caring for. As was the case of my mother, I didn’t understand her mental illnesses, which caused a lot of emotional pain and anger and fights. Many times I found myself like Job’s friends saying to get up and do something! Don’t choose to be this way! But Job was not choosing to be that way, and neither was my mother. At the end of Job it was revealed to everyone that Job did nothing wrong, and God allowed his sickness and ailment to come upon him…Just like God allowed it to come upon my mother. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. However, we can temper our reactions and frustrations if we take some time to try to see things through the other person’s eyes. Job’s friends weren’t trying to hear none of that. They judged him based on the lens they had on. And based on what they thought was right…Sometimes we are not always right…Sometimes we don’t know the answers. As Job suffered with his illness, no one knew what was going on except for God and the devil. It was not until the very end that everything was revealed and Job was blessed more than when he started. Likewise, when we have to take care of someone, we sometimes do not know all what’s going on behind the scenes. But it would one day be revealed. And we will be blessed for our sacrifice.

I must say that Job was really patient with his friends. I was wondering how come he just didn’t put them out of his house! At one point he referred to them as “miserable comforters.”

I had an experience recently with a “miserable comforter.” I was confiding in a friend about how I don’t like it when folks ask me if I plan to bring my mother to the US…The reason I don’t like when people ask that question is because it points to the whole concept of people not really understanding my situation, and my feelings surrounding my mother. They judge the situation from what little they know through their lens and not mine. As a caregiver, you can often feel like no one truly understands how you feel. OR that no one really accepts how you feel (because it is wrong to feel the way you feel). And that no one really takes the time to understand…I have felt that way many times.

I said that I feel that when people ask me if I am planning to bring my mother to the US, it places undue pressure on me to conform to a certain standard. Their standard. They never consider the financial or emotional burden that would be placed on myself or my marriage…Nor do they consider or are aware of the natural difficulty that is involved in bringing her up to the US since she does not have a visa, much less a passport…And the fact that we are not citizens and are on visas ourselves, automatically limits our ability to even entertain that thought at the moment…And even if we could entertain the thought, that does not mean that we want to…And so, am I a bad person for thinking that way? And then comes the feelings of guilt and the societal pressure to conform to a certain standard. And so I have often felt guilty for not doing enough, or being able to do better. But all of that is compounded by that simple question… “Are you going to try bring your mother to the US?”

So as I was trying to explain this whole concept my friend immediate interjects that she obviously expects me to one day bring my mother to the US! And her inability or unwillingness to try to understand what I was saying invalidated how I felt. And just added pain to what I was already feeling…

You see, Job’s friends were good friends…They came running as soon as they heard what was going on…they sat with him for 7 days and 7 nights in silence…And even after they were being “miserable comforters” they never left. They were giving bad advice, but the advice they were giving was from their limited knowledge of thinking that God would not allow bad things to happen to good people. My friend was kinda like that…She made bold statements, proclamations even…She spent more time talking to me than she listened. She never once asked me how I am feeling, or tried to gain clarification on what I was saying…She never stopped validate my feelings…Instead, she was like Job’s friends – REPENT! You obviously did something wrong Job!! She was telling that I needed to love my mother, and be this way towards her, and be willing to bring her to the US in the future…not concern myself with the stress it will put on my marriage etc. She was trying to “fix me.” But instead, she inflamed the situation, and truly did not help, and simply made me feel worse. I appreciate your friendship, but in this situation you were a, “miserable comforter.”

Sometimes what we need is just a sign that someone understands…TRULY understands how I feel. Sometimes we are not looking for answers or solutions to our problems, but just a breath of fresh air…Sometimes we do not need anyone to tell us how we should be or what we need to do in order to be that “good Christian girl.” Sometimes, what we need is the loving arms of an understanding friend letting us know that it will be okay…And to just take your time.

I have truly felt that the sisters in the sisters class have been exactly that. A breath of fresh air and a layer of understanding and empathy that I could have never imagined! Thank you ladies!!