Sunday, July 3, 2011

Being True to Your Relationships

An overwhelming feeling of sadness came upon me today as acknowledged to myself and my husband that I have not been true to my close relationships. Little by little, thing by thing, day by day, I allowed personal hurts to be swept under the rug with one relationship or another. I know it…I am conscious of it…I know it’s not like me to “avoid conflict.” But I am…and I have…

I need to apologize to my friend for not being true…for not being honest…and for allowing my hurts to go unnoticed…Resulting in my sadness today. My friend is none the wiser…She does not know how I feel, or how long I have been feeling this way…She thinks everything is fine! And everything is fine…Well for the most part. There are just one or two or three things that have bothered me…But I have not brought it to her attention and so she does not know…It’s not her fault…because I should have been honest.

But the question of the day is why is Kaara, one of the most outspoken, honest, blunt, and bold persons, hiding from conflict? Because I have changed…I have changed the way I deal with my friends…I have changed that part about me that used to be open and honest…I used to be the type of person who would let you know if you did something to hurt me…I used to be the type of person to face conflict in relationships head on…I used to be that person who believed that one MUST deal with conflict in order to ensure that the relationship progresses…I used to be that person.

But then I lost a friend…A friend who was near and dear to me…A friend who I loved as a sister…A friend who I shared my inner most thoughts with…A friend who I wanted the best for…I lost her friendship…And I lost that friendship because I was being me…I was being honest about how I felt about certain things, because I thought that’s what friends are supposed to do. BUT, she was not being honest with me…And while I thought that we had a mutual relationship based on love and trust, it was not…It was not mutual…It was one-sided, but I didn’t know…because she didn’t tell me…Until 15 years later! This is a firsthand example of how not being true in your relationships can eventually destroy your relationships. Yet, instead of taking this as an opportunity to learn from, and be better…I came out worse…

Unconsciously to me, I adjusted my behavior towards my friends…I stopped being honest, for fear that my honesty would “hurt” them…and they not tell me…I fear that if I say something bothers me, that my friend would not tell me, and then change…Change in the sense of abandon our friendship. I know, I know…that sounds really fatalist right!? But essentially, that is exactly what happened to a friendship I thought was “forever.” It happened with a friendship that I thought could withstand the test of time, because it was built on a common thread. 

But it’s not just that…It’s also that I fear that the things that actually hurt me are true! That I love you more than you love me…That I care for you more than you care for me! That I would give to you more than you would give to me! That I see you as a sister and you just see me as “just another friend.” I fear the truth…I fear that my fears may be real…I am afraid to be honest because I am afraid of what might be the truth. And that truth could be so heart breaking that I don’t want to believe it…And I don’t want to face it.
It’s like, you never want to believe your mother does not love you…Or your husband is cheating on you…You never want to believe those things that might be true…I mean who would!? And so, I know in my heart that I have stopped being honest because I am afraid of losing what I THINK I have…

I am in the phase of “once bitten twice shy.” I have lost one friend who was near and dear to me, and now I am afraid of losing someone else. But is my fear even justified? Can I judge one friend based on the wrong doing of another? NO. I believe that you should not allow other people’s actions to dictate the right that you know to do. 

I started reading this book – How to be an Assertive Christian. I have not gotten very far in the book but the gist of it is that we all need to be assertive Christians because Jesus was assertive. And assertive in this context does not mean that you are someone who says anything, any old way. Being assertive simply means that you are honest in your relationships. That when people see you, they see YOU…They know where you stand at all times. They can trust you because you take the time to be honest. It also means that you have to accept other people’s truths. For instance, you may share with someone that when they didn’t call you back last night you felt hurt…And your friend may respond, “SO!?” Their truth may be that you were not that important to begin with…Why do you feel like you are so important that you should be hurt by that!? Well, that sounds very extreme, but it is someone’s truth. And you have to be willing to accept whatever THEIR truth is…especially when it does not mesh with yours.

Being assertive to me means that I would be honest with my friends…That I would respectfully and lovingly let them know if they did something to hurt me…And I would face the conflict so that I can give our relationship a chance to grow closer and stronger…Because that is the flipside of my fears…Going through and overcoming conflict, allows our relationship to grow, become stronger…It allows us to know each other better, and grow closer in the Lord. I have denied my friendships the ability to grow because of my lack of assertiveness. 

Being assertive also allows my friends to be honest with me…It opens the door of communication by showing a willingness to listen, learn and grow. It let’s others know that you are not going to run away and hide from conflict, you are not going to give up on the relationship because of conflict, but that you would listen to what they say with a spirit of love and acceptance. It allows others feel that their opinions and feelings can be honored and respected by you, and then they would be more likely to be honest with you. So as I try to find the balance of letting others know my truth, I also have to learn to gracefully accept theirs. I am open, and willing to be different.

***My Prayer***

Lord, please help me to be honest with ALL my relationships. Please help me to demonstrate godly assertiveness.  Please help me to overcome my fears and simply trust in You and Your promise. Help me to be a better friend today, than I was yesterday. Help me to accept those truths from others that may be hurtful, or negative. Help me to accept people the way they are without changing who I am. I am Your child, and I want to better reflect you. 

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

1 comment:

  1. Kaara! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts about relationships. This is a challenge for me as well. I feel that I need to find the strength to tell my close friend how I feel about a particular situation and havent had the courage to do it in fear of loosing our friendship. But in order for me to grow I know this is something I will have to do in order to grow. I feel that our firendship is stagnent because Im not being true to myself. I am so thankful that stumbled onto your blog! You are amazing!!!

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