Parenting: A Burden or a Blessing?

Today I worked late and as I was driving home I was silently praying that the kids would already be asleep while wishing that I didn’t feel that way. As I drove home I grew anxious…almost dreading the inevitable…my kids, my WIDE AWAKE kids!! I tried to suppress the impending dread by replacing it with beautiful thoughts of two little people greeting me with BIG HUGS and smiles and love as they normally do. I tried to remind myself that I LOVE them to pieces…I do…I really do…I tried to imagine a peaceful bedtime with no screaming…just stories and sweet lullabies…I imagined a fairy tail, where I am transported to this beautiful land where there is only laughter and happiness, rainbows and sprinkle cookies.

Children are a gift from God. But they can sometimes feel like a burden. They take a lot from us emotionally and have the potential to suck the life force out of us. A few weeks ago Alexis put me to bed…I mean, after 2 hours of tantrums and sheer and utter emotional torture of watching my sweet darling baby go from a baby to a toddler right before my eyes I laid on my bed and cried. I was exhausted…emotionally exhausted. This is parenting.

Birthday Celebrations!

I can’t believe it has been one year Alexis has graced us with her beautiful presence! I find myself holding her ever so tightly not wanting this baby phase to end. To say that she was a good baby is an understatement! Each day I have been blessed to have her smile light up my day. Jared’s dad said she lights up like a 100-watt bulb whenever she sees me! And so she does. I look at her and she smiles…Ohhh, and I don’t want it to end. We are celebrating her today and the rest of this week, culminating with a birthday party on Sunday. I am so excited for her party and thrilled we actually have friends to celebrate with since we have only been in Miami 7 months. Even with that I see God’s blessings as we slowly build our new community.

There have been times I have felt so alone on this journey. Especially since I don’t have my mother to share these special moments with because of her mental illness. I remember sitting at a traffic light in Tallahassee a few days before Alexis was due and tears filled my eyes as I longed to have my mother…a mother… to share this journey with me…Its times like that I felt alone. 

Home Buying 101

About five years ago we purchased our first home. Here’s a little bit of what I wish I knew then BEFORE we purchased our home.

If you know you are not going to stay in a home for at least 5 years DO NOT BUY! I didn’t know this even though I did a lot of research prior to buying. We knew we had about 3 and a half years and thought that once Jared was in his last few months of residency we would just list the house and boom it would sell. WELL, we listed the house for 3 months prior to his graduation and received not one offer. Not even a low ball offer! We found renters at the 99^th hour that paid for our mortgage, property taxes and homeowners insurance. That was a blessing. TODAY our home is back on the market and we are looking for renters. We have no idea if it will be sold or if we will find renters in the next 10 days. Once September 1 reaches we will be footing the bill for everything and wondering if and when we will be relieved from this burden. Research shows that it takes about 5 years for you to break even with your home…NOT make a profit, but break even! Let’s think about this for a moment, if I buy a house for $200K and sell for $200K, why do I need to wait five years just for that to happen? Well let’s look at a breakdown of the expenses we had in just our 3 years of owning a home.

Parenting is Hard Sometimes

Hello blog! I know, it has been a WHILE since I last posted! Shrew!

So the latest, I am 17 weeks pregnant and Jayce is turning two…More like the TERRIBLE two. OMG, I feel like I am loosing my mind sometimes.  Parenting can be so rewarding and yet at the same time so frustrating!! Ugh! It’s also something that really highlights our inadequacies.  I lack so greatly in patience and tolerance sometimes. This is the stage for testing boundaries and being very demanding. His new thing now is saying, “mine! Mine! Mine!” And if you don’t give it to him its meltdown mania! It’s constant battle of redirection and ignoring foolishness. But sometimes it’s hard to ignore…And sometimes, though you understand intellectually what’s happening, emotionally you are on a tight rope!

How to help a family who has lost a child

I came across this blog post and found the suggestions beyond powerful! Sometimes we don't know what to do when people hurt in the most devastating ways. Here are some helpful suggestions…I especially LOVE the coordinated effort to write a letter once a week for a year…Amazing!

http://www.gracecoversme.com/2014/02/in-her-shoes-ministering-to-women-whove.html

Am I an authentic friend?

The past few days I have been in a kinda funk. Maybe more like the past few weeks. I’ve been feeling up and down emotionally…It’s one of those things where I feel disconnected from my friends (because of the distance and lack of communication)…And then two major let downs happened and that had me going back and forth in my mind a lot!

ONE of my major issues with myself has been that I have not been the kind of friend I used to be. I used to be the type of person who was unafraid to say what was on my mind. To inform others the error of their ways. To say kindly or otherwise say what was on my mind. good or bad… I was fearlessly honest. Particularly with those close to me…I was never really this way with everyone, but those nearest to my heart I felt comfortable to say what was on my mind…Even if I knew it would be a difficult conversation.

Today I struggle with that. Today I struggle with being an authentic friend. An authentic person. Consider this: You see your best friend incorrectly install her son’s car seat. You know that if they got in an accident the car seat could go flying out the window. But you struggle with offending her…Because if you say something then maybe assumptions would be made that you think you are better than her…OR maybe she may think you are thinking she is a bad mom. OR maybe you struggle with how much should I have the liberty to say. Or maybe that she simply won’t receive it well.

Life in Tallahassee

Hi Blog! WOW, is this really my first post for 2014!? Goodness gracious, time sure does fly!

I’ve been reflecting on our move to Tallahassee and some of my emotions last year as we planned for that move then vs. now. Here is an excerpt from a blog I wrote last year:

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for most of June…I have cried alone…many, many times…On my way to work…At work…At home…NOW…And I have cried together with my husband…It’s not going to Tallahassee that has me sad…Its moving away from my home in NC…It’s saying goodbye to the friends we have made…It’s going into a land of the unknown…A place that could be a desert…I have moved and had people move from my circle enough times to know that when you move people change…friendships changes…and ultimately you LOOSE a lot of your friends…It’s only natural that relationships would change…Physical presence just adds a lot to a relationship. And many people prioritize relationships with those who are physically in their space, over long distance relationships…And because I know this, I am sad because I feel like I am loosing a significant piece of my life I DO NOT want to loose…I am sad because I have felt many times ALONE in my sadness…

My life is about to change DRASTICALLY! For someone like me who loves being in fellowship with other like minded Christians I am afraid I wont find that where I go…I am afraid that when I get there I’ll be in a state of depression….I am afraid that I will be bored to death…I am afraid that I will be lonely….And really, I am most afraid of loosing the friends I have now…I know God will provide…I know that God will take care of us…and I know that most friendships are really temporary even when they seem permanent. I know people are in your lives for a season…And I know our duty is to help bless others. I KNOW THIS! And yes, even knowing this does not necessarily make me feel better…Because we are loosing something very special…

How to Help a Grieving Person and be a Good Friend

Since I moved to Tallhassee I had to opportunity to attend a grief workshop. It’s been going really well and I wanted to share some of the highlights I was able to learn. Now when it comes to grief it is natural for us to automatically think of death…But grief comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and we ALL have experienced it at some point. Here are some common examples of grief: death, divorce, miscarriage, moving (whether you are moving, or someone close to you is moving), marriage (your marriage or someone close to you is getting married), graduation, children leaving the home (empty nesters) and the list goes on and on). It’s surprising to think that a life event that’s supposed to be happy like marriage or graduation can actually cause someone to grieve. But though it is most likely a joyous occasion, it is a symbol of change that is about to happen. Most times when we graduate, the friends and bonds that we have grown used to is no longer there. And well marriage…that changes everything! We grieve even when its someone who we never had a good relationship with…Because they were never there when we needed them and when they die we grieve because they will NEVER be there when you still need them. Whatever the situation that causes the grief one thing is for certain…we feel sad, we feel an array of emotions, and it’s tough. This post is for the friends or loved ones of the people who are grieving…

Being a New Mom: The Real Deal After One Year

So it's been about a year since I had Jayce and I must say that being a new mom is both a happy and overwhelming experience all at the same time. On one hand you’ve just experienced the miracle of life…And probably the most amazing thing to happen in your life…The love parents feel towards their child is simply indescribable. You could not have convinced me that I would have LOVED being a mommy this much!! I always said I was OKAY with not having ANY kids…But after having Jayce my cup just runs over with the love I feel towards him. All that said, motherhood, and parenthood is no joke…And not for the faint of heart! 

In the beginning you are faced with the battle of sleep depravation. As with everything, some people deal better with that than others. In my case, I was at the bottom of the pits…Sleep depravation was the WORST! People say you get used to sleeping less…LIES! LIES I SAY…ALL LIES! I didn’t get used to it AT all. Thank the Lord I have a wonderful husband who coped so much better than I did…And was super duper helpful! I would have totally lost it had it not been for him. What I want to know is, how on God’s green earth do single parents do this by themselves!!!!??? I could have barely held it together those first few weeks and I HAD HELP!!!

Dealing with Relationships Uncensored! My Sister: Part 2

Hi guys! If you missed the first part to this series, you may find part one HERE. I know some of you are probably asking yourselves, why is she trying so hard for a relationship with someone who clearly is not on the same page!!? Can’t she take a hint!? Yeah, looking back, I am asking myself the same thing. But to answer that question, I tried so hard because she was family, she was my sister, and WE are Christians…And ever since I knew myself, ever since I met her when I was 8 years old, I dreamed of having a sisterly relationship with her…and the rest of the other siblings too. But at that point (Nov, 2011) when we had that one email exchange where I poured my heart and soul out, clearly stating my hopes and dreams for our relationship as sister, I was kinda left hanging…I realized that I had to wake up and smell the coffee. I realized that it was TIME to stop trying and put away childish dreams. So I took her lack of response, refusal to clarify her statements, and refusal to have a conversation as her saying she couldn’t give me what I wanted…She couldn’t promise to be a friend, sister and aunty to my future children, or to have a really strong, close relationship. And while that did hurt, accepting it was rather freeing…

Dealing with Relationships Uncensored! My Sister

I have been inspired to write a series of posts that will take us through my past, present and future dealings with relationships. I’ll talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly…and really, why are relationships just so hard!!? My first post will resurrect an email I sent to my sister about two years ago.  But before I do, I must share some family history.

I don’t even know how to begin writing about the history of my family without writing a dissertation! But here is the short version… Many years before I was born, my father had several kids who subsequently moved to the US sometime in the late 70s…Out of an adulterous relationship, I was born…which will set the tone for the future relationships with my siblings.

I spent the first 22 years of my life in Trinidad and grew up as an “only child.” While I didn’t grow up with my father’s children, I always knew of them and for as long as I can remembered desired very much to have a relationship with them!  I made several trips to the US during my childhood and was able to meet them…And that served to fuel my desire to be “with them.” In other words, I not only wanted to be physically in the US, I wanted to be part of the family…Share traditions, celebrate milestones etc.

Letter to My Sister

Written on 11/3/11 to one of my sisters...

Hi lady,

 

Long time no hear! How are you doing?? How is work treating you? What are your plans for the holidays?

 

We will be visiting NY for a weekend (Nov 18) and cooking something special for mom's birthday. And for xmas we will be in Jamaica with Jared's folks.

 

Have you ever heard of NAMI - National Alliance for Mental Illness? Well they are a nonprofit group to help support anyone with or families with a loved one with mental illness. So when I taught the ladies class earlier this year on various mental health topics...they came up as a resource (support group)...And I said that I should take this for myself! They had a class called - Family to Family for family members with a family member who has a mental illness. The class goes for 12 weeks and functions as a sort of educational support group. It has been such an amazing experience. Never before was I able to sit in an environment with other people like me...who understood what it is like, or was like...The first class was just emotionally overwhelming because I saw another girl who's mother had schizophrenia...I had never even spoken to someone like that before. And just for that alone I was thankful...We just finished week 9...so we have 3 more weeks to go. When I was talking to the other girl in a similar situation like me, we realized that though we were in two different countries we had similar feelings, emotions, and experiences. One of the things she said was that she often wished that she was in a "normal family" and her goal was to "get out of the house" and never be found in a situation like that. It was like WOW - me too! Since I was 13, my whole being was about getting out...One of the things the teacher said to us was that our experiences attracted us to stable and sound men...And I thought that was very interesting...In light of my family upbringing and how unsettling it was at times, my end goal was to always just be happy and be normal...And I really feel like I have that now.

 

One of the things that made me think about as well, was that when I was growing up in Trinidad I had always envisioned being a part of your family...That was part of the happy "normal" family picture I had painted for myself. To me, normal families talked to each other and tried to spend time together, and supported each other in major milestones of their life etc. So I always had it in my mind, that that is how it will be when I get to the US...

 

So when I first got here, I really made a pointed effort to stay in touch, communicate regularly, send regular emails etc. But I slowly started getting discouraged because it was not reciprocated the way I had imagined. And it often made me feel unloved...I don't think anyone was INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me...it was just that I had high hopes and expectations that were not met because basically, "that's not how we roll." We can go months, even years without talking, and everyone thinks that's normal...Whereas, I dont think that is normal...I think that is SAD!

 

And I wanted to let you know that my desire for us was to foster a closer relationship as sisters...not distant, pumpkin-vine relatives...I want to have that sister-sister relationship that I always dreamed about when I was a little girl...I want to invite you into my heart, so you can get to know me...know my highs and lows and be one of the cheer leaders in my life...And I want to be the same for you.

 

I do not like that we do not speak regularly. I know that we are all busy...But I also believe that people  make time for the things that are important to them. AND I think my family is important...Important enough for me to call and email regularly and stay connected with what's going in in their life...

 

I want to know that if or when Jared and I have kids, that you will be there...And they won't be like me with no aunties, uncles, cousins or grandparents! But they would have a loving extended family who embraces them. I want us to be connected more than we are now.

 

I know that most if not everyone is really not bothered by the lack of communication because that has been our style from ever since...But I would like us to try to be different...And to make a concerted effort. If we can spend time with people in church building relationships...and encouraging each other spiritually, then why cant we do it for each other.

 

It saddens me that we don't talk often, and I wish for that to change. That is why I am expressing my thoughts now. I have always felt this way and I realized that I never truly communicated what I desired...I tried a couple years ago, but I dont think I was clear. So I am doing it now and being as transparent as possible. When you lived in PA, I felt that we were closer than we are now. I remember we talked often, emailed regularly, and you visited me at one of my internships and I visited you...We traveled together to CA etc. I miss that...

 

I hope you receive this in love, the way it was intended and written.

K

HER RESPONSE:

Hi,
things r going well thanks
I just wanted to respond some with my perception things:
When there r a lot of expectations and they're not being met the way one wants, it can lead to others feeling judged and criticized which leads to hurt & defenses going up; then it becomes a cycle of hurt both ways.
Someone told me that hurt people hurt other people. We all are who we are - good and bad and we all have our own issues to deal with and we're not always there to meet others expectations whether that's right or wrong at the time. We all need to feel loved and appreciated wherever we we are at. No one wants to go through life feeling stressed whether from feeling rejected, criticized etc. In the end all we can do is appreciate the blessings we do have, know our limits and boundaries in relationships and where we can get our support and hope for growth in ourselves and others where needed. We all need healing. But that is what I want to share for now, hope it was understandable and received well,

***

I wrote back to say that I was a bit unclear by the response and asked a few questions to clarify and asked if we could talk (once again)...But alas, a response was never received and that was my queue to move on. 

Relationship Series – Getting Real About Dealing With People

I often say, “people and strange…and do strange things!” And I just don’t understand why. More recently, I have been thinking about my various relationships, the difficulties I have experienced within those relationships, and the sometimes failed end results. In the next few posts I’m going to talk about MY relationship experiences, my challenges, hopes and fears…I think about my son, and what I want to teach him, through my example, about how to build authentic relationships. Too many times we are not authentic in our relationships and really end up being very disingenuous….knowingly or unknowingly. I would like to give folks the benefit of the doubt that we unknowingly hurt others, we unknowingly stomp on people’s feelings, we unknowingly ignore the pain because of our own inner conflict. But sometimes when we DO know (maybe because the person told us), we deny, point the blame back on the person or even blame someone else…It’s so hard for us to accept that we hurt someone, especially when that was not our intention.

Just Because…I Love You

Written February 14, 2013

I read this devotion today and thought I would share it with you girls. Today is Valentine's day and it's soooooo easy to let it fall by the way side as just another day. We ain't got time for dat. Too much going on etc. etc. But see today as an opportunity to show your man how much he means to you. Even if it is a simple letter, text, email, or more. I know I have used the "I am just too busy excuse" not just on "special days" but on MANY days. Most times I am just tooooo tired to even lift my hand much less anything else. Ha! This devo reminded me of the simple things I would like to call "sparks" that we can do regularly...to keep the connection there. While we ladies appreciate kind gestures on an emotional level, I have to constantly remind myself about the physical gestures my husband desires. And my prayer is that you pray that I find a way to restore the "spark" within me and find the energy to do the simple things I know my husband would appreciate. After last week's trip to FL with Jayce and the stress Jayce put on us...(he was 100 times more fussy, crying etc than he had ever been in his life) we determined that we NEED to have at least one night a month (away) so we could focus on just us. So this Friday marks the beginning on that. We are going to leave Jayce home with Maxime and Jared and I will spend the night in a hotel! Thus allowing us to focus on each other and getting some sleep!!! Please feel free to share your thoughts. But pray for me as I seek to be simply desirous of rekindling the spark of physical intimacy. *sigh*

http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/just-because-1-2013-02/

Happy New Year…OR not so HAPPY and not so NEW year

So it has been “donkey-city” years since I last updated my blog! I have had so much on my heart and mind but have not made it over here to share, vent or cry!!

So I must confess…I am a bit overwhelmed right now. You ever felt blah but didn’t know why? Or just felt sad out of seemingly nowhere…and all of a sudden!? I’m feeling that way now…

Apart from life (work, baby, sleep deprivation, baby, husband, life, visa expiring, work, job hunting, greencard application, life, selling house, moving,…etc) I think my feelings came when I looked for encouragement from the wrong place/person. Have you ever tried to encourage someone to do something simply because you really want to do it? For instance, think about studying your bible more, being more healthy, anything…Have you ever said to your best friend, family, or significant other, “Hey! I think it would be a great idea if we did such and such…” Hoping that they would respond with your same enthusiasm. When I do that…I am looking for encouragement to implement my idea…Except, I don’t want to do it alone…I don’t want to grow spiritually alone…I don’t want to exercise alone…I don’t want to be the only one trying to eat healthy…I don’t want to cry alone…I don’t want to suffer alone…etc. etc.

Mi Familia and my Pregnancy

Mi Familia

A few people have asked me if my mother is going to come up after the baby is born. I politely said no, but smiled and said my in-laws are coming for 3 weeks! If it’s one thing I can thank God for is for an amazing mother and father-in-law. They give me everything I ever desired in my own family and more. Their love means more to me than I can ever express…and I will forever be ever thankful for them.

I can’t even write this post without crying…*reaches for towel* 

I Need A Heat That Forgives

Yesterday I started to feel sad and thoughts and emotions came back in a flood. But I had to go to work…and right after work I had “ladies night.” So I didn’t have time to process until 12am when I got a chance to talk to my husband.

Tears, tears and more tears just flowed as I told him how sad I was feeling…Sad and angry with my friend who abandoned our friendship almost 3 years ago…And sad that I am perceived as this big bad wolf that people cannot talk to…To the extent where they make it wrong for me to be me. Sad that I feel misunderstood…Sad that my other friend does not really understand how I feel…JUST SAD! I didn’t know how to process these emotions…Particularly my ill feelings towards my friend.

Communication…The Lifeline of any Relationship

These feelings are raging up inside of me! I thought I had put it behind me…I thought I was not bothered by it anymore…I thought I was good…Until today…When feelings of hurt, sadness and anger, created a fury of raging emotions that has me in a bad place. Have you ever felt ill towards a “good” person but in your mind they were a bad person because of what they did to you? Have you ever felt that all the good times that was shared, the fun memories, and closeness of the relationship was trampled, scared and tainted because of what someone else did to you?

Have you ever felt so hurt and betrayed by someone that the pain feels like someone just died? Have you ever given up hope? Given up on that person? Given up on that love because of how you feel?

Recipe 4

http://www.skinnytaste.com/2010/02/spinach-lasagna-rolls.html

OK, I have to get back on my healthy recipe find! Next up, I have decided to try this lasagna roll that I actually had the pleasure of eating at one of my friend's house. It looks simple enough and its a vege dish! Something I have been trying to eat more of!

Happily After Giving Birth - 10 things they don't tell you

Please forgive the language...But this is a MUST read for those of us yet to have a baby!!!

http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/9/23/happily-after-giving-birth-10-things-they-dont-tell-you.html?fwcc=1&fwcl=1&fwl