Hi guys! If you missed the first part to this series, you
may find part one HERE.
I know some of you are probably asking yourselves, why is she trying so hard
for a relationship with someone who clearly is not on the same page!!? Can’t
she take a hint!? Yeah, looking back, I am asking myself the same thing. But to
answer that question, I tried so hard because she was family, she was my
sister, and WE are Christians…And ever since I knew myself, ever since I met
her when I was 8 years old, I dreamed of having a sisterly relationship with
her…and the rest of the other siblings too. But at that point (Nov, 2011) when
we had that one email exchange where I poured my heart and soul out, clearly
stating my hopes and dreams for our relationship as sister, I was kinda left
hanging…I realized that I had to wake up and smell the coffee. I realized that
it was TIME to stop trying and put away childish dreams. So I took her lack of
response, refusal to clarify her statements, and refusal to have a conversation
as her saying she couldn’t give me what I wanted…She couldn’t promise to be a
friend, sister and aunty to my future children, or to have a really strong,
close relationship. And while that did hurt, accepting it was rather freeing…
NOW, while I experienced this great epiphany of “letting go”
I have realized (most recently) that the manner in which I let go was not good.
You see, when my sister responded vaguely to the email I poured my heart and
soul out, and didn’t seek to clarify when I asked, I just “stopped.” Since she
seemed not to want much of a relationship with me, I stopped emailing…I stopped
dropping the, “how are you doing?” emails…And essentially I stopped loving. But
how can you love someone, who is not present? Who doesn’t want to talk? And who
many not want a relationship with you? Hmmm, maybe we should ask Jesus about
that? How did He love the people who wrongly convicted Him? How did He love His
disciples when they were not there for Him in His darkest moments on earth
(Matt 26:36-46)? HOW? By still being you…By still allowing Jesus to shine
through.
If I have to change me…and the way I demonstrate love to
you, because of what you are not giving me, then something is wrong…*GASP*
Kaara, please you cant expect us to go around loving everyone like that…God
certainly does not expect us to have a close relationship with
everyone…True…But here’s what I did…Because I believed that she did not want to
have a relationship with me, I withheld myself from her. For example, she sent
a general merry Christmas greeting to everyone…I didn’t respond –
INTENTIONALLY. One week later, I send a happy new year response and a request
for phone numbers (because my phone was stolen) and I get no response from her.
Which helped to prove my point that she didn’t care. When I sent our pregnancy
announcements, I didn’t send it her…I did however send it to my oldest sister,
who shared it with everyone else…I knew this because one of my other sisters
randomly emailed me to say congrats. Yet, this sister in question never said
anything, though she knew. When Jayce was born I decided to send the email
announcement to everyone…To which she did respond with a simple congrats. In my
mind, I was purposefully withholding myself…
So finally, last week I emailed her to ask if there is “bad
blood” between us. And that the Bible does call us to deal with situations if
we know that someone has ought against us or if we have ought against someone.
Her response was most positive…She said that she doesn’t have any bad blood,
and that she is happy for us with the new baby, joy opportunities and move and
that she wishes us the best and is praying for me. At first, I thought her
response was QUITE disingenuous. Because my first thought, and question to her
was, okay then…If there is no bad blood, why haven’t you called/emailed or
communicated with me in the past two years?…What about that email I sent way
back when? Do you remember it? Would you be willing to talk? Guess, what the
response what? THERE WAS NONE! Surprise, surprise…
But I finally had an ah-ha moment…yet another epiphany if
you may. If I take her word for it…IF I believe what she says, then I will also
see that she is at peace with the way things are with us. She is okay because
she was never the one trying to seek a super close relationship with me…IT had
always been me…So while I may have taken the lack of communication
personally…While I may have taken her lack of willingness to speak with me on
the phone about MY issues with her personally…While I may have missed having her
in my life and feeling hurt by that…Those were not HER issues. And I don’t have
a right to transcend my issues onto her. I also don’t have the right to judge her
heart, because I don’t know her heart. Perhaps I was the one with “bad blood”
due to our lack of relationship. Perhaps I was the one thinking about how “bad”
they are since they never once picked up the phone to call me when I was
pregnant or since Jayce was born. Perhaps I was the one and ONLY one who has
any negative feelings with the nature of our relationship or lack thereof…You
know what…I think that may very well be true!
A couple years ago, I wrote a blog post
about my family detailing the history with my siblings and my childhood dreams
of having a relationship with them. I talked about letting go of that dream and
setting myself free…Because honestly, I would often end up hurt, sad, and in
tears, unbeknownst to them. They had no idea how I felt or what I desired from
them. But it was around that time, I had to stop looking for them to love me in
that special sisterly way…And once I did, things were better…FOR ME. I stopped
looking for them to “be there.” So when they were not present during my
pregnancy or birth of my child, I was okay…As a matter of fact, their absence,
made me so much more grateful for the blessings of friends! And the people God
strategically placed in my life…But ever so often I find myself thinking about
them…And I wonder if the distance that I allowed by not calling, emailing, or
seeking a relationship was the right thing to do? I think it was.
When I wrote the post I referenced above, one of my
sisters responded very negatively to it. She essentially said that I have a lot
of issues, resentment and bitterness inside of me and that I need help. She
also said,
“You have a very
selected memory my dear- and if you think we sit around scheming up ways to
make your life miserable – let me help you out. Life is happening, people are
busy, we go through enough drama and heartbreak and worry of our own to invent
ways to torture you.”
It was clear that she really didn’t understand where I was
coming from…And I did my best in subsequent emails to explain my heart…I don’t
know if she got it but here is what I learnt through all these experiences. IT
was MY dream as a child to connect with them…It was MY dream as an adult to
seek a close relationship with them…It was ALL ME. And if you think about it,
it’s truly unfair for me to then expect them to share in that dream when it was
never their dream! While I was thinking about them in Trinidad, they barely
even knew of my existence! Their mother came to the U.S. in the 70’s and worked
literally night and day to support five children by herself. She put every one
of them through private school in NY and did her best to set them up for
success…Meanwhile, our father was in Trinidad…with me…supporting me and taking
ME to school…He was not even there when they needed him the MOST. Who am I to
now demand of them a close relationship??
But granted, they did give me a relationship…It may not have
been the kind of relationship I dreamed about…but they did open their
hearts…Because you HAVE to open you heart to sit at the dinner table to with
the “outside” child and be okay. You have to have a loving spirit to take me
into your home, allow me to sleep in your bed and share part of your life with
me…You have to have the love of God in you to give me your clothes from your
closet…and share food from your table…And even to write congrats when my baby
is born…Again, it may not be the way I would like to see it, but I can no
longer deny it. People love the best they know how…People express their love
the way they learnt…And people will feel hurt when you claim you are “unloved”
when they had to move a mountain in their heart just to say hi! They are not
trying to hurt me...They are just doing the best they can with what they
have…And I just have to accept that…and even APPRECIATE it.
With my sister…I did my due diligence to let her know how I
felt and what I desired…it was then up to her to respond. When someone offends
us, it is our responsibility to let them know…Not hold it inside with pent up
feelings! Our goal is to obtain a resolution, but know that is not always
possible…And in the absence of a resolution you have to keep loving…She has
made her choice and I now have to accept it and respect it. But when someone
does not respond the way we want them to, we have to be careful not to respond
negatively and say, “well fine then…keep your love…I’ll take my love
elsewhere!” *pouts*
Everyone has pumpkin vine relatives…People they don’t have a
particularly close relationships with for no particular reason…I have relatives
like that…My father’s first born son for example…I don’t have a relationship
with him because I don’t really know him…all I know is that his name is David,
he’s married and has two girls around my age whose names I don’t know. They
used to visit when I was really little…Obviously David is much older than
me…But daddy never made it a point for us to know each other…OR even for me to
know my nieces or spend time with them…As a result of that, we don’t know each
other…I am sure I can call David up now and have dinner with him when I go to
Trinidad and there will be no ill feelings…But I never thought about doing that
because David was never on my radar. And I never dreamed about having a
relationship with him and his family…But thinking about it now…that wouldn’t be
half bad…Hmmmm….:) I think I have found a new project!!
But it’s the same way with my sisters and me…Wouldn’t it be
strange if I find out David felt hurt that I didn’t invite him to my wedding?
Or that I didn’t tell him about our son? Wouldn’t that be really weird too? But
what if David was like me, dreaming about fostering a relationship unbeknownst
to me. And my lack of actions hurt him. It would certainly be unintentional on
my part…And I believe the same may be true for my sisters…I wasn’t even on the radar
when I showed up…And then out of the blue, 2003 I move to the US and suddenly I
am there for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and visiting and emailing and calling…They
think, oh she’s so nice and friendly…And I think, oh my long lost sisters!! We
all are operating from two different point of views and have two different
expectations…None of which had been communicated and all of which was assumed.
So here is my two-cents…Don’t close the door on
relationships…That is not of God to cut people off or sever ties. Remember that
person has a soul, and you have a responsibility to help them get to heaven…You
are free to change the nature of any relationship if that is appropriate…You
are free to establish boundaries in your relationship and inform them of those
boundaries…BUT never do something out of hurt…Your actions should always be
from a place of love…And THAT is easier said than done…Lord have mercy!! I am
still working on HOW to do that. Forgive, but still love…And allow the light of
Christ to shine in me through my actions…I think when I tried to distance
myself, and let go of the need to be a special part of their family I may have
closed the door in my heart…To protect myself from future hurt…And I am now
trying to figure out how to protect my heart, have boundaries, but still have
love with every action, and reaction I demonstrate. This is a work in progress!
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