Family…My beginnings...

My husband recently told me that God gave us family to make us grow closer to Him. Ever since I could remember myself, I have often wondered why I was born into the family I was in…I think my mother was the caretaker for my father’s children until they migrated to the U.S. Shorty after they migrated, I was born and my mother continued to live there until recently. My father maintained a visiting relationship with my step mother. I thought that they (my mother and father) were not together because they slept in separate rooms. I never realized how dysfunctional my family was until I was older...

Growing up, I always knew I had a step mother and 4 sisters and one brother (on my father’s side). I never grew up with them and met them for the first time when I was 8 years old. My father also had a son, David, whom I never had any relationship with. I always wondered what it would be like to know them…to live with them…to have sisters and brothers to hang out with…I longed for the day…

My days growing up in Trinidad were mixed. I had a happy childhood until I realized that my perfect world was not so perfect. When I was 7 my mother took me and walked about 2 hours to her sister’s house. I did not realize what was going on then…I remember her holding on to her sister’s door, crying…not wanting to leave. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. She was placed on the mental health ward. Ever since then my father told me that my mother was “sick” but I was not sure what that really meant.

A couple years later my mother ended up in the hospital again. I think that whenever she and my father had a fight she would try to run away. I am really not sure of the type of relationship they had…But I know that she was not free to see other people…I remember my father hitting her because she went somewhere without telling him. That was heartbreaking to see as a child…Your dad hitting your mom…crazy.

As I grew older, my relationship with my mom grew tumultuous. We argued often…I could never understand why she would leave stuff all over the place…At times I felt that I was the adult and she was the child. Ugh! By age 12 I could make a household budget and I knew how to pay all the bills. At 13 my dad went to the U.S. for 6 months. That was a turning point in my life. I was so upset. I could not believe he would leave me alone with this “crazy lady.” I cried every night for a month! I had to manage the house, pay all the bills, make groceries, go to the bank, take myself to school etc. etc.

My mother and I argued often…Over trivial stuff…why she left the place dirty, which channel to watch etc…She told me she hated me and that I was not her child. She cursed me…F YOU! MUDDA this and dat…We often scuffled and she was scrape my hands with her nails. I pushed back. One day I could not take it anymore…I thought I was about to explode! I needed help! I needed someone! I just got up and walked 30 minutes to the police station…I told them that my mother was crazy and I needed help…I didn’t know what to do…They said that they could not do anything…I even went to my primary school teacher…But she could not help either….For years I felt guilty for going to the police and bring shame to my family…

It was around that time that I probably felt that I had reached rock bottom…I honestly wished I were dead. I wished I was never born…I wished that the earth would just open up and take me out of my misery. I hated my life soooo much! I contemplated death…

I reached out to my godmother and my step mother and begged them to help me. I begged them to help me get to the U.S. so I could escape my reality. My godmother encouraged me and told me that it’s just for a time…and one day I will grow up and be able to chose my own path…She told me that she had a rough childhood too…and how she was now able to live a happy life…My step mother told me that she didn’t have any money to bring me to the states…I told her I could work and pay my way! Anything! Back then, that is not what I wanted to hear. I felt rejected…No one wanted me…A few years ago my step mother told me that she felt so sorry for me…She really grieved in her heart for me :(

I reached out to a long time family friend…the Clarks. They lived right around the corner and I found myself going to their home every weekend…We never talked about my life but it was a break from my reality….I was able to go to church with them…Every Sunday we went to Princess Town church of Christ. It was there that my relationship with God grew…I was able to find peace with my life…I was able to breathe, and live, and grow…I had visited their church before…I had visited a lot of denominations but I felt most at home there.

When I was 14 I decided to step out on my own and go to San-Fernando church of Christ…I attended their VBS that summer because I wanted to grow closer to God…I wanted more…I wanted HIM…It was amazing how my mind transformed as I grew in my walk with God. I went from dreading life to being able to cope with the very situation that made me wish I was dead. God is truly amazing!!

AS I write this it brings tears to my eyes…

So yes, God does use our family to help us draw closer to Him. To help us realize that all roads lead to Him…

Thanks you Jesus, for leading me to your church! Thank you for showing me that you can provide comfort in a time of storm. Please help me never to forget where you brought me from. Help me to always put my trust in you and look to you for my source of comfort. Please use me to bold show others what you have done for me!