Trinidad – My Friends & Mother

“How was your day?” the nurse asked. “It was good,” she said, “could have been longer.”
Right before I left NC, I was talking to a friend about my upcoming trip to Trinidad…I was telling her about how I was planning to make this trip different…in a better way…

I developed a routine of sorts every time I come to Trinidad. There are about 5 people I usually make it my business to connect with. (Separate and apart from family). Before coming, I would usually send an email letting them know when I would be coming/leaving and express and interest to connect with them. And for the most part I am able to connect with them. I started noticing however, that the longer I am away in the U.S. the more distant some of my friendships have grown. So while I am hyped to meet up with these friends, I have started to sense that they are a little less than enthused to see me. While I would move mountains to see them, I don’t really get that same sense from them…So my crazy friend told me to let them go and make some new friends.

Last year a similar situation happened when I tried to connect with a friend from Trinidad who lived in another state. I was visiting that state and as in normal Kaara fashion, I emailed her prior to my arrival asking if we could link up. At first she said that she “should be available,” and when the time gets closer, we will confirm. Well, before I got there, I emailed her…no response…I called her twice and left voice messages, no response…then I texted her and asked her if she got my messages and she responded that she did and told me to “have a nice trip.” A little taken aback by the response I reminded her that I was in town and wanted to connect…since she never responded to my messages, I asked her if she missed that part. She in turn responded, “Did you miss the part where I said I was under pressure?” WOW. I must say I was a bit disappointed by that…I mean I had even left in my message asking her about bible class and what time they have it, if they go etc to see if we could link up then…In my mind I was like seriously? You are soooooooooooo busy, I cannot come by for 10 minutes?? Seriously? I then later find out that she spends Saturday evening with her family who are also mutual friends and who happen to share the same faith…Again, in my mind I thought that she could have invited me to drop by…But here I was…willing to go out of my way during my vacation time to see you…while you could care less! This is basically what I have to contend with my Trini friends.

And so it’s hard. I am such a relational person that it’s hard for me to let go of relationships that I have cherished for so long. While at the same time it’s easy for me to get hurt by those simple instances I mentioned above. So what should I do? According to my crazy friend I should stop running after the people who are not able to demonstrate love and focus on those around me who do. And I agree. I have been hesitant to let these friends go because I feel if I lose them I will lose my connection to Trinidad and in turn feel disconnected…But in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay. Cause I am connected elsewhere…

So in usual Kaara fashion, I emailed 4 friends…Heard from 3 and confirmed with one…and I am totally okay with that. This time, I am not going to try to move mountains to see anyone unless they are willing to do the same for me. Sorry guys. As another one of my friends said, “why should I make you a priority in my life, when I am optional in your life?” So my focus this time is to just look around and observe…Think about these relationships, and determine which of these relationships are worth keeping based on the other person’s value for our friendship. At the same time, I am going to try to connect more with those who are more willing to connect with me…And even open my heart to those who I may have never connected with before.

In my last post I talked about how last year was the year for letting go…which is no easy task for me. But part of letting go also involves starting something new…Fostering closer relationships with friends you have and opening your heart to make new friends. I only have a week so we will see how that goes!

As I talk about opening my heart to start something new, I have to talk about my mother. A sore spot for me and not something I like to talk about much. I was telling my friend that since I was not going to place as much emphasis on my friends that I was planning to focus more on my mother…and take her out and try to spend time with her…BUT I told her, I don’t really feel the same way that other people feel about their mothers…You know, I don’t have that “lovey-dovey” feeling that a lot of people have for their mothers. And she said to me, “that’s okay”…Don’t force yourself to feel that way if it’s not natural because then it would never be real…That was the first time someone ever told me that it was okay to basically feel the way I felt…(thank you!) She went on to say that I have a lot of bad memories about my mother and my younger life with her…So what I need to do is create new memories that are good memories and fun memories. Honestly, that is a hard concept to imagine but I was willing to try…And I was willing to try because I wanted to make this trip purposeful…And challenge myself beyond my comfort zone. And with that I set out to engage with my mother in a way I had not done in years…I mean probably more than 18 years!

My memory is still haunted by the recent scenes of when we had to take her out of the house by force and carry her to the mental health hospital…the prison like atmosphere made my heart sink when I thought about it…And the mental and emotional anguish anyone would feel being there…I am saddened by our system…our third world system…I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that was the best thing for her…But the process was gut wrenching…Since her release from the hospital we found an elderly home for her to stay in. She describes it as being in a place with only old people, caged in like an animal because you can’t go anywhere. Granted she never went anywhere when she lived alone but when you KNOW you can’t leave it really does make you feel trapped…And so I feel kinda bad that yet again, in my little third-world county, we really do not have the facilities that is most appropriate for her…I hate that we cannot do better…I feel guilt I cannot do better.

During the early months when she was placed in the home I attempted to call her every week. I went from not calling at all to regular calls…But the calls started to weigh on me, and I viewed it as my token responsibility and not something that I WANTED to do. As a matter of fact I started to dread every time I called her…It was a doom and gloom conversation that always went the same way…She complained about the home, had nothing much to say, silence, and goodbye. When I came to Trinidad in July of last year, I took my in-laws with me to visit her…and I sat in silence as I forced myself to make conversation with her…It was uncomfortable…not because my in-laws were there, but simply because I just don’t know what to say or what to do…Our relationship feels so unnatural…It does NOT feel like a mother-daughter relationship…It feels stressed and strained…And I quickly want to get out of there!

So, I went from calling every week, to once every couple weeks to once a month. The first time there was a one month gap between calls, our conversation lasted 12 minutes instead of the usual 3-4 minutes! Though short, that was really a long conversation for us…What made it even better was that she DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING…I mean she was able to have a conversation without complaining about the home she was staying in and about how she wanted to leave the place! I was so shocked I sat in my chair almost elated! I was happy. The next month, the same thing happened! Maybe it was not just by chance, maybe this was real change on the horizon…But I still had my guard up each time I called waiting to hear her complain…But up now, I have not heard her complain, and it has made our conversations more than just bearable. Even the director of the home has mentioned that she is more settled, and talking more with the folks there…

I had no faith that the medications would work…She had been sick for soooo long and lived without medication for way to long that I feared that her brain was just hard wired. My husband told me that there is no telling with schizophrenia. Sometimes the meds work other times it does not. Each patient is different and you will never know…

Maybe the medication is working? Maybe prayer is working? Something I don’t rely on nearly enough! I hope someone is praying for me and praying for her!

My mother has often felt like a burden to me…Since I was little and had to care for her by managing the household bills when I was 13…and making groceries…and cleaning…even organizing myself for school by getting my own books and uniform, making sure I stayed on the straight and narrow by taking MYSELF to church with the neighbors…and just trying to be responsible at 13!! It was a burden…And I think I am okay with acknowledging that its kinda crazy for a 13 year old to be given that heavy load to carry. That was not fair to me!!! And so that burden I have carried unwillingly ever since I can remember, I could never seem to let go. Coupled with the fact that I am carrying a burden for someone that I don’t “feel” I love…In the sense that though I may go through the motions of “trying to do the right thing,” I have never felt that I was doing it because “I loved her” as opposed to, “it was my responsibility…my lot in life.”

So as I work on letting go of the dead weight in my life…I am simultaneously working on establishing relationships or strengthening relationships that do matter…My mother being top priority….

The number one thing that will make this trip different than any other trip before is that I am going to open my heart to my mother, and allow myself to start something new with her…I am going to allow myself to learn how to love her…and be with her…and not see her as a burden but as a person…and person, who like me, needs love, acceptance, affection, attention, and grace.

And so the day after I landed, I journeyed to P’town where she stayed and took about 50 million taxis to get to the mall. She was so happy to see me, and finally get out of the house…She had been at the home for 14 months and never left except once a month for her clinic appointments. She was pleasant, and even engaging. We went to the shoe store and tried on shoes…and she even found a really cute pair of shoes! Then we had lunch at the food court, and she had ice-cream afterwards…then we went and got our toes done!! I mean I can honestly say that this was the most engaged I have been with her in YEARS…I cannot even remember the last time I was able to just hang out with her…and really, have a good time…without feeling like it was a burden to bear. I even took some pictures…I never take pictures of her because she never allowed it…and after a while I didn’t care to. Who wants pictures of bad memories anyway?

Thank you my friend for encouraging me to create new memories…That was the best piece of advice I have ever gotten regarding my relationship with my mother! And thank you for telling me that it’s okay to feel the way I feel…Another burden has been lifted off my heart.

“How was your day?” the nurse asked. “It was good,” she said, “could have been longer.”