Well, my trip started off to a bad start since I was struck in Miami airport for 9 hours!!! All because of “air traffic” when we landed that kept us on the runway for 30 minutes!! With 5 minutes to spare, I ran to the counter to be greeted by an unsympathetic flight worker. “Door just closed one minute ago,” he said, as he continued to type on his computer. “Is that the plane?” I asked. “Yes, but once the door is closed its closed and we can't open it.” He went on to say that they waited 5 minutes but that was all they allowed them to wait because they didn't know if I was coming. Ohhhhhhhh, I was so mad. When airlines run late they could care less about you. The 30 minutes we strolled around on the runway, they didn't offer any explanation!! That's what gets me. Not one word. And of course these people have access to my flight info and know I would miss my flight. They could have called them and asked them to wait 5 more minutes! I don't know if I ever had a flight that left exactly on time. (An international flight that is). Steups, hell, the flight they rebooked me in was 20 or 25 minutes late! Again, no explanation!! Hmmmm, so they couldn't be 20 minutes late this morning!!! I know, I know, I just need to let this go! Well the one good thing is that I met a girl from Dominica who fell into the stress as me. So that was nice to have someone to chat with for a while. Then I did some work for work so I could reclaim my flex time at work. I think the most frustrating part for me is that I had made plans to hang out at the young adults class tonight for the first time ever! And I was really looking forward to it since every time I come to Trinidad I was never lucky enough to catch it. What a bummer.
I had said to myself that this trip would be different. Because I am different. So much has changed within me over the past year. Heck, over the past few months. One of the biggest change that is taking place within me right now is learning to let go. Learning to let go of people, friends, and family. Learning to even let go of past hurts and pain.
Over the past year I totally let go of one friend. This dude had stood me up about a year ago when I was in Trinidad and said he could not tell me why. Well you know what, I put my foot down because I felt that I deserved better than his lousy apology. And since then things have not been the same. But you know what, I am okay with that. Because even though I loved him dearly, I have to accept the fact that people change, they have the right to change, and that change can even mean leaving me behind. It happens every day to married people who the fell in love and then look around twice and realize their spouse is totally different. That is why you have to pray that you will always grow together in the Lord. And when you change, you change for the better. That is my eternal pray for my husband and I. That neither of us would grow out of each other, but that we would grow together, not leaving the other behind. At the same time, I cannot and will not take for granted that it can happen…even to us…
My next change came when I started letting go of my sisters. From ever since I was a little girl, I wanted and craved that sister-sister relationship. I have finally accepted that even though I chose them they don't have to choose me. I am the outside child (according to one friend) and no matter what I do, I will always be the outside child...come on now...don't get me wrong, letting go is not easy but I have started and I have come such a long with that!
Through another incident with another friend, I learnt that I was holding on to the idea of what was and not what is. When you are friends with someone for a long time it’s easy to hold on to that friendship for dear life because of what you used to have or what you thought you had. And that was a hard lesson to swallow. I was holding on to an idea not something real. Because if it were real it would be real for both of us not just me. I learnt that the way I felt about her was not the same way she felt about me. I learnt that even when you share your heart with the most trusted person it can still be broken. I learnt that we give too much power to people...the power to allow their actions to cause immense pain. For the longest while I wanted to know why she abandoned our friendship and from the moment I found out it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. But why did I need her confirmation that she didn't love me the way I thought in order to "set me free?" That should not be. It was as if I kept myself back just waiting and hoping. Sometimes we are going to find ourselves in situations where we will just not understand why...Why did he cheat on me? Why did he abandon his child? Why did he kill himself? Or why did she have to die!!? No matter how hard we try we may never get the answer to these whys...but we have to figure out a way to let go completely and not allow this to hold us back emotionally…I am learning slowly…
So last year has truly been the year for letting go. But when you let go of these things you have to replace it with new and positive things. It might mean making new friends or forming closer relationships with the ones you have already. It might mean that you focus on what you do have and not what you don't. It might mean seeking God first knowing that every experience you have is one to make you love Him more.
When I left Trinidad for school in 2003, I became so patriotic. I hung flags in my room, had my car dressed with my national colors...and would just be proud to be a Trini. When we leave home we become so patriotic we learn to have a greater appreciation for what we have...the food, the culture, the music, the people...especially the people...You just love up on your country extra hard. You say things like "I am a Trini to de bone," you start collecting local music, when you visit you take pictures like you is ah tourist...pictures of de road, the buildings, everything you taking pictures of. You never noticed it before. But now dat you is an official Trini to de bone you savor everything! When you in America and you hear a Trini accent, is like you become friends instantly. But when you home you hear the same accent on the bus everyday but you don't even bat an eye. Being away from home just creates that unspoken love for your country. You start to think that your people and culture is the best thing since slice bread. You unconsciously start looking down on other cultures by making yours the best. Better than everybody else. You fear losing your accent and hate it when people tell you don't sound like a Trini. You even look down on those who have lived here so long by calling them Americanized.
When I came to America I was proud NOT to be American. I was a super proud Trini. I fought hard not to adapt to the culture here so I could remain a “pure” Trini. But now I don't care. Now I can appreciate my culture and other cultures. Now I don't have to say we have the best food, music, culture etc. because now I can appreciate the value in differences...now I know that love has no respect for culture or national origin...now I value the people who are in my life but not from my culture. Now I take pride in just being proud to be me...And proud to be a Christian...because God has placed so many people from all walks of life to be in my circle...and right now, I have more friends who are American than I do who are Trini. Soooo proud to be Trini? Always...but more proud to be me :)
I started off by saying that this trip will be different because I am different...I will keep you posted.
I had said to myself that this trip would be different. Because I am different. So much has changed within me over the past year. Heck, over the past few months. One of the biggest change that is taking place within me right now is learning to let go. Learning to let go of people, friends, and family. Learning to even let go of past hurts and pain.
Over the past year I totally let go of one friend. This dude had stood me up about a year ago when I was in Trinidad and said he could not tell me why. Well you know what, I put my foot down because I felt that I deserved better than his lousy apology. And since then things have not been the same. But you know what, I am okay with that. Because even though I loved him dearly, I have to accept the fact that people change, they have the right to change, and that change can even mean leaving me behind. It happens every day to married people who the fell in love and then look around twice and realize their spouse is totally different. That is why you have to pray that you will always grow together in the Lord. And when you change, you change for the better. That is my eternal pray for my husband and I. That neither of us would grow out of each other, but that we would grow together, not leaving the other behind. At the same time, I cannot and will not take for granted that it can happen…even to us…
My next change came when I started letting go of my sisters. From ever since I was a little girl, I wanted and craved that sister-sister relationship. I have finally accepted that even though I chose them they don't have to choose me. I am the outside child (according to one friend) and no matter what I do, I will always be the outside child...come on now...don't get me wrong, letting go is not easy but I have started and I have come such a long with that!
Through another incident with another friend, I learnt that I was holding on to the idea of what was and not what is. When you are friends with someone for a long time it’s easy to hold on to that friendship for dear life because of what you used to have or what you thought you had. And that was a hard lesson to swallow. I was holding on to an idea not something real. Because if it were real it would be real for both of us not just me. I learnt that the way I felt about her was not the same way she felt about me. I learnt that even when you share your heart with the most trusted person it can still be broken. I learnt that we give too much power to people...the power to allow their actions to cause immense pain. For the longest while I wanted to know why she abandoned our friendship and from the moment I found out it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. But why did I need her confirmation that she didn't love me the way I thought in order to "set me free?" That should not be. It was as if I kept myself back just waiting and hoping. Sometimes we are going to find ourselves in situations where we will just not understand why...Why did he cheat on me? Why did he abandon his child? Why did he kill himself? Or why did she have to die!!? No matter how hard we try we may never get the answer to these whys...but we have to figure out a way to let go completely and not allow this to hold us back emotionally…I am learning slowly…
So last year has truly been the year for letting go. But when you let go of these things you have to replace it with new and positive things. It might mean making new friends or forming closer relationships with the ones you have already. It might mean that you focus on what you do have and not what you don't. It might mean seeking God first knowing that every experience you have is one to make you love Him more.
When I left Trinidad for school in 2003, I became so patriotic. I hung flags in my room, had my car dressed with my national colors...and would just be proud to be a Trini. When we leave home we become so patriotic we learn to have a greater appreciation for what we have...the food, the culture, the music, the people...especially the people...You just love up on your country extra hard. You say things like "I am a Trini to de bone," you start collecting local music, when you visit you take pictures like you is ah tourist...pictures of de road, the buildings, everything you taking pictures of. You never noticed it before. But now dat you is an official Trini to de bone you savor everything! When you in America and you hear a Trini accent, is like you become friends instantly. But when you home you hear the same accent on the bus everyday but you don't even bat an eye. Being away from home just creates that unspoken love for your country. You start to think that your people and culture is the best thing since slice bread. You unconsciously start looking down on other cultures by making yours the best. Better than everybody else. You fear losing your accent and hate it when people tell you don't sound like a Trini. You even look down on those who have lived here so long by calling them Americanized.
When I came to America I was proud NOT to be American. I was a super proud Trini. I fought hard not to adapt to the culture here so I could remain a “pure” Trini. But now I don't care. Now I can appreciate my culture and other cultures. Now I don't have to say we have the best food, music, culture etc. because now I can appreciate the value in differences...now I know that love has no respect for culture or national origin...now I value the people who are in my life but not from my culture. Now I take pride in just being proud to be me...And proud to be a Christian...because God has placed so many people from all walks of life to be in my circle...and right now, I have more friends who are American than I do who are Trini. Soooo proud to be Trini? Always...but more proud to be me :)
I started off by saying that this trip will be different because I am different...I will keep you posted.
***P.S. If you see any typos please email me and let me know so I can edit it. Thanks!
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