One of the things that hurts my feelings in life is that
people don’t prepare you for what lies ahead…Whether its about marriage, sex,
or having a baby…People are often not truthful about their experiences which in
turns inhibits our ability to help minister to each other. We inadvertently
deny our relationships a unique opportunity to grow closer and stronger when we
hold back our experiences. Many times pride steps in the way of sharing with
others…Often guised as “I am a private person…or I can’t trust anyone.” The
reality is…my pride prevents me from admitting I have problems in the present. I can talk all day long about the past in some cases...But talking about it in the here and now is a differently story...As I think about post-partum and the changes that await me, I want to learn to
let go of that pride…And be honest with myself and those around me. If I am
suffering I want you to know…so you can help me…whether its through your
prayers, or words of wisdom and encouragement. But that cannot happen if pride
is in the way.
I am thankful I have found a faithful few who are willing to
be open and honest with me about their life experiences especially as it
pertains to life after baby. One of my sisters shared in confidence with me
about her journey years ago, it has greatly helped me to have realistic
expectations of what to expect…And perhaps how to not make some of the same
mistakes myself. It allows me to better position myself for what lies ahead and
not set myself up for failure.
Here is what most people don’t tell you…
·
50% of
couples had either a severe or moderate decline in satisfaction in their
relationship after the birth of the baby. Now since most of us think very
highly of ourselves, we often times tend to think – that won’t happen to me.
It’s the same concept of intelligent, well-educated people sleeping around
without protection thinking that they wont get an STD. We think they are crazy
right!? Well guess what…we are just as crazy when we are so proud to think that
we cannot fall. (1 Cor 10:12 - So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that
you don't fall!). OK, so what’s your point? Are you saying that I should just
sit back and expect my marriage to fall apart since that’s the trend? Not at
all…But just be prepared…mentally prepared…Right now, Jared and I are talking
about practical ways we can help preserve the happiness and intimacy of our
marriage. We know that we are going to be extremely tired. And once fatigue
sets in, the ball is going to be dropped in many areas…Intimacy, romance, alone
time, quality time, talk time all may go out the door! It’s a proven fact that
fatigue decreases libido. And that in turn affects everything else. One of my
(male) friends told me many years ago that it took about a year for their sex
life to return to normal! So now that we have the knowledge, the next step is
figuring out a way to turn that knowledge into wisdom. Practical things we have
come up with so far – hire a maid, gardener, baby sitter…But even after all of
that…we both know that we are going to have to FORCE ourselves to do what we
need to do…Because we are just going to be too tired to want to care. That is
where the help and encouragement of our friends will come in big time! At the
very least, I will console myself knowing that this is normal and I am not
ABNORMAL. That’s one of the biggest things I think we can do…Don’t set yourself
up for a fall…Prepare for it…expect it…but hope for the best. At the end of the
day you are not superwoman and he is not superman. So allow yourself to be okay
with not being perfect.
·
45% of new
mothers said that their first six months of motherhood was more difficult than
they expected. When most of us think of babies we think about how cute they
are and how perfect your family must be now that you have this new addition and
what a wonderful and joyful blessing from God. What people don’t tell you is
that for many mothers, they are dying inside. They are overwhelmed, they are
depressed, they are not happy. And then on top of that they feel guilty for
feeling unhappy because everyone (society at large) makes you believe that you
are SUPPOSED to be happy. Therefore if you are not happy, something is wrong
with you! Think about this question a new mother asked, “When will I LIKE my
baby?” Of course many mothers will say that they love their baby…But for the
first few months taking care of a newborn can be so daunting, overwhelming,
taxing, and BORING that the pleasure you were expecting never arrived…at least
not yet. FRIENDS, please be aware of this…And ask me honestly if I am
overwhelmed, and then if I am lying.
It’s okay to not like your baby at first. Don’t think of yourself as a horrible
person if this happens to you…And I will try to do the same knowing that there
are many who may feel this way. My husband says, parents enjoy different stages
of their child’s development…And at one point or another there comes a stage
where you actually do not like your child.
·
About
85%-90% of mothers suffer from “baby blues” and about 10% will have post-partum
depression. Many of the tips given to combat post-partum (apart from
medication if needed) are the same tips that will help you stay sane. Here are
some tips: learn to chill out, sleep when the baby sleeps, exercise, don’t
expect to be perfect, plan to get plenty of help, be flexible, remember this
too shall pass and the best is yet to come, and join a support group. Such wonderful and practical advice…Now I
just have to make sure it is implemented.
One of the practical tips the teacher gave today was that
you don’t have visitors during the first 6 weeks of postpartum…you have helpers.
Everyone who comes to your home should be there to help in some way…Whether its
washing some dishes, doing a load of laundry, or picking up some food for the
family. I was telling Jared, the key to using that piece of advice is allowing
people to help you…And again, allowing your pride to step to the side…Because
accepting helps means that you need help…And many times we don’t like to admit
that we need help…Maybe its because we think it’s a sign of weakness…Or we fear
being a burden to someone else. But this I must say…Don’t steal away the
blessings other folks will get for their helpful spirit. Allow people to
help…And identify people to ask for help. A big task for many of us!
My next task is to really sit down with myself and embrace
this idea…And then look at my support circle and talk to them about practical
ways they can help during that time.
So might I ask…How would you like to help?
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