Am I an authentic friend?

The past few days I have been in a kinda funk. Maybe more like the past few weeks. I’ve been feeling up and down emotionally…It’s one of those things where I feel disconnected from my friends (because of the distance and lack of communication)…And then two major let downs happened and that had me going back and forth in my mind a lot!

ONE of my major issues with myself has been that I have not been the kind of friend I used to be. I used to be the type of person who was unafraid to say what was on my mind. To inform others the error of their ways. To say kindly or otherwise say what was on my mind. good or bad… I was fearlessly honest. Particularly with those close to me…I was never really this way with everyone, but those nearest to my heart I felt comfortable to say what was on my mind…Even if I knew it would be a difficult conversation.

Today I struggle with that. Today I struggle with being an authentic friend. An authentic person. Consider this: You see your best friend incorrectly install her son’s car seat. You know that if they got in an accident the car seat could go flying out the window. But you struggle with offending her…Because if you say something then maybe assumptions would be made that you think you are better than her…OR maybe she may think you are thinking she is a bad mom. OR maybe you struggle with how much should I have the liberty to say. Or maybe that she simply won’t receive it well.

I thought about this on my drive home today from my MOPS group…And I know for a fact that if someone had good advice for me that could help my child without a doubt I would want to know. BUT I think I am different. I am not the type of mom who is like, “mind your own business!” I constantly seek advice and the wisdom from my friends and other moms. I try never act like I know it all, and I continuously ask questions. But not everyone is like that. Some people are like, “who are you to tell me what to do!?” The very people I confide in and seek advice from I am afraid to be pointedly honest with them. In fact, there is only one person apart from my husband that I can be brutally honest with…and that’s Marsha…With her I can say ANYTHING, in any way and KNOW that our friendship would be okay. I’m talking I can scream at the top of my lungs, make obnoxious sighs of frustrations, or be civilized. And no matter what I know that her relationship with me will not change. I don’t need to sugarcoat anything for Marsha…And what I especially like about her is that she NEVER sugarcoats anything for me…She never treats me like I am some type of fragile, over-emotional loon! As a matter of fact she is the type of friend who can call me right now and say, “That was the WORST blog you have ever written! Were you drunk or something!?” Seriously, she did that…And it didn’t even hurt my feelings…and one of the reasons that statement would never hurt my feelings is because I know she loves me…She never says anything to intentionally hurt me. She’s just hey, honest. She’s also my number one blog fan. From the very beginning until now she reads every one of my post. She even calls me after some of them and to tell me how wonderful OR terrible it was. LOL. And I appreciate that so much from her. I appreciate that what you see is what you get. I appreciate that I know where she stands and I never question her loyalty even when she may say some off the wall things. I LOVE her honestly. And I used to be Marsha…I used to engage in relationships where what you see is what you get. Where I say what I mean without having to downplay it. Or sugarcoat it. NOT that I would just say something mean-spirited. But I was free to be me.

A few years ago when I taught sisters’ class at Southside, sis Tina recommended this book for me to real about how to be an assertive Christian. I picked it up a few days ago and read the first 3 chapters. Here’s some of my favorite lines:

“….Assertive Christians stand up for themselves without excessive anxiety. Because their personal value and intrinsic worth do not depend of the approval of others, but on God’s unconditional love and approval…they want to fearlessly and serenely ask other for respect, fair treatment, and honest interactions without excessive anxiety….”

I could hear Marsha now saying, “YES SISTA! Dat is what I have been saying to you all along!” As a matter of fact just the other day she said that when I stop caring about what other people think about me then I will start living! I feel so anxious now when I have to approach someone about how I feel about what they did. And the anxiety is crippling! 

The book continues to say, “Individuals who think and behave assertively are people who have an active orientation to life, people who participate fully in life, people with a sense of God-given personal power. Assertive men and women live decisively, aware that life is full of choices and sensitive to their responsibility to make decisions about those choices.

Individuals can use assertive behaviors to reflect choices about initiating or ending a friendship, to make known the personal boundaries about how close a friendship becomes, or to maintain and celebrate long-standing friendships….In the same manner, it is an assertive behavior to make a choice about the depth and intimacy of your relationships….”

When I reflect on the words of the author I think about how I have failed to live assertively. How I have allowed the shortcomings of others to hinder me from being me.  (And when I say shortcomings of others I simply mean that when someone chooses to respond badly to what you have said, it’s on them not you). I think about how I have turned into a coward instead of being the strong and decisive person I used to be. I think about how I have failed my friends because I’ve withheld valuable information or insight that could impact their child! Or simply valuable information that could grow and strengthen our relationship!

Recently a good friend of mine told me how she had initially thought I was being manipulative and then thought more about it and determined that it was not my nature to be manipulative so instead she determined that I was just being helpful. While I appreciated that she was able to reason within herself that it wasn’t a big deal my mind keep going over and over at the fact that she INITIALLY thought I was being manipulative. Why would that be the FIRST thing that came to mind?? I wrestled so much with that thought that I went to bed that night convincing myself that I was indeed a manipulative person!

A few months ago at a marriage retreat we had to do a genogram. This is simply a family tree that visually illustrates your family background, relationships, issues, illness, addictions etc. It is one of the most eye opening exercises I have ever done and really provided a lot of insight into my background…and why things are the way the are…Why my father behaves a certain way, and how that impacted me etc. It’s an awesome tool and I highly recommend you do one for yourself. Anyway, when I presented my genogram to the group I thought this was going to be a simple and easy exercise. Especially since I had done one before for my social work class. But this time it was different. This time it was even more impactful than the first time I did it. This time I had to say it out loud to someone other than myself. And this time as I explained every line…and showed how EVERY SINGLE LINE that was connected to me from my physical family represented a “distant” or “not close” relationship, I couldn’t stop the tears! Mother, father, step-mother, brother, sisters, grandparents whom I don’t know….There was not one…not one person that I could say with utmost certainty that we have a close relationship. Geeze, it brings tears to my eyes now to say that again…So the leader of the group asked me, what does the devil want you to believe? “I don’t know,” I said. He said look at it again…look carefully…what do you think the devil wants you to believe?…And immediately I said, “that I’m not important.” Tears*

So after my friend told me she initially thought I was being manipulative and I reflected on my genogram and the message the devil is trying to send me…(you are not important to anyone)…I concluded that I was indeed manipulative. I said to myself, I am manipulative because I have lived a life all these years to get people to engage with me…I have done things such as be hospitable, invite people into my space, plan game night, girls night, parties, vacations and getaways with others because MAYBE I unconsciously believe that since I am not important enough that no one would do it for me. In other words, if I don’t invite you, you wont invite me…If I don’t suggest a get together no one would suggest it to me…If I don’t invite you on a vacation, trip, getaway, whatever, then there is no one who will do the same just for me…This conversation with myself was not going well…As I was thinking about all these things I came up with real examples of how I manipulated people before (unknowingly). When I got married in 2006, I had only been in the U.S. 3 years. Naturally our wedding would be in Trinidad since I felt more connected to Trinidad than the U.S. But at that time I was trying REALLY hard to build a relationship with my sisters (whom I did not grow up with and did not know very well). So I thought it would be wonderful if they could be my bridesmaids. BUT honestly, I knew that if I had not made them my bridesmaids, they would not have come to my wedding. Consider that one month before the wedding (May 2006) I graduated from undergrad. No one even remembered I was graduating! No one called! Much less showed up. I spent that entire weekend crying because I was so crushed that my family didn’t even show up to my graduation…Those are the things that probably supports the “you are not important” notion. Cause when your own FAMILY does not show up, it leaves such a void and emptiness inside that its impossible not to be impacted!

But it makes it clear why certain things are important to me. Like quality time with friends. And a feeling of togetherness…Show of support, whether it’s from attending a graduation, wedding, shower, etc…opportunities for fellowship…opportunities for vacations…These things are sooooo important to me because I never had it before. Or lived it in my childhood… I live every breath of my life today to live a happy, easy going, godly life. I live my life today to give Jayce everything that is important…quality time, family time, love,  support and good memories he’ll have forever. Perhaps it’s the disconnected relationships of my family tree that makes me prune and seek to strengthen the relationships I am in now. So if this is what being manipulative is, then I claim it one hundred percent! But like my friend told me, “You are not manipulative, that’s just who you are…And that’s your role in the relationships you have…You initiate, you invite, you lead…it’s just you and there is nothing wrong with that…”

I’ll end with this quote from the book:

“Assertive behavior helps you maintain and enhance existing friendships. When you initiate phone calls, suggest plans for time together, or express affection and appreciation, you are behaving in a proactive, assertive manner that affirms the value of relationships and enhances their development.”

Yep, that’s me!  And I’m okay with that.