So I must confess…I am a bit overwhelmed right now. You ever
felt blah but didn’t know why? Or just felt sad out of seemingly nowhere…and
all of a sudden!? I’m feeling that way now…
Apart from life (work, baby, sleep deprivation, baby,
husband, life, visa expiring, work, job hunting, greencard application, life,
selling house, moving,…etc) I think my feelings came when I looked for
encouragement from the wrong place/person. Have you ever tried to encourage
someone to do something simply because you really want to do it? For instance,
think about studying your bible more, being more healthy, anything…Have you
ever said to your best friend, family, or significant other, “Hey! I think it would
be a great idea if we did such and such…” Hoping that they would respond with
your same enthusiasm. When I do that…I am looking for encouragement to
implement my idea…Except, I don’t want to do it alone…I don’t want to grow
spiritually alone…I don’t want to exercise alone…I don’t want to be the only
one trying to eat healthy…I don’t want to cry alone…I don’t want to suffer
alone…etc. etc.
Life…Most days are good days…Most days the sun is shining amidst
the clouds. But today just isn’t one of those days…I think I might be having a “woe
it’s me” moment…
First of all, why is it that my child woke up 6 times last
night? And every other night for the past two months!!! Why is it that no
matter what we do (put him to bed early, put
him to bed late, feed him more, feed him less, feed him cereal, have him
take long naps in the day, short naps)…NOTHING WORKS…Why is it that he went
from sleeping beautifully (6-7 hours) without waking up at 2 months, to this
craziness!!? And WHY did all of this start happening when I went back to
work!!! Why is it that I feel like I am getting the dregs of his day when I rush
home at 5:30, only to start putting a fussy/tired baby to sleep by 6:30,
sometimes even 6pm like today…Why is it that I feel like I am missing out? Why
is it that I sometimes feel too sleepy to enjoy the simple moments…And why is
it that everyone has a different opinion on what to do!!?
But apart from that…I have been soooo tired the last couple
of weeks, that I had to take some time to catch up on sleep…So while I was able
to resume sisters class in January, I had to skip it entirely for February…Not
to mention Wednesday night Bible class seems to be a distant memory for both
Jared and I…And it is HERE, where I am tempted to compare myself to everyone…Well
my girls managed to find a way to bring their babies to bible class, why can’t
I? But should I really drag a sleeping baby to bible class…so he can fuss and
cry because he is sleepy and tired…Then by the time he gets home he is
overtired and even harder to put to bed!? Then have him wake up even more
during the night etc…Then his daytime schedule seems to change every day! One
day he sleeps from 9am-10am, 12pm-2pm, and maybe 4pm-5pm…Other days he takes 30
minute cat naps instead…Other days he sleeps 10am-12pm and 2pm-4pm…How can I get
this aligned…and what exactly should I be aligning it to? Am I expecting too
much here?? I mean he is only four and a half months…Sometimes what I think is
normal may actually be skewed…so tell me please…what is normal!?
So apart from baby drama…We are in the process of putting
our house on the market! Yep, we are selling our house…Jared will be finished
with his fellowship in July and is in the process of job hunting…However he can
only accept a position if they are first willing to file for his work visa and
greencard. With that said, there are not many places willing to do this!! Not
even Duke, the people who trained him does not want to go through the process
to keep him! So it has been harder than we EVER imagined! Hence the reason we
are selling our house…In all likelihood, we may have to move at the drop of a
hat…And I don’t want us to be stuck with this mortgage if that is the case…But
then yesterday I started to think about all the what if’s…What if Jared does
not have a job July 1st? That would mean that we would only have my
income which is not enough to cover our expenses (even if we sold our house!)…That
would mean paying out of pocket for health insurance for Jared and Jayce (a
whopping $1,000 a month!)…What if we sold the house now? That would mean we
would have to put all our belongings in storage, pay hundreds of dollars to
move it to storage, and find somewhere to squat! And who would look after
Jayce? Would Jared be “stuck” with him all day, every day while I am at work?
Will he go crazy!? What if he gets a job way cross country!? That would now
mean thousands of dollars in moving expenses! What if we had to go back home,
to the Caribbean because we cannot afford to live? How can we even begin to
maintain our independence we have enjoyed back home? How will we deal with the
heat? Where will Jayce play? How will we move about freely without a car!? How,
how, how!? HOW WILL I SURVIVE!!!? What if Jayce got sick and needed to go to
the hospital!? What type of care would he receive? How will we pay for it? TOO
MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!
My job has agreed to extend my visa…But I can only extend it
for three months as the law does not allow me to be on a work visa for more
than 6 consecutive years. And as luck would have it, this is my sixth year
(ending in Oct). At the very least that buys us time to remain in the U.S.
legally until then…And hopefully by then Jared would be able to start working…And
then where does that leave me? If we move, it means I’ll be leaving my job…But
will I find a job? Will I be “stuck” at home?
THEN…The reality of moving seems more real…And that makes me
sad…Because while I am excited about the new adventure that life may take us on…I
am sad that I will be leaving good friends behind…I am sad to think about
leaving NC…the place I now call HOME…The place where Jared and I started our
marriage and so many of you watched us grow into our new family…The place where
I feel the most love and support! I am sad that when people move the nature of
their relationships changes…No matter how great of friends you are…even best
friends…the relationship changes…I have lived it over and over and over again…moving
means goodbye. The physical presence of people brings together a level of connectedness,
fellowship, and giving of oneself, that distance takes away. I have seen where
my darling friends who would make time to physically see me, hang out with me,
talk to me etc. when physically present would not do so when apart. I have seen
where seemingly close friendships, grow distant because of physical distance…Think
about it…so and so calls you from church…you answer the phone, you go meet them
in person, you fellowship with them etc…Kaara, who is 20 thousand miles away
calls and its weeks or months before I hear back. This is the part of moving I hate
the most…And so when I say happy new year…or not so happy…this is what I am referring
to…I started off the year kind glum because I was thinking about my NC family…and
feeling as though I will be losing some this year…
So with my bright ideas of accountability partners, studying
together, skype, prayer partners, ladies getaway, marriage retreat, visiting
each other every year, family vacations …so that no matter where we are in the
world we would remain forever connected…this is my way of seeking “encouragement.”
And hoping that someone matches my enthusiasm. But alas…I might be seeking
encouragement from the wrong place. For while many will say yes, few will mean
it.
P.S. I feel a WHOLE lot better now that I have gotten that
off my chest! Please pray for me!
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