Preparing for Marriage

On a much happier note....This post was written in July 2009...I thought I would share it again!

I have been married for three years…THREE WONDERFUL YEARS. I cannot begin to tell you the immense joy I feel to know that my marriage has been blessed. But a happy marriage is not something that just happens just like that. There were some things we did before we got married, that has set the tone for our marriage today.
Here is my two cents…for what has worked for us…

• For those not yet married – During your dating years keep yourself pure. Fight with all your might to save yourself for your marriage. There is nothing more special than two people who can get to know each other at this very intimate level, without any guilt associated, or without any comparison to a former partner etc. And even if you have not been pure in the past, that’s okay, START TODAY! Forgive yourself and let go of any guilt…that’s only a tool of the devil to weigh down your relationship. Spend time in prayer, and devotion together.

• While dating, keep it real. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that “marriage will change things.” Be observant about behaviors and be open and honest about your true habits. There was NOTHING that surprised me when I married my husband. We dated for 5 years and by then I had a mental list of everything I liked, and everything I did not like. I knew EXACTLY what I was getting into. Never romanticize marriage…Just keep it real. Do not let infatuation take over your better judgment.

• A good preacher once said, “As much time as you spend preparing for your wedding, spend AT LEAST that amount of time preparing for your marriage.” I absolutely believe that there is nothing better you can do for your future marriage than to prepare for it. Read good books together and talk about it…Have fruitful discussion. During the year preceding our wedding Jared and I read several great books, and had discussion on every topic imaginable. From how to divide the housework, views on children, and even the unspoken…adultery…and what we can do to prevent ourselves from falling prey to adultery. Believe me, when I say that we talked about everything! It annoys me when I seek folks spend so much time planning a wedding day and not placing half as much time, effort and energy preparing for their life together.

• Adultery – never believe that “it can’t happen to me.” Everyone whom it has happened to probably felt the same way. Adultery can happen to you…I think Jared and I were 21 when we had that conversation…and I vividly remember the night…I cried…Because I could not believe he was telling me this! IT was like him telling me that later in life he plans to cheat! WHAT!!? But that is not what he was saying at all…Simply put, if you don’t take care of your relationship and preserve the love and affection you have for each other, and start taking each other for granted and forget the God you serve, sin will creep in…Once you acknowledge that it can happen to you, you will always cherish the love you have and work very hard to do what you need to do to safeguard it.

• Before we got married, we promised each other that we would seek help should trouble creep into our marriage. Do not be too proud for counseling, or confessing your faults to good brothers and sisters and seeking wise counsel from faithful friends. It is a hard thing to admit that something is wrong with my relationship, and pride and shame can prevent us from seeking help. Take the time to resolve any potential problems early by seeking help…don’t wait until you hit rock bottom to seek help.

• Friends of the opposite sex – Keep them at a distance! This goes back the whole adultery thing. Now let me say this…my friends are like family to me…And though many people say that, I actually mean it!!! So much so, that in the early years of dating, I told Jared that if he ever told me crap about choosing between him and my friends, I would chose my friends! Because not only is that is sign of serious control issues, but also that’s like telling me to choose between my family…not cool. That was just a forewarning, it never happened of course :-).

BUT, when it comes to friends of the opposite sex, please keep them at arm’s length. I have a couple of VERY CLOSE male friends. I see them as brothers, and I am their sister that watches their girl friends cross-eyed, up and down, and wondering if you are good enough for my bro. Don’t play! These are friends I made more than 10 years ago…And we are still great friends today…I have cried on their shoulders, and gotten mad at them (a sign of closeness in my crazy family!) and I am not afraid to tell them when they are messing up. However, I have consciously never made close male friends after my brothers. I will not confide in another man, I will not cry on his shoulder, and I will not tell him my deepest fears. See where I am going with this? Neither is it cool for your man to be having that type of relationship with other chicks! I’m not saying don’t have male friends…I’m just saying to make sure to keep them at arm’s length and recognize when you are crossing the line. Girls on the other hand, I keep VERY close to my heart!! And they can get to know me like a book! But there is nothing better when a man has a male friend they can confide in…someone who is Godly and can keep him accountable…These are the types of friends you need to surround your relationship with and seek out.

• Know the difference between quality time and quantity time. It’s not about how much time you spend, but the quality of that time together. Ensure that you spend QUALITY time together.

• Develop healthy habits regarding communication, conflict resolution, budgeting and finances, date nights, and of course spirituality.

So what's your two cents?