Forgiveness

I used to think that forgiveness was easy and I didn’t have a problem with this. I have said that I have never not forgiven someone who asked for forgiveness. But what about those who don’t ask for forgiveness? What about them? How do we forgive those who either don’t know they hurt us or simply don’t care? Can we say like Jesus, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”?


I asked a friend recently, “Can I rightly divorce my cheating husband if I forgive him?” He said, “forgiveness should mean that you no longer hold the unfaithful act to his account. To divorce him would mean that you are still holding his sin to his account and that means forgiveness wasn't really present.”

But then why would God create a legitimate avenue for divorce that in essence would be hinged on sin (unforgiveness)??

Think of forgiving a baby sitter who sexually abused your child. That person, though forgiven may never baby sit your child again. But if God's love is present that we would make sure that person is supported while they receive the help they need...and not cast aside never to be spoken to again. Right?

Somewhere along the way someone told us that forgiving someone was as easy as saying, “I forgive you.” A one time act that magically takes away our hurt and heart aches. An act that prevents us from dwelling on the past and moving forward with the future. Ohhh, but if it were so easy. Remember I started by saying that I thought I didn’t have a problem with this? Well, I must confess that I do.

Because we may think that forgiveness is a onetime act of saying “you are forgiven” we fool ourselves into thinking that since we are still hurt, upset, and crushed by what happened we can just ignore the person. They don’t need to be part of our lives to hurt us anymore. We say, “I can forgive you, but I don’t have to talk to you anymore.” I am not sure if this reflects the Christ like attitude Jesus wants us to have. Can you imagine if God forgave us but didn’t talk to us anymore? Or said that he forgave us but just to prevent Himself from being hurt he has chosen to cut us off?

I have recently had several human interactions that have challenged my ability to forgive. One being my oldest sister and a couple of my friends. I reached a point in my relationship with my sister where I was simply tired of her talking down to me…speaking to me as if I were some child….I was tired of being bullied by her. This may be the classic case of “forgive them for they know not what they do.” Maybe she has no clue how her actions has negatively impacted me. Maybe she thinks that she is justified. Maybe she is just being herself – a bossy mother hen. Well, November 2009 marked the last time I communicated with her. It was a harsh exchange of emails, that I eventually chose not to respond to. And so Christmas, New Years, birthdays and anniversaries have passed and we have not spoken. I chose to do this. This was a conscious decision on my part…Because I was tired…I was tired of her talking down to me…and I just could not deal with it anymore. So where does forgiveness come into play? How can I forgive her if she does not even acknowledge her follies? Should I tell her how I feel? Would she even care? I think that forgiveness is not a onetime act that we were taught, but it is a work in progress. It begins with admitting that you need to forgive – even when the person who offended you does not ask for forgiveness. You say to yourself that regardless of if they even admit they are wrong, or if they ask for forgiveness, I will forgive them. But how do you do that? It sounds really nice and “spiritual” but practically, how do you move to that point.

Well, I think that in getting to that point means that I have to work on me. I have to acknowledge that I, just like her, have faults…many I may never see…I, just like her, have hurt someone…and may never know…I, just like her, may have a lot on my plate, that I just need grace and mercy. That acknowledgement puts me in a better place. And it puts it back on me. God commanded me to love, He commanded me to forgive…regardless of what the other person does. So, I need to work on me. Maybe I need to work on being more vocal about my feelings when she offends me. Maybe I need to work on patience and endurance. MAYBE, I need to work through my feelings of hurt and pain and NOT ignore it!

One of the things that make forgiveness so difficult is that we do not give people enough time to work through their hurt and pain. We expect that they should forgive and forget in an instant! Almost ignoring their heartache. But it is perfectly acceptable to admit that we need time to work through our feelings. Perhaps a prayerful attitude can help this along. The key is not to ignore your feelings…Because that can turn into ignoring the person. A quick fix, but not necessarily the right fix…To say that we have forgiven someone yet ignore them is not forgiveness…it is us taking the easy way out.

Last year a good friend of mine stood me up. I travelled 3 hours (while in another country) to see him and never saw him! I called, texted, called and texted! No response! And no response days after…And no response weeks after…And no response months after… I was HURT to say the least. I emailed him and told him how hurt and disappointed I was…no response…Three months later I wrote him again, asking him for some type of explanation…and told me he could not give me an explanation and just said he was sorry. I told him I deserved some type of explanation for what he did…He never responded. In that correspondence, I told him that at this point I did not care about his apologies. I simply wanted to know what happened, why you didn’t text me to say something…or why did you take 3 months to respond??? I told him that our friendship was hanging in the balance because I was not sure if we could still be friends if he could trample over my feelings without explaining why…NO RESPONSE…

Then HE wrote me in July, saying that he was sorry but still refused to give me an explanation. He remains adamant about not giving me ANY type of explanation as to why he stood me up, why he never responded to my text, why he never emailed me when I emailed him a couple weeks later, or why he took 3 months to respond to my emails.

So he has asked for forgiveness, and I thought I had forgiven him….But at this point I no longer want to be his friend. AT this point, I no longer trust him with my heart/feelings…He is one of the FEW male friends I had. One of the few brothers that I loved so much…One of the few people that I thought I could still count out…who had my back… But he has proven that I can’t count on him. Almost a year later, and I still feel like how I felt that faithful October weekend…Tearful and sad…

Have I truly forgiven?

He is still my brother in Christ…And by that love should govern our relationship. Christ’s love. Therefore I should and will treat him like any brother or sister…with love…The crazy thing about Christ’s love is that it calls us to love each other…kinda the same way we love our friends.

Forgiveness – a work in progress…I will start with the acknowledgement that I need to work on me in order to truly forgive you.