Acceptance

I made a revelation…Well actually a friend helped me to make a revelation…
I made contact with my friend (Read post Friends are Not Forever). It was an email…a simple email…but none the less - contact. After 9 months of silence, I decided to break the silence. And all I asked was “how are you doing? It’s been a while.”

It took a lot out of me to make that step. I did not want to be the “bigger person.” When you are hurt, and upset you could care less about being mature, wise, blah blah blah. I was hurt, and for a while I allowed my hurt feelings to allow our friendship to dwindle away. I felt that if she loved me, and cared anything about our friendship, she would fight for me. But when she didn’t, her actions told me that she could do without me and our friendship. She was like a sister to me…Friends since I was 15…and it devastated me to think that she would just let it go without a fight. That devastation caused many tears on my part for several months…

And for several months I had anger building inside of me…I had hurt tearing me apart inside…For several months I WANTED to call her...OR email her…But I didn’t. I didn’t, because I knew that the words that I would have told her would have been mean and hateful. I had to come to a place where I could talk to her on her level – as normal.

Whenever I thought about talking with her I got mad…Because I knew that she would talk to me as if everything was normal or okay. That to me is hypocritical! If I know we have beef, I cannot pretend to talk to you as if everything is okay. BUT, that is me – NOT her. And I came to the realization (with the help of another friend) that even though she may talk to me “as normal” that does not mean she is okay with how things are…Even though she may not bring up the presenting problem that does not mean she does not want it resolved…And even though I am the type of person who has to talk about it to make it right, she is not. She is fully capable of working out a situation with herself, in her mind and moving forward successfully. Well, seemingly successfully…until the situation blows up again. She has a very forgiving heart that sometimes allows her to move forward without dealing with a problem constructively.

I did not appreciate that about her. I felt that she should have told me whatever I did that bothered her…and not someone else. I felt that she should have seen that something was wrong with me, and asked what happened…I felt that she should have not allowed 9 months to go by…

But I was reminded by another friend that I know her…I know who she is as a person…I know her heart…And so, I was able to write…and when she responded “as normal,” I didn’t get upset, because I knew that is who she is. I anticipated that her response would be positive, as if nothing ever happened, and 9 months didn’t just go by. And so said, so done…She responded very positively and has not dared ask me what happened…But, I cannot be surprised because I know that she avoids conflict…at all costs.

I had hoped that since she knew me, knew my heart, and knew that I needed to have this resolved in order for us to move forward, that she would do something…say something…and fight for us…for our friendship….Instead, she said she does not want to deal with this right now and she does not know if she ever will. She didn’t say this to me directly…but hearing that killed me. I think she was and is willing to allow our friendship to dissolve. I think that if I had not contacted her that she probably would not have contacted me…

At this stage I am not sure what I want to do…I have a strange feeling that she does not think she did anything wrong in this situation (i.e. avoid conflict, and avoided contact). I think she considers herself the victim in this situation…Like the person who was done wrong…And then with wide open, forgiving arms is perhaps waiting to welcome me back.

But we both need to come to the table and admit that we did each other wrong. She didn’t call me, and I didn’t call her. She avoided conflict and I helped her to avoid it by not confronting her. She abandoned our friendship and so did I. Though our reasons behind why we did what we did may be different…it still remains that our actions mirrored each other.

The revelation – accept a friend for who they are. Don’t be mad when they behave within their nature. Know they are not perfect…Know they may not love you the way you want to be loved, but that does not mean they don’t love you.