Follow up on the post “Friends are not Forever”

For some reason no one comments on the blog itself but I have received a number of comments from my sisters about my post “Friends Are Not Forever.” Here is a synopsis of the comments I received:


• My husband and a friend from college said that I should take down my original blog because it may offend my friend in question.

• Another friend I said I should leave the post because it represents MY JOURNEY and where I am in that journey.

• Others suggests that being a conflict avoid is not wrong but rather a different way of dealing with conflict.

• I should tell her how I feel and bring closure to the situation…Even if it means stating that we are going to change our friendship as it stands.

• What would Jesus do? God does not give up on us so we should not give up on our friends

• Your silence and avoiding her is against everything you (me) stand for. It’s so unlike you!

Here is my response to some of these comments:

• I took the blog down for a day or two and then reposted it as is. I started this blog to write about MY JOURNEY. Why should I edit it? Some of the things I write are not going to be easy to write…Perhaps because it may be a painful topic or perhaps it represents a bad decision. However the aim of this blog is not to present myself as the perfect version of me…Only writing things that would keep me “saved” in the eyes of some…But rather to write about my life’s journey…past, present, friends, family, relationship etc. My hope is that someone can be encouraged by my struggles and by my victories. Therefore I think it’s important to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also feel confident that my friend does not know about my blog though it’s very public. Though someone can forward my blog to her, it still does not change how I felt at that moment.

• I think that a person who avoids conflict at all costs, keeps things inside and grows in negative feelings towards another is not right. This Bible gives us a blue print of how we should deal with conflict. I think that we sometimes ignore the instructions to suit our own comfort levels. But we must force ourselves out of our comfort zones if we are to grow, to learn, and to achieve higher quality relationships

• So how does the Bible tell us we should deal with conflict?

1. First, go to your brother/friend and privately tell them what they did wrong (Matt 18:15). We must be careful not to go blabbering to everyone but to the person who actually offended us. I understand that sometimes we may confide in a spiritual confidant to seek clarity with the situation due to raging emotions. But in that case it’s more about you and ensuring that you prepare your mind to do the RIGHT thing. Your goal in telling another should be to bring you closer to resolving the conflict and not fuel or justify your anger. Furthermore if you happen to be the spiritual confident then you are charged with the responsibility of guiding your brother or sister according to the scriptures…by advising that they speak with the person in question.

2. Secondly, if he or she would not listen, take one or two others with you as witnesses (vs. 16). It’s interesting that the Bible does not tell us to just forget about if they won’t listen…You know many times we pat ourselves on the back when we “try” to resolve conflict by saying, “well I went to her and she didn’t care…I tried…” And we give up at that point. No, it’s at that point that you go into second gear. The object is to resolve conflict, especially if it can negatively impact the church. Let’s put it this way, two Christians not speaking to each other does not positively impact the church. And if we actually tried to safeguard the church then we would be more proactive is trying to resolve conflict.

3. Thirdly, if he/she refuses to listen, take it to the church (vs. 17). Now the context of this passage pertains to a brother who is caught in sin. And suggests that we are going to that brother to encourage him to leave his sinful ways. When we have conflict it may not be that the person is caught in a sin…It can be a simple difference of opinion went wrong! However the same principle applies. When there is negative energy due to conflict, you go to that person! Not bury it in your head in the sand, hide it under the pillow, or pretend everything is okay when it’s not…You go…go to the person.

4. If you know you have offended your brother then you are responsible to go to your bother and try to resolve that conflict. You are responsible because you know. EVEN if they never say anything to you, you are still to go because YOU KNOW and it can hinder their relationship with God. (Matt. 5:23-24).

Essentially, when there is conflict you are RESPONSIBLE for resolving that conflict whether you are the one offended or whether you offend someone. This approach is in direct opposition of conflict avoiders.

• I agree that I should go to my friend and bring closure to the situation or try to resolve our differences. This is exactly what I have preached and goes hand in hand with my nature. Whether I have been wronged or I wronged her, I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GO…I wanted to go…I really did…Sooooo many times I came REAL CLOSE to sending her an email…But I can tell you this, the email would not have been nice…It would have been filled with rage!!! I needed to give us space…Give her space to make her decision about our friendship…And give me space to learn about how she feels about our friendship. Her silence has shown me that she is not willing to fight for our friendship…And I BELIEVE this reflects her value of our friendship. I evidently valued my friendship with her more than she valued her friendship with me.

• Yes, God forgives…and I believe we are to allow ourselves to be used for the gospel sake…(Matt 5:328-42)…Whoever slaps you on your right cheek you are turn the other check…This means that you stay and not run away when there is conflict…You are to allow yourself to remain open, not become closed off. Remaining open HURTS…Often times we do not turn the other check…We run away so we won’t get hurt again. We say, “forget this!” and “forget you!” and PEACE, I’M OUT! So yes, IF she asked me to resume our friendship, I would probably say YES! Because I am a SAP and I like PAIN…

But friendship is a two-way street…The nature of our friendship was at a very high level (in my mind) and I have FINALLY come to terms that she did not view our friendship in the same light…I have finally accepted that she may not want to be close friends the way I want to be close friends…AND….I have FINALLY come to terms with reason we clash…When I have a high level of friendship with someone, it allows me to be open and honest with them…I can share my deep dark secretes with anyone…but real friends challenge you…they make you uncomfortable and force you to step out of your comfort zone so you can GROW…That’s the type of friend I was trying to be…And you know what…I FINALLY realized, that is not the type friend she wanted from me! Hence my constant encouragement seemed more like bashing…or my constant challenges to better herself spiritually seemed like a putdown…Because truly, when you encourage someone to do better, it assumes that they are not where they need to be…And when you tell someone they are not where they need to be…they may not like it…

HA HA! I feel so liberated at this point…It may have been obvious to everyone…Especially my husband…But I FINALLY REALIZE that I have been pushing a type of friendship she did not want…It feels so good to acknowledge this…Because now I can pick up my shoes and move on with a smile of my face, no anger in my heart, and no more tears!

Thank you Jesus!

My next project will be to bring closure to this situation…Now that I have found myself in a good place…and not overtaken with hurt and anger…I think I can approach her with a clearer head…Maybe I’ll write her that email…Stay tuned :-).