Twenty-nine

One year older…and one year wiser. It’s strange, but I finally feel like an adult! An independent, responsible, confident adult :-).
I realized that throughout my life I have limited myself for one reason or another. I realized that I have been constantly looking for the approval of others…Whether friends, family, church goers, or the people most important to me….And that has limited me! Although I present myself as a very STRONG person in my beliefs, opinions, mind, spirituality, there is a part of me that feels like a child. Children always look to their parents for their approval…for their parents to smile and say “great job! We are so proud of you!” Whether parents, teachers, friends, family, church family, or our spouses all of us want to hear these words…regardless of our age. We want to know that we are doing the right thing…and we are making someone proud.

This thirst for approval can often be limiting if we are not strong enough to move forward despite the dissenting voice…

When I was a little girl my dream career was to be a lawyer. I wanted to be someone who would defend the rights of the disenfranchised…But my stepmom told me that lawyers have it tough…they often have to work years before they can make it to the top…and when they just start off they don’t make much money…As a result I never pursued it…I initially went in the direction of studying business, but my inner passion to work to make things better led me to social work. ..I do not regret that choice! But I must confess that a small part of my questions my ability to pass the LSAT much less graduate law school…

I lived in Trinidad until I was 22 years old. There were so many aspects of my culture that I never got to experience due to not having the approval of others. I wanted to go to a comedy show, but we were too young…I wanted to see a play but no one wanted to go…I wanted to see a Panorama Steel Pan Festival, but we don’t celebrate carnival. I am finally at a point where I can savor these experiences despite what anyone else says! And still feel GOOD about the experience… The unfortunately thing is that I no longer live in Trinidad. But if I am ever there while these things are going on I will certainly take advantage of it.

Even living in America, I have limited myself too. ..It was as if my mind was still stuck in Trinidad…Still waiting for approval…or blessings from others in order to truly live my life.

I have even limited myself in even simple things. For instance, I asked one of my darling friends if she was interested in reading a book about sex with a couple other married Christian ladies…with the hope that we can learn and grow…But she wasn’t really keen about the topic and her lack of desire dwindled my desire to move forward. And though I have had a couple ladies interested and EXCITED about the idea, I have yet to move forward…But I will!!

The same is true about church stuff…there are times when I am bursting with enthusiasm about an idea I have and something I am willing to implement…But it just takes one person to not support my idea for me to lose my passion…and lose faith in my idea. It’s important that as Christians we don’t lose heart in these things. I have to remind myself that I have a responsibility to do good even if it’s not supported…even if no one wants to help…even if it’s me alone…I have a responsibility. I would agree that there have been times when I have tied my “good works” to the approval and support of fellow Christians. And this is more than simply participating in established ministries in the church…It’s even harder to do things that are not “established” when it’s just on you to do it. But that’s another topic for another day.

But I have finally liberated myself…I think I’ll drink to that ;-)

This year, 2010, I have decided to take advantage of any and every opportunity as it presents itself! I will live my life to the fullest and not deprive myself of something I truly want to do for fear of what others will think, or simply because they won’t join me. If no one else wants to go, participate or support…I will just keep on keeping on! (By the way, I don’t plan to do anything against my morals, spiritual values or that will intentionally hurt someone else. )

In 2010 I planned my first romantic candle light dinner for my husband! been to my first comedy show, first US concert (Alicia Keys!!!!), first Tyler Perry Play, a Grenadian play in DC, looked inside a Casino visited friends in St. Louis, VA and DC, and bought my first bottle of wine…YES ALCOHOLIC WINE (And I don’t plan to hide it in a brown paper bag…or in the cupboard…I won’t be putting it away when Christians come over etc. etc. Well, I’ve bought wine before, but that was to cook with, LOL!

And as a birthday gift to myself, I have decided to give myself the gift of unbridled potential…the liberty to stretch my mind and know that with fear unleashed, I can be anything I want to be…Because I know that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power…

And with that in mind….I am going for the PhD!!!!!