Baby Jitters

Baby jitters is the term I coined to describe a category of couples where one partner has a sudden, overwhelming urge to have a baby. Sometimes that partner is able to convince the other partner that they are ready, willing and able to have a child…
I have noticed two distinct categories of folks with the baby jitters. (There are more, but for the sake of today’s blog, I’ll talk about two). The first category consists of those couples who went through a rough patch in their marriage. Let’s call that rough path a hurricane…yeah it was REAL rough! But now they find themselves in a good place and are coming out of the storm. They think they are out of the storm but in truth and in fact they are in the eye of the hurricane. They, for the first time in a long time, have experienced a sense of calm, a sense of joy…Happiness has returned in their hearts and they have tasted joy again! This sudden return of ecstasy in their marriages creates an almost overwhelming desire for a child. The child functions as the “cherry on top.”

With this couple, they have romanticized the idea of having a child so much that they are often terribly far from reality. They believe this child is going to enhance their life and their marriage…The visions they have is joy overflowing from a cup of ice-cream…cookies with sprinkles on top, cupcakes and musical chairs…it’s all sunshine and roses! Life seems perfect…And though they acknowledge having to change dirty diapers, doing laundry, cooking baby food, and a general loss of time…they envision doing it ALL with a smile…Their resolve is that “it won’t be that bad...God will see us through” What this couple has failed to consider is the reality of a baby…The REAL DEAL. The part the most folks don’t tell us about…

Post partum depression, tiredness like you have never experienced before, sleepless nights, constant disappointment with your mate, fights over who’s turn it is to do this or that, a sudden change of relationships with friends, no social life, loss of income beyond what you had imagined, a dying sex life (for either lack of desire or lack of desire)…And the list goes on and on…No one talks about these things…But they are real…they exist…and I bet there is someone you know right now experiencing this…The thing is, you probably would never imagine that they are feeling this way or experiencing such hardships..Why? Because they have learnt to plaster a smile on their face and avoid company…They have learnt to live in pain by themselves...In silence… But why would someone do that? Why would you choose to live in pain and not say anything? But we do it all the time…Our inability to talk about the real deal with marriage, children etc. has forced us into a silence of untold stories…It has forced us to think that we are the minority…that if we had it together we would not have problems…It has forced us to think that it’s just me…But it’s not just you baby…It’s you and most of the rest of the world!

Unfortunately statistics tells us that many are not able to survive this stage…This is not what I signed up for! And before you know it, you are raising two kids by yourself. The transition to parenthood is really a critical phase in the life of a marriage. It is not one to be taken lightly at all. My plea for those with the baby jitters is to realize that it’s not all roses and chocolates…But to understand that this can be you…When you understand and accept that it can be you, you then start to think about the steps to put in place in yourself and your marriage to help make the transition smoother and your overall experience more enjoyable.

The second group of folks who wake up with the baby jitters are those who are in the middle of the hurricane…They are about to just about give up on their marriage…They are about to give up on their ability to feel joy and be happy again…But the thought of a baby may be that one thing that can give their marriage a jump start…It may be that one thing that can restore their happiness…It may be that one thing that would make them happy and feel complete…OR so they think…Boy they could not be more wrong!

My dear friends, having a child does not complete you…You are already whole! And if you don’t already feel whole then you need to do some introspection…Because there will come a time when your baby will grow up, move out and you would feel incomplete again…Your marriage would be shallow and there will be nothing to sustain it…The child acted as a crutch to make you believe you were whole…or make your broken marriage feel whole..BUT that is impossible to be self-sustaining. If these couples even make it to the empty nest stage they often end up depressed and divorced. Statistically the highest divorce rates occur during the first 7 years or during the empty nest stage…Can you guess why? In these marriages, one partner usually builds their lives around their children. Everything they do is for their child…Nothing for themselves or their marriage. Besides going through the same shock as the first couple when their baby arrives, these couples’ weaknesses become more prominent. That’s the thing about a child…It is a stressor…And stressors highlight your strengths and weaknesses…So if you go in weak, you are only going to feel weaker.

Some may argue that there is no right time to have a child…But I disagree. That is like saying there is no right time to get married…Well you wouldn’t want to see your 14 year old getting married now would you? I have a few pointers that I have acquired from my couples class and books I have read on the topic. Here is a few:

• Have a strong and healthy marriage. This point is as broad as it is wide…But succinctly, a strong marriage consists of two individuals who are committed to serving each other’s needs. They work hard to please each other and engage in healthy communication where conflict is dealt with constructively.

• The marriage consists of two whole individuals where one person is not dependent on the other for their happiness. They are able to have a life independent of their partner. This may be as simple as having same sex friends, participating in a sport etc.

• There is a healthy engagement with each other. This can range from regular date nights, participating in a sport together, or just enjoying each other’s company in various arenas.

• A network of friends and family. This is a major one…These are the folks you can count on to babysit, lend a shoulder to cry, or give you words of wisdom…Don’t take these folks for granted. If you are considering having a child, consider making a regular schedule of date nights. It’s a must!

• Money. We know kids are expensive…So it would be helpful if you are actually able to afford to have a child before you have one. Not having sufficient finances can add major stress on your relationship.

• When making your household budget, be sure to include date night and babysitting as a line item. I have seen where couples add $1,200 for the baby and not $1 for themselves. You need to have that alone time with each other where you can restore yourself and intimacy with your spouse. Again that network of friends and family can come in handy when planning date night on a budget.

• Talk, talk, and talk some more. But make sure to talk about the REAL stuff…Talk about mood swings, depression, low sex drive, severe tiredness…And then talk about your action plan to overcome these things…And when you are done talking, talk some more!

• Husbands…know that you are going to have to step up! Regardless of what your view is on women, please lend a hand with the laundry, cleaning, cooking, baby feeding, etc. This is probably the number ONE characteristic of a couple who can gracefully transition to parenthood…It’s not going to be easy, and you won’t always have a smile on your face…But you would survive and even thrive. The best gift you can give your child is a happy marriage.