People say marriage is HARD!….It’s no easy street….It’s not all it’s cracked out to be…But why? I wonder to myself why marriage can’t be easy?…Why can’t be easy street?…And why can’t it be something that gets better with time…Like wine…??
I have been married for 4 years. And I must confess that I have had an easy four years compared to what others have experienced. I sometimes wonder when my turn will come…When I would wake up to realize that I no longer love my husband. Or when he would no longer love me? Yes, I wonder these things…because I do not understand how so many romantics end up bitter and divorced in less than 7 years. I’m tearful and sad as I think about what the devil is doing to our families...And what he is doing to my friends…:-(
My husband and I talked about some reasons several marriages dwindle and die. One of the major contributing factors to a dying marriage is unresolved conflict. There are times when we must turn a blind eye so we don’t go “crazy.” That’s called, “not sweating the small stuff.” So he forgot to take out the garbage, or he didn’t wash his dinner plate…Or maybe she is fussing at you because the kids are up past their bedtime, or she is closing the church building when you are ready to go home. You get the gist…The small stuff in the grand scheme of things should not break your relationship…And is usually not worth the negative energy we sometimes display. You can control your reaction, and tell yourself that I have a good man, or a good woman. Ladies, if you have a man who loves you more than anything, and actively tries to please you, cut him some slack if or when he messes up. Likewise men, you know if you have a woman who is serving you and treating you like a king, indulge her seemingly insignificant requests if it would make her happy. Don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out how pointless your spouse’s request is and trying to convince them why they need to “lay off!”
But there are times and situations that warrant us to actively engage in conflict. Your relationship will determine what these conflicts are. I say anything that can potentially threaten the happiness of your marriage you should deal with it. I asked my husband how he determines what is worth battling over and what is worth leaving alone. He said that if he is unable to put aside the negative situation permanently and NEVER give it a second thought, then it’s worth bring up. He said for him, if he thinks about the situation and decides to leave it alone, but later he thinks about it again, then he knows that he needs to deal with it. I told him that he is a conflict avoider (UNLIKE me!) and that he never really brings up negative situations to me…But during the course of an argument, it comes bolting out de door…Which only adds fuel to the fire. He did acknowledge that he has done that but has promised to deal with conflict there and then.
In his words…When you deal with conflict as it occurs its help your relationship to grow. In the process of dealing with conflict you move closer as a couple because it forces you to concur a problem. During this process you also develop a certain skill set that will make it easier to move through different levels of conflict with greater ease. Too many times we end up cheating ourselves of this growth when we avoid conflict. These basic skills are exactly what is needed to create a happy and healthy marriage.
Avoiding conflict can take many forms…It can be straight up avoiding negative situations all together. You feel upset, but you keep those upset feelings to yourself…You may say that you just can’t bother to deal with the stress, so you chose to avoid it. Eventually these suppressed feelings manifest itself in a way that is often unhealthy for the relationship. Sometimes it’s used to add fuel to the fire and not really deal with the situation at hand.
We may think that people who avoid conflict are often quiet in nature…not loud mouths like me. However I believe that conflict avoiders can make noise too. The problem is the noise does not yield any positive results. I think I may have found myself in this situation on several occasions. Often times the “noise” is just sounds of frustration. Sometimes the only thing it serves to do is berate or disrespect our spouse. After we have said our “peace” we leave it alone. Yes, we may have acknowledged that there is a problem, but we never made any movements towards resolving the conflict. In essence, there was a problem, we yelled at our spouse, and then we swept it under the rug until the next time another problem pops up. Can you imagine if these problems crop up every day? Can you imagine what that “noise” does to your spouse? Would it be better to work towards resolving the conflict once and for all, than fight about it every day? Here is a real life example. I am somewhat of a neat freak. I don’t enjoy the process of cleaning but I love a clean home. My husband also enjoys a clean home…the problem is he also enjoys it when its messed up too. In other words, he’s not going to care if the bed isn’t made, or the dishes sit in the sink a few days. So let’s pretend that there are some dirty dishes sitting in the sink for 3 days. At this point I am upset that he has not washed up as promised. As he walks through the door I greet him with a complaint. “Why you aint wash de wears yet!?” I am sure he was looking forward to such a warm welcome. His response, “sorry hon, I forgot.” Me – “WHAT YOU MEAN YOU FORGET!? YOU DIDN’T JUST DROP A PLATE IN THERE THIS MORNING! DIDN’T YOU SEE THE SINK THEN!” He gets silent, I go upstairs. In this situation I have managed to confront the conflict and avoid it at the same time. I pout for a few hours, and then I am “back to normal.” The following week we repeat the same cycle. After a few years of this my mild feelings of annoyance will turn into a mountain of frustration…Before long, my husband would not be looking forward to coming home. Making noise is a good way to avoid dealing with conflict.
So what’s a good way to resolve this situation? Firstly, start by communicating with your spouse how much it means to you when he helps out. Let him know your desires, never assume he should know. Try to establish a routine…Maybe after dinner we both would put the dishes in the dishwasher. Decide on something that is practical for both of you. After a 12 hour day I wouldn’t want to wash dishes either…Listen to your spouse too…You want him to care about your wants or desires…be respectful of his wants or desires. He has every right to come home and just unwind in peace. Give him that. It’s all about meeting each other’s needs, not just your needs. Remember, you care more about the dishes than he does, so make sure to thank him for taking the time to help you. Don’t ever have an attitude of, “why should I thank him for something that he is SUPPOSED to do?” Truth be told, he does not HAVE to do anything. God gave everyone free choice. He is choosing to love you, just like you are choosing to serve him. Whenever I serve my husband’s food he says, “thank you baby.” That makes me feel that he appreciates my efforts to serve him, and he enjoys it. Sometimes I feel so good I’ll wash the dishes! LOL!
Another way of avoiding conflict is denial…Denying that there is a major problem in the relationship and downplaying it as one of the “small stuff.” You might tell yourself that if you make yourself okay with the insane situation, then everything would be okay. You don’t acknowledge how bad your situation really is. For example, your spouse comes home and tells you that he/she is moving to another country for work “with or without you.” You are in the middle of completing your PhD and cannot believe why your spouse would abandon you without any thought for you or discussion with you. After expressing your frustration with the situation, you eventually decide to “leave it alone” and stop “complaining” to your spouse. You tell yourself that your spouse is okay with moving away, otherwise he/she would not have chosen to move. In the end you decide to resolve the situation by moving with your spouse. However you have not dealt with the conflict presented in this relationship at all. In essence you have placed a Band-Aid on wound that needed major surgery! Here are several things that need addressing in this scenario…
• Communication – Both partners in this relationship need to learn basic communication skills. Perhaps the spouse in denial needs to learn how to effectively communicate problems and concerns.
• Respect for your spouse as an equal partner – Is one person more important than the other? By making life changing decisions without consulting your partner you have determined that you are more important.
• Compromise - it seems like the spouse who wants to move had made up their mind already – it’s my way or the highway! There was no room for compromise because there was no discussion before a decision was made.
• Love –When we truly examine what love really means in a marriage, we can see that this was clearly missing….on both sides…Yes, both sides. I think it’s obvious how love was missing with the spouse who decided to move with or without their counterpart. In a marriage, love is not that romantic feeling you feel in the pit of your stomach. Love in a marriage, is serving your mate, trying to fulfill their needs, putting yourself second and esteeming your mate better than yourself. Can you imagine when two people treat each other this way? Both parties actively trying to make the other happy first and foremost. That is a marriage made in heaven. And that was clearly missing. But, what about the partner who received the bitter end of the stick? How was love missing there? Love was missing because he/she chose to ignore major problems in the relationship. Problems that will eventually stifle a relationship and cause it to die.
Love is what motivates me to deal with conflict. Love is what motivates me to deal with tough situations in my marriage. Love is what makes me cry my heart out to my mate so we can reign triumphant and become a better, and stronger couple.
God provides situations (conflict) to help our relationships grow, to teach us the true meaning of love, and create a deeper more meaningful relationship with our mate than we can ever imagine. God allows us to experience conflict, so we can experience true happiness in our marriage. When we deal with conflict, and not avoid it, we have consciously made a decision to safe guard our marriage and build a strong relationship that the devil will never shake.
Conflict is not always easy to deal with. Sometimes we may even find ourselves in situations where we are going in circles, and never able to communicate effectively about what is bothering us. In those situations, never be too proud to seek help. Help can come in the form of a therapist who can provide the couple with basic skills in communication and dealing with conflict in a positive way. Is your relationship worth this investment? Relationship books also provide a great resource for tips and best practices. Would you make the time to read so you can build and grow your relationship? And of course, never forget the power of prayer. With a constant focus of developing your spiritual self, you will always be presented with life challenges that lead you straight to JESUS. Thankfully God has given us so many resources to help us. Now it’s up to us to accept the challenge.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Forgiveness
I used to think that forgiveness was easy and I didn’t have a problem with this. I have said that I have never not forgiven someone who asked for forgiveness. But what about those who don’t ask for forgiveness? What about them? How do we forgive those who either don’t know they hurt us or simply don’t care? Can we say like Jesus, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”?
I asked a friend recently, “Can I rightly divorce my cheating husband if I forgive him?” He said, “forgiveness should mean that you no longer hold the unfaithful act to his account. To divorce him would mean that you are still holding his sin to his account and that means forgiveness wasn't really present.”
But then why would God create a legitimate avenue for divorce that in essence would be hinged on sin (unforgiveness)??
Think of forgiving a baby sitter who sexually abused your child. That person, though forgiven may never baby sit your child again. But if God's love is present that we would make sure that person is supported while they receive the help they need...and not cast aside never to be spoken to again. Right?
Somewhere along the way someone told us that forgiving someone was as easy as saying, “I forgive you.” A one time act that magically takes away our hurt and heart aches. An act that prevents us from dwelling on the past and moving forward with the future. Ohhh, but if it were so easy. Remember I started by saying that I thought I didn’t have a problem with this? Well, I must confess that I do.
Because we may think that forgiveness is a onetime act of saying “you are forgiven” we fool ourselves into thinking that since we are still hurt, upset, and crushed by what happened we can just ignore the person. They don’t need to be part of our lives to hurt us anymore. We say, “I can forgive you, but I don’t have to talk to you anymore.” I am not sure if this reflects the Christ like attitude Jesus wants us to have. Can you imagine if God forgave us but didn’t talk to us anymore? Or said that he forgave us but just to prevent Himself from being hurt he has chosen to cut us off?
I have recently had several human interactions that have challenged my ability to forgive. One being my oldest sister and a couple of my friends. I reached a point in my relationship with my sister where I was simply tired of her talking down to me…speaking to me as if I were some child….I was tired of being bullied by her. This may be the classic case of “forgive them for they know not what they do.” Maybe she has no clue how her actions has negatively impacted me. Maybe she thinks that she is justified. Maybe she is just being herself – a bossy mother hen. Well, November 2009 marked the last time I communicated with her. It was a harsh exchange of emails, that I eventually chose not to respond to. And so Christmas, New Years, birthdays and anniversaries have passed and we have not spoken. I chose to do this. This was a conscious decision on my part…Because I was tired…I was tired of her talking down to me…and I just could not deal with it anymore. So where does forgiveness come into play? How can I forgive her if she does not even acknowledge her follies? Should I tell her how I feel? Would she even care? I think that forgiveness is not a onetime act that we were taught, but it is a work in progress. It begins with admitting that you need to forgive – even when the person who offended you does not ask for forgiveness. You say to yourself that regardless of if they even admit they are wrong, or if they ask for forgiveness, I will forgive them. But how do you do that? It sounds really nice and “spiritual” but practically, how do you move to that point.
Well, I think that in getting to that point means that I have to work on me. I have to acknowledge that I, just like her, have faults…many I may never see…I, just like her, have hurt someone…and may never know…I, just like her, may have a lot on my plate, that I just need grace and mercy. That acknowledgement puts me in a better place. And it puts it back on me. God commanded me to love, He commanded me to forgive…regardless of what the other person does. So, I need to work on me. Maybe I need to work on being more vocal about my feelings when she offends me. Maybe I need to work on patience and endurance. MAYBE, I need to work through my feelings of hurt and pain and NOT ignore it!
One of the things that make forgiveness so difficult is that we do not give people enough time to work through their hurt and pain. We expect that they should forgive and forget in an instant! Almost ignoring their heartache. But it is perfectly acceptable to admit that we need time to work through our feelings. Perhaps a prayerful attitude can help this along. The key is not to ignore your feelings…Because that can turn into ignoring the person. A quick fix, but not necessarily the right fix…To say that we have forgiven someone yet ignore them is not forgiveness…it is us taking the easy way out.
Last year a good friend of mine stood me up. I travelled 3 hours (while in another country) to see him and never saw him! I called, texted, called and texted! No response! And no response days after…And no response weeks after…And no response months after… I was HURT to say the least. I emailed him and told him how hurt and disappointed I was…no response…Three months later I wrote him again, asking him for some type of explanation…and told me he could not give me an explanation and just said he was sorry. I told him I deserved some type of explanation for what he did…He never responded. In that correspondence, I told him that at this point I did not care about his apologies. I simply wanted to know what happened, why you didn’t text me to say something…or why did you take 3 months to respond??? I told him that our friendship was hanging in the balance because I was not sure if we could still be friends if he could trample over my feelings without explaining why…NO RESPONSE…
Then HE wrote me in July, saying that he was sorry but still refused to give me an explanation. He remains adamant about not giving me ANY type of explanation as to why he stood me up, why he never responded to my text, why he never emailed me when I emailed him a couple weeks later, or why he took 3 months to respond to my emails.
So he has asked for forgiveness, and I thought I had forgiven him….But at this point I no longer want to be his friend. AT this point, I no longer trust him with my heart/feelings…He is one of the FEW male friends I had. One of the few brothers that I loved so much…One of the few people that I thought I could still count out…who had my back… But he has proven that I can’t count on him. Almost a year later, and I still feel like how I felt that faithful October weekend…Tearful and sad…
Have I truly forgiven?
He is still my brother in Christ…And by that love should govern our relationship. Christ’s love. Therefore I should and will treat him like any brother or sister…with love…The crazy thing about Christ’s love is that it calls us to love each other…kinda the same way we love our friends.
Forgiveness – a work in progress…I will start with the acknowledgement that I need to work on me in order to truly forgive you.
I asked a friend recently, “Can I rightly divorce my cheating husband if I forgive him?” He said, “forgiveness should mean that you no longer hold the unfaithful act to his account. To divorce him would mean that you are still holding his sin to his account and that means forgiveness wasn't really present.”
But then why would God create a legitimate avenue for divorce that in essence would be hinged on sin (unforgiveness)??
Think of forgiving a baby sitter who sexually abused your child. That person, though forgiven may never baby sit your child again. But if God's love is present that we would make sure that person is supported while they receive the help they need...and not cast aside never to be spoken to again. Right?
Somewhere along the way someone told us that forgiving someone was as easy as saying, “I forgive you.” A one time act that magically takes away our hurt and heart aches. An act that prevents us from dwelling on the past and moving forward with the future. Ohhh, but if it were so easy. Remember I started by saying that I thought I didn’t have a problem with this? Well, I must confess that I do.
Because we may think that forgiveness is a onetime act of saying “you are forgiven” we fool ourselves into thinking that since we are still hurt, upset, and crushed by what happened we can just ignore the person. They don’t need to be part of our lives to hurt us anymore. We say, “I can forgive you, but I don’t have to talk to you anymore.” I am not sure if this reflects the Christ like attitude Jesus wants us to have. Can you imagine if God forgave us but didn’t talk to us anymore? Or said that he forgave us but just to prevent Himself from being hurt he has chosen to cut us off?
I have recently had several human interactions that have challenged my ability to forgive. One being my oldest sister and a couple of my friends. I reached a point in my relationship with my sister where I was simply tired of her talking down to me…speaking to me as if I were some child….I was tired of being bullied by her. This may be the classic case of “forgive them for they know not what they do.” Maybe she has no clue how her actions has negatively impacted me. Maybe she thinks that she is justified. Maybe she is just being herself – a bossy mother hen. Well, November 2009 marked the last time I communicated with her. It was a harsh exchange of emails, that I eventually chose not to respond to. And so Christmas, New Years, birthdays and anniversaries have passed and we have not spoken. I chose to do this. This was a conscious decision on my part…Because I was tired…I was tired of her talking down to me…and I just could not deal with it anymore. So where does forgiveness come into play? How can I forgive her if she does not even acknowledge her follies? Should I tell her how I feel? Would she even care? I think that forgiveness is not a onetime act that we were taught, but it is a work in progress. It begins with admitting that you need to forgive – even when the person who offended you does not ask for forgiveness. You say to yourself that regardless of if they even admit they are wrong, or if they ask for forgiveness, I will forgive them. But how do you do that? It sounds really nice and “spiritual” but practically, how do you move to that point.
Well, I think that in getting to that point means that I have to work on me. I have to acknowledge that I, just like her, have faults…many I may never see…I, just like her, have hurt someone…and may never know…I, just like her, may have a lot on my plate, that I just need grace and mercy. That acknowledgement puts me in a better place. And it puts it back on me. God commanded me to love, He commanded me to forgive…regardless of what the other person does. So, I need to work on me. Maybe I need to work on being more vocal about my feelings when she offends me. Maybe I need to work on patience and endurance. MAYBE, I need to work through my feelings of hurt and pain and NOT ignore it!
One of the things that make forgiveness so difficult is that we do not give people enough time to work through their hurt and pain. We expect that they should forgive and forget in an instant! Almost ignoring their heartache. But it is perfectly acceptable to admit that we need time to work through our feelings. Perhaps a prayerful attitude can help this along. The key is not to ignore your feelings…Because that can turn into ignoring the person. A quick fix, but not necessarily the right fix…To say that we have forgiven someone yet ignore them is not forgiveness…it is us taking the easy way out.
Last year a good friend of mine stood me up. I travelled 3 hours (while in another country) to see him and never saw him! I called, texted, called and texted! No response! And no response days after…And no response weeks after…And no response months after… I was HURT to say the least. I emailed him and told him how hurt and disappointed I was…no response…Three months later I wrote him again, asking him for some type of explanation…and told me he could not give me an explanation and just said he was sorry. I told him I deserved some type of explanation for what he did…He never responded. In that correspondence, I told him that at this point I did not care about his apologies. I simply wanted to know what happened, why you didn’t text me to say something…or why did you take 3 months to respond??? I told him that our friendship was hanging in the balance because I was not sure if we could still be friends if he could trample over my feelings without explaining why…NO RESPONSE…
Then HE wrote me in July, saying that he was sorry but still refused to give me an explanation. He remains adamant about not giving me ANY type of explanation as to why he stood me up, why he never responded to my text, why he never emailed me when I emailed him a couple weeks later, or why he took 3 months to respond to my emails.
So he has asked for forgiveness, and I thought I had forgiven him….But at this point I no longer want to be his friend. AT this point, I no longer trust him with my heart/feelings…He is one of the FEW male friends I had. One of the few brothers that I loved so much…One of the few people that I thought I could still count out…who had my back… But he has proven that I can’t count on him. Almost a year later, and I still feel like how I felt that faithful October weekend…Tearful and sad…
Have I truly forgiven?
He is still my brother in Christ…And by that love should govern our relationship. Christ’s love. Therefore I should and will treat him like any brother or sister…with love…The crazy thing about Christ’s love is that it calls us to love each other…kinda the same way we love our friends.
Forgiveness – a work in progress…I will start with the acknowledgement that I need to work on me in order to truly forgive you.
Humble Beginnings
In 1998 I met Jared at the28th annual Caribbean Lectureship that was hosted in my home country of Trinidad. We were both 17 years old at the time. He came with his parents along with the Mona Acapella choir from Jamaica. Our paths crossed thanks to my best friend, Tammy. She introduced “Brother Kiddoe’s” son to me. She knew of him because his dad stayed at their house a couple years aback.
Well, at the time I had a boyfriend so I was not interested in anything romantic. A little naïve, I asked if we could be friends. Well, mister had something else in mind and said that if he can’t have me then we can’t be friends. HOW IMMATURE! Humph! We spent a bit of time during the lectureship getting to know each other. Again, I just wanted to be friends…but he wanted more. We exchanged contact info the last day. Over the next two years I probable wrote him a couple times and spoke to him on the phone a couple times. Nothing serious. He told me that he was planning to attend college in the U.S. Ironically, I wanted to study abroad myself!
Two years later the lectureship was being host by the Church of Christ in St. Lucia. I made plans to attend and called him a couple weeks before to find out if he was going. He said he was not sure. Ah well, I was just excited to venture out of the country to see another beautiful island! By that time I was fourteen months into my second relationship. A relationship characterized by turmoil and utter frustration, while at the same time deeply attached to each other. At 19 I already had in mind that I would marry him…We had joint accounts and everything! But there was something wrong…We argued more than we had fun…But he was a budding preacher…and good brother…But something was not right…I cried more than I smiled. I was frustrated by the image of appear to be a great couple when I knew we were not!!! Something was wrong.
When I went to the Caribbean Lectureship in St. Lucia and I figured out what was wrong…I had lost myself in this man. I had depended on him for my happiness…I was looking for him to give me what no one could give me…happiness. As I attended the lectures and fellowshipped with the saints, my soul was on a spiritual high…And for the first time in a LONG time, I was at peace, I was happy. I am thankful for this Lectureship because it changed the course of my life. At 19, I honestly thought I was destined to be unhappy. I thought that he was the best I could do and I would just have to live like this…unhappy.
Sunday we went to worship (the first day of the lectureship) and there was Jared! Yaaay! You made it! What a pleasant surprise :-). We hung out with each other for the entire lectureship. I was mesmerized by his witty charm. For a brief moment I had forgotten about my dreadful relationship. Until he called…Yep, he called me just to see how I was doing…And I was UP-SET! “Why are you calling me!? Can’t I get a break!?” That is when it hit me…He was not the one for me…I know I can be happy because I am happy right now…Happy to be away from you…Crazy! As soon as I got back to Trinidad at the end of that week I told him that I can’t do it anymore…I can’t continue with our relationship. And we ended a 14 month relationship. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do…We were soooo connected…We were physically connected…and I think dysfunction attracts dysfunction.
I told myself that this year is for me…Just for me…to work on me, to work on my relationship with God, and to learn to be happy with myself, by myself. Jared and I acknowledged that we liked each other, but I made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship. I did not want him to be the rebound man. So we remained friends. And for that year we talked on line, kept in touch and just worked on getting to know each other as friends. That December I traveled to Jamaica to visit with him. I almost went to Grenada instead but thank God that didn’t work out :-).
Funny story – When I went to JA, I told Jared that we could not be together because I wanted to be a preacher’s wife…And since he wanted to be a doctor, we could not work out. Hahahaha. I was serious too. That was probably the day after Christmas and poor Jared was depressed. We continued as friends, and I eventually grew to realize that I should be with someone for who they are, not their profession. By the following summer, Jared came to Trinidad and we became “official” at age 20. We dated long distance for 5 years. Two of those years I was in Trinidad and he was in Texas! The other three years, I was in SC and he was in NC.
At age 25 we jumped the broom and we have been happily married for 4 years. I look at him and I can’t help but think that I picked the right one!!
Last week we went to the 40th annual Caribbean Lectureship that was held in Trinidad. It was great to go back to where we started. Two ditsy 17 year old…From since that time so much has changed. I graduated high school, did A’Levels, went to Preaching School for two years…Came to the U.S. and completed my undergrad in 3 years, got married, started working, completed my MSW, bought a house and car, got a promotion…Jared graduated from ACU with a Biochemistry degree…then went to Duke Med and came out with a M.D. AND M.A. in Psychology. He is now in his 3rd year of residency and is practicing in the field of Psychiatry. I would have never imagined how the Lord would have led us to where we are now…God is amazing.
Last week at the Caribbean lectureship, Jared (with my assistance) presented a 3 day parenting workshop. He feels so passionate about making a difference and felt that the one sure way to make a difference is to start with the parents. Since he eventually wants to work with children, he knows that it is almost impossible to work with a child if their parents are not on board. They can undo all the good that was done in therapy. So he thought what better way to help, than to teach parents how to be better parents…And then they can raise better children…And ultimately strengthen our communities. He has invested a lot of time and energy researching the parenting field, and sourcing materials that have been evidenced based. It was amazing to see how someone so young, with no kids of his own, be able to use his professional experience in working with this families, and his education background, to translate that into something the church can benefit from.
The feedback from the class was excellent! One sister even said that she has to go home and apologize to her two kids (17 & 24). WOW. That alone told me that the class was successful. To God be the glory!
I am so proud of you honey…And proud to see our humble beginnings. I cannot wait to see what the future will hold and how the Lord will continue to use us to strengthen his church.
Well, at the time I had a boyfriend so I was not interested in anything romantic. A little naïve, I asked if we could be friends. Well, mister had something else in mind and said that if he can’t have me then we can’t be friends. HOW IMMATURE! Humph! We spent a bit of time during the lectureship getting to know each other. Again, I just wanted to be friends…but he wanted more. We exchanged contact info the last day. Over the next two years I probable wrote him a couple times and spoke to him on the phone a couple times. Nothing serious. He told me that he was planning to attend college in the U.S. Ironically, I wanted to study abroad myself!
Two years later the lectureship was being host by the Church of Christ in St. Lucia. I made plans to attend and called him a couple weeks before to find out if he was going. He said he was not sure. Ah well, I was just excited to venture out of the country to see another beautiful island! By that time I was fourteen months into my second relationship. A relationship characterized by turmoil and utter frustration, while at the same time deeply attached to each other. At 19 I already had in mind that I would marry him…We had joint accounts and everything! But there was something wrong…We argued more than we had fun…But he was a budding preacher…and good brother…But something was not right…I cried more than I smiled. I was frustrated by the image of appear to be a great couple when I knew we were not!!! Something was wrong.
When I went to the Caribbean Lectureship in St. Lucia and I figured out what was wrong…I had lost myself in this man. I had depended on him for my happiness…I was looking for him to give me what no one could give me…happiness. As I attended the lectures and fellowshipped with the saints, my soul was on a spiritual high…And for the first time in a LONG time, I was at peace, I was happy. I am thankful for this Lectureship because it changed the course of my life. At 19, I honestly thought I was destined to be unhappy. I thought that he was the best I could do and I would just have to live like this…unhappy.
Sunday we went to worship (the first day of the lectureship) and there was Jared! Yaaay! You made it! What a pleasant surprise :-). We hung out with each other for the entire lectureship. I was mesmerized by his witty charm. For a brief moment I had forgotten about my dreadful relationship. Until he called…Yep, he called me just to see how I was doing…And I was UP-SET! “Why are you calling me!? Can’t I get a break!?” That is when it hit me…He was not the one for me…I know I can be happy because I am happy right now…Happy to be away from you…Crazy! As soon as I got back to Trinidad at the end of that week I told him that I can’t do it anymore…I can’t continue with our relationship. And we ended a 14 month relationship. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do…We were soooo connected…We were physically connected…and I think dysfunction attracts dysfunction.
I told myself that this year is for me…Just for me…to work on me, to work on my relationship with God, and to learn to be happy with myself, by myself. Jared and I acknowledged that we liked each other, but I made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship. I did not want him to be the rebound man. So we remained friends. And for that year we talked on line, kept in touch and just worked on getting to know each other as friends. That December I traveled to Jamaica to visit with him. I almost went to Grenada instead but thank God that didn’t work out :-).
Funny story – When I went to JA, I told Jared that we could not be together because I wanted to be a preacher’s wife…And since he wanted to be a doctor, we could not work out. Hahahaha. I was serious too. That was probably the day after Christmas and poor Jared was depressed. We continued as friends, and I eventually grew to realize that I should be with someone for who they are, not their profession. By the following summer, Jared came to Trinidad and we became “official” at age 20. We dated long distance for 5 years. Two of those years I was in Trinidad and he was in Texas! The other three years, I was in SC and he was in NC.
At age 25 we jumped the broom and we have been happily married for 4 years. I look at him and I can’t help but think that I picked the right one!!
Last week we went to the 40th annual Caribbean Lectureship that was held in Trinidad. It was great to go back to where we started. Two ditsy 17 year old…From since that time so much has changed. I graduated high school, did A’Levels, went to Preaching School for two years…Came to the U.S. and completed my undergrad in 3 years, got married, started working, completed my MSW, bought a house and car, got a promotion…Jared graduated from ACU with a Biochemistry degree…then went to Duke Med and came out with a M.D. AND M.A. in Psychology. He is now in his 3rd year of residency and is practicing in the field of Psychiatry. I would have never imagined how the Lord would have led us to where we are now…God is amazing.
Last week at the Caribbean lectureship, Jared (with my assistance) presented a 3 day parenting workshop. He feels so passionate about making a difference and felt that the one sure way to make a difference is to start with the parents. Since he eventually wants to work with children, he knows that it is almost impossible to work with a child if their parents are not on board. They can undo all the good that was done in therapy. So he thought what better way to help, than to teach parents how to be better parents…And then they can raise better children…And ultimately strengthen our communities. He has invested a lot of time and energy researching the parenting field, and sourcing materials that have been evidenced based. It was amazing to see how someone so young, with no kids of his own, be able to use his professional experience in working with this families, and his education background, to translate that into something the church can benefit from.
The feedback from the class was excellent! One sister even said that she has to go home and apologize to her two kids (17 & 24). WOW. That alone told me that the class was successful. To God be the glory!
I am so proud of you honey…And proud to see our humble beginnings. I cannot wait to see what the future will hold and how the Lord will continue to use us to strengthen his church.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Memoirs of a Wife
The day before the wedding-
I must be the luckiest woman in the world. I can’t believe the day is almost here!!! I have dreamed about this moment ever since I was a little girl, and it could not be more perfect! I know he is going to make me happy forever…He is a strong man of God. He comes from a good Christian family, he grew up in the church. I know he will lead our family and remain faithful to me and to God. He’s the perfect gentleman too! He is an example to so many people in church. They all look up to him…And guess what…HE’s MINE!!!
The honeymoon-
I am married to this chocolate hunk of a brother! He’s is so fine! I just want him to hold me, and cuddle with me…Let me just sit here and savor this moment…this is just pure bliss…perfection…And on top of that we get to do this forever. I’m so in love!
After the honeymoon-
I hope I will be able to make him happy. I have to get used to this new life…I want to serve him and support him…But I wonder sometimes if I am doing things right. Sometimes I feel like I am not being a good wife because I don’t cook all the time. I am not used to waking up at 5am and making breakfast, cooking dinner, and cleaning all the time…I hope he thinks I’m okay.
Beyond the honeymoon-
It would be nice if every once in a while he offered to help me with the chores!! We talked about this before we got married and he agreed that he would take out the trash and do the dishes…I just don’t get it! Why is he not living up to his end of the bargain!? Why does he think that I am the only one responsible for this!? Ugh! It just drives me crazy!!
Then he has the AUDACITY to tell me that he does this and that and I don’t acknowledge that…or tell him thanks. I just don’t understand why he thinks that he needs a thank you for something he is supposed to do…PLEASE! I don’t see him thanking me when I make the bed, or do laundry. But noooooo, the moment he does one little thing he is waiting for me to pat him on his back. Next thing he will be expecting me to thank him for brushing his teeth or taking a shower. No, this is just ridiculous now!
OK, and what is up with this intimacy thing…GOOD NIGHT! He can’t expect that I will always be available and on call whenever he wants it! After I go to work all day, and spend so much time cooking and cleaning…I’m tired man! I can’t even remember the last time he just held me…and cuddled. It’s like the romance went out the door! HELLO!
I’ll end with this one…
You know, I am starting to wonder if this man really went to school…Because sometimes its like he does not use his brain!! The other day he invited his parents over WITHOUT consulting with me first. I come home, thinking that I am going to relax after a long and taxing work week and low and behold I see his parents sitting on my couch! I understand that they don’t visit often, but I think it’s just wrong for him not to tell me they were coming. First of all the house was a mess…They probably think I am a bad wife…and then I just was not mentally prepared to have these people in my space. This is not the first time he has done this and it just pisses me off!
Can’t he just try to do better? Why should I have to hit the ceiling and the roof before he hears what I am saying!! UGH he makes me so mad sometimes!!!
Where is the man I married!?
I must be the luckiest woman in the world. I can’t believe the day is almost here!!! I have dreamed about this moment ever since I was a little girl, and it could not be more perfect! I know he is going to make me happy forever…He is a strong man of God. He comes from a good Christian family, he grew up in the church. I know he will lead our family and remain faithful to me and to God. He’s the perfect gentleman too! He is an example to so many people in church. They all look up to him…And guess what…HE’s MINE!!!
The honeymoon-
I am married to this chocolate hunk of a brother! He’s is so fine! I just want him to hold me, and cuddle with me…Let me just sit here and savor this moment…this is just pure bliss…perfection…And on top of that we get to do this forever. I’m so in love!
After the honeymoon-
I hope I will be able to make him happy. I have to get used to this new life…I want to serve him and support him…But I wonder sometimes if I am doing things right. Sometimes I feel like I am not being a good wife because I don’t cook all the time. I am not used to waking up at 5am and making breakfast, cooking dinner, and cleaning all the time…I hope he thinks I’m okay.
Beyond the honeymoon-
It would be nice if every once in a while he offered to help me with the chores!! We talked about this before we got married and he agreed that he would take out the trash and do the dishes…I just don’t get it! Why is he not living up to his end of the bargain!? Why does he think that I am the only one responsible for this!? Ugh! It just drives me crazy!!
Then he has the AUDACITY to tell me that he does this and that and I don’t acknowledge that…or tell him thanks. I just don’t understand why he thinks that he needs a thank you for something he is supposed to do…PLEASE! I don’t see him thanking me when I make the bed, or do laundry. But noooooo, the moment he does one little thing he is waiting for me to pat him on his back. Next thing he will be expecting me to thank him for brushing his teeth or taking a shower. No, this is just ridiculous now!
OK, and what is up with this intimacy thing…GOOD NIGHT! He can’t expect that I will always be available and on call whenever he wants it! After I go to work all day, and spend so much time cooking and cleaning…I’m tired man! I can’t even remember the last time he just held me…and cuddled. It’s like the romance went out the door! HELLO!
I’ll end with this one…
You know, I am starting to wonder if this man really went to school…Because sometimes its like he does not use his brain!! The other day he invited his parents over WITHOUT consulting with me first. I come home, thinking that I am going to relax after a long and taxing work week and low and behold I see his parents sitting on my couch! I understand that they don’t visit often, but I think it’s just wrong for him not to tell me they were coming. First of all the house was a mess…They probably think I am a bad wife…and then I just was not mentally prepared to have these people in my space. This is not the first time he has done this and it just pisses me off!
Can’t he just try to do better? Why should I have to hit the ceiling and the roof before he hears what I am saying!! UGH he makes me so mad sometimes!!!
Where is the man I married!?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Moving
This post is dedicated to my sisters who are faced with having to move in the not too distant future…
I lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my life. Sometime around age 20 or 21 I unofficially started living with my best friend and her family. It started off as weekend visits, that turned into every weekend, that turned into staying the week, that just turned into staying months…I am and will be eternally grateful to God and to the Harris family for their kind hospitality. But after 2 years of living there, and a wanting to move forward with my life, I was more than ready to leave...I had a boyfriend in the US and I was desperate to come to the US. By July 2003 we had a long distance relationship going for 2 years. Trust me; I was ready for a move…But as luck would have it, I didn’t get a scholarship to any of the schools I applied for. I knew that the ONLY way I could come to the U.S. was if I got a full ride…My hope was broken, and my chances of being together with the man I was hoping to marry one day was fading…Then…in July…of 2003…I got the letter…THE SCHOLARSHIP LETTER!
In August of 2003 I made the BIG MOVE…I left everything I knew, everything I was familiar with, and I left the place I had eventually grown to love…I left my church family and my friends who were near and dear to me…I left, but I was ready!! I was ready to be closer to my boy! Closer to my family! And closer to my living my own life!
I arrived at JFK in Aug 2003 and I feverishly looked for a familiar face…But I didn’t see anyone. Where was my family? They were supposed to pick me up at the airport! It was at that point I feel a bout of aloneness…I thought about my friends I left behind…And how I never once was abandoned at an airport. I dragged my luggage to a chair and cried for 45 minutes nonstop. I eventually pulled myself together and found the strength to walk to the nearby pay phone and called my step mom. At that point I was yelled at for not calling earlier and not telling them what airline I was coming in on. You see, coming from a small country, it didn’t matter what airline you came in on because everyone exits through the same door…OKAY, so NY was a little bigger than I imagined and I didn’t realize different flights have different exits and pick up points. But if they knew this, why didn’t they call and ask?
So, not exactly the warm welcome I was expecting…My heart longed for home…My heart missed home, my friends, my church family…I was sad.
I stayed in NY a few days and then flew to ATL. I was met by an old friend from Trinidad who drove me 3 hours to Columbia, SC. It’s amazing how friends can be more dependable that your own family. Anyway, I digress. When I got to Benedict College (BC) some lady told me that registration was closed and asked if I could come back tomorrow! So my friend was gracious enough to take me to his home 2 hours away! The next day I came back (in time) and got my room assignment. We went shopping for basic essentials (linens, pillows, towels, etc.) and my friend left…At that point that lonely feeling started creeping back in. But this is what I wanted…Right!?
I eventually settled in and met a few other international students. Truthfully, they were my source of sanity for the majority of my 3 year stint at BC. For the first two year at BC, I did not have ANY American friends in school. I did make a few friends at church…But I felt so different culturally…like an outsider…I just didn’t relate…and I really didn’t care to. I hated the school…and the mindlessness that I was surrounded by. I couldn’t wait to leave!
After two years I started to open up myself more…I started to see that there were good people amidst the mindlessness…and I made friends…American friends! I started to feel more settled and content. At the end of three years I was 25 years old, graduating and planning a wedding! Another major move and life step. As I thought about moving to North Carolina, I felt so sad that I cried. I cried because I was going to another place where I had no friends…I felt that I had finally established a support network that really helped me to survive BC, and I was leaving all that behind to go to a place where I didn’t have that. It took me so long before I finally found a church home where I was comfortable, and friends I could relate to even though they were not like me…And just as I was getting comfortable, it was time to leave. BUT AGAIN, this was a move that I was ready for. I was ready to leave BC and start my life as a married woman!
When I moved to NC in 2006 I determined that I would fight with all my will to fit in…AND not take 3 years to do so! I did not have a circle of international friends to make me comfortable and feel like home. Knowing that I was going to a strange place with no friends, I promised that I would not sit and feel sorry for myself. I promised that I would open myself to new people, I promised that I would plug myself in church right away, I promised that I would not wait to be invited out but invite others in, I promised that I would extend myself to others and give of myself to others. And with that promise my goal was achieved. Once we returned from our honeymoon, we were moving and shaking! Before we knew it we had friends, people over at our house, and active in the college ministry. I felt like I was part of something…And best of all, I did not feel different, excluded, or sitting on the outside looking in.
I don’t know when next we would have to move…I am guessing that three years from now the cards may shift when my husband completes his residency. The entire map of the U.S. will be at our fingertips and we would be able to pick, choose and refuse where we want to live.
Through these major life moves I have learnt that God always provides people in our lives who will be our cheerleaders, and support. The key is that we must remain open to what He provides. We have to put ourselves out there to get caught. And we have to be proactive and be bold about what we want.
The beauty about life is that we have no idea who our next best friends would be. We do not know who will enter our life never to depart…We don’t know who else is out there that we are going to love…and is going to love us. We do not know who is going to be our rock of support when we need it most. What we know is who we have in our life at this very moment. And sometimes we grow so content with our circle, that we forget that our circle was meant to expand. But rest assured that you have a lot of friends…many of whom you have yet meet :-)…once you keep yourself open.
As you go, entering into unfamiliar territory, go brave… knowing that God will unveil many wonderful surprises that will bless your life more than you imagine…They called friends.
I lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my life. Sometime around age 20 or 21 I unofficially started living with my best friend and her family. It started off as weekend visits, that turned into every weekend, that turned into staying the week, that just turned into staying months…I am and will be eternally grateful to God and to the Harris family for their kind hospitality. But after 2 years of living there, and a wanting to move forward with my life, I was more than ready to leave...I had a boyfriend in the US and I was desperate to come to the US. By July 2003 we had a long distance relationship going for 2 years. Trust me; I was ready for a move…But as luck would have it, I didn’t get a scholarship to any of the schools I applied for. I knew that the ONLY way I could come to the U.S. was if I got a full ride…My hope was broken, and my chances of being together with the man I was hoping to marry one day was fading…Then…in July…of 2003…I got the letter…THE SCHOLARSHIP LETTER!
In August of 2003 I made the BIG MOVE…I left everything I knew, everything I was familiar with, and I left the place I had eventually grown to love…I left my church family and my friends who were near and dear to me…I left, but I was ready!! I was ready to be closer to my boy! Closer to my family! And closer to my living my own life!
I arrived at JFK in Aug 2003 and I feverishly looked for a familiar face…But I didn’t see anyone. Where was my family? They were supposed to pick me up at the airport! It was at that point I feel a bout of aloneness…I thought about my friends I left behind…And how I never once was abandoned at an airport. I dragged my luggage to a chair and cried for 45 minutes nonstop. I eventually pulled myself together and found the strength to walk to the nearby pay phone and called my step mom. At that point I was yelled at for not calling earlier and not telling them what airline I was coming in on. You see, coming from a small country, it didn’t matter what airline you came in on because everyone exits through the same door…OKAY, so NY was a little bigger than I imagined and I didn’t realize different flights have different exits and pick up points. But if they knew this, why didn’t they call and ask?
So, not exactly the warm welcome I was expecting…My heart longed for home…My heart missed home, my friends, my church family…I was sad.
I stayed in NY a few days and then flew to ATL. I was met by an old friend from Trinidad who drove me 3 hours to Columbia, SC. It’s amazing how friends can be more dependable that your own family. Anyway, I digress. When I got to Benedict College (BC) some lady told me that registration was closed and asked if I could come back tomorrow! So my friend was gracious enough to take me to his home 2 hours away! The next day I came back (in time) and got my room assignment. We went shopping for basic essentials (linens, pillows, towels, etc.) and my friend left…At that point that lonely feeling started creeping back in. But this is what I wanted…Right!?
I eventually settled in and met a few other international students. Truthfully, they were my source of sanity for the majority of my 3 year stint at BC. For the first two year at BC, I did not have ANY American friends in school. I did make a few friends at church…But I felt so different culturally…like an outsider…I just didn’t relate…and I really didn’t care to. I hated the school…and the mindlessness that I was surrounded by. I couldn’t wait to leave!
After two years I started to open up myself more…I started to see that there were good people amidst the mindlessness…and I made friends…American friends! I started to feel more settled and content. At the end of three years I was 25 years old, graduating and planning a wedding! Another major move and life step. As I thought about moving to North Carolina, I felt so sad that I cried. I cried because I was going to another place where I had no friends…I felt that I had finally established a support network that really helped me to survive BC, and I was leaving all that behind to go to a place where I didn’t have that. It took me so long before I finally found a church home where I was comfortable, and friends I could relate to even though they were not like me…And just as I was getting comfortable, it was time to leave. BUT AGAIN, this was a move that I was ready for. I was ready to leave BC and start my life as a married woman!
When I moved to NC in 2006 I determined that I would fight with all my will to fit in…AND not take 3 years to do so! I did not have a circle of international friends to make me comfortable and feel like home. Knowing that I was going to a strange place with no friends, I promised that I would not sit and feel sorry for myself. I promised that I would open myself to new people, I promised that I would plug myself in church right away, I promised that I would not wait to be invited out but invite others in, I promised that I would extend myself to others and give of myself to others. And with that promise my goal was achieved. Once we returned from our honeymoon, we were moving and shaking! Before we knew it we had friends, people over at our house, and active in the college ministry. I felt like I was part of something…And best of all, I did not feel different, excluded, or sitting on the outside looking in.
I don’t know when next we would have to move…I am guessing that three years from now the cards may shift when my husband completes his residency. The entire map of the U.S. will be at our fingertips and we would be able to pick, choose and refuse where we want to live.
Through these major life moves I have learnt that God always provides people in our lives who will be our cheerleaders, and support. The key is that we must remain open to what He provides. We have to put ourselves out there to get caught. And we have to be proactive and be bold about what we want.
The beauty about life is that we have no idea who our next best friends would be. We do not know who will enter our life never to depart…We don’t know who else is out there that we are going to love…and is going to love us. We do not know who is going to be our rock of support when we need it most. What we know is who we have in our life at this very moment. And sometimes we grow so content with our circle, that we forget that our circle was meant to expand. But rest assured that you have a lot of friends…many of whom you have yet meet :-)…once you keep yourself open.
As you go, entering into unfamiliar territory, go brave… knowing that God will unveil many wonderful surprises that will bless your life more than you imagine…They called friends.
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