Friends are Not Always Forever

Throughout the years I have made very strong friendships...Friendships so strong that for all practicality I considered them family...plain and simple...I didn't grow up with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, brothers or sisters...It was me, my daddy, and my mother, the neighbours, classmates, and church people...Perhaps my lack of a physical family has caused me to deem my friends as my family...There is no “blood thicker than water” for me!

For the past 6 years I have been praising God for a very special friendship...a friendship that started way back when I was 14 (I'm now 28, going on 29). I thought that friendship really blossomed and for all intents and purposes she was my sister...my confidant, my prayer partner, a shoulder to cry on, someone to uplift and offer words of encouragement...she was a great sister through Christ!

Well recently this special friend seemed to abandon our friendship. She is probably saying that I did the same thing...I don't know if I did...maybe I did...Well there was apparently there was a "miscommunication" via a text I sent...A miscommunication that led to my dear friend being upset with me...Her response to my text made me mad as well. She read into my text that I was talking down to her (according to someone else...I never got the story from her mouth!)...I read into her text thinking that she was just unwilling to take responsibility for something she was supposed to do...Either way the next time we "spoke" I was quiet...silent...It was my way of saying that things are not cool...But she decided to ignore my quietness and sounded quite honkeydory...as if nothing was wrong...That pissed me off!

You know, I could have said something there and then...I could expressed my anger and frustration...But I didn't. Why? Because I always have to confront issues. Because I am NOT a conflict avoider...I face conflict head on...I deal with it and get it out of the way...SHE IS A CONFLICT AVOIDER! And I felt that this time she should deal with it! She should approach me and talk to me...I thought that since we were such close friends that she would let me know if I did something to bother her…

I was mad that one of the closest persons in the world to me could not come to me and say, "Kaara I don't like it when you do X, Y or Z." Why couldn't she do that? Don't you care enough about me to help me be a better person? A better friend? Why am I always the one to tell you when you hurt me??? As a friend I expect that you would do better. I expect that you would be honest with me...A true friend would be honest with you…

You know, the most hurtful thing in all of this was the realization that my friendship was not what I thought it was...I mean when I say hurt...It can probably be compared to breaking up with a long time boy friend when you found out he was cheating on you...when you thought he was a saint...I know my example is extreme, but so were my feelings...I was hurt that she did not consider our friendship IMPORTANT enough to address this issue...I was hurt that she did not think that I was the kind of friend she could approach if I offended her...You know there are some friends who you can be your total self with...the good, the bad, the ugly...and they love you with all your faults...Well I honestly thought she was that friend...So needless to say I was SORELY HURT when it appeared that she could not approach me...to tell me that she was offended...Really? You tell someone else but you can't tell me? Really?? On top of that, I felt that you of ALL people should know me better...You of ALL people should know my heart...And you of all people should have looked at that text and say, I know Kaara is not trying to talk down to me...But if I feel that way I should clarify to make sure...YOU OF ALL PEOPLE!

Three months has since passed and we had one contact/conversation (through my initiation)...but we didn't talk about us...Instead we pretended that things were perfect...As a matter of fact, it was until after that meeting that I learnt more about her thoughts and feelings...and that knowledge fueled my anger to what it is today!

WHAT! YOU MEAN TO SAY SHE THINKS THIS IS MY FAULT!? WHAT??? SHE DOES NOT REALIZE SHE HAS A PART TO PLAY IN THIS??? WHAT!? SHE IS UPSET ABOUT ME DECIDING HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP WOULD BE WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH HER FIRST??? What de hell!? If she soooo "upset" then why de hell she never came and defended our friendship...

So it is this anger that has kept me silent...and kept me from calling her...On the other hand I think that if she wants our friendship she needs to fight for it...I really don't care to be so close to someone, and they not fight for me...What de hell? What, is only me who supposed to fight for us? NO sah!

I have since learnt that the reason she has not called me is because she does not want to deal with this issue right now, and she is fine with how things are right now…There are certain things she does not like about me, and she just does not know if she really wants to put out the energy to pursue our friendship…

That to me what like your best friend saying she is not sure if she wants to be friends…seemingly out of the blue for no VALID reason! Trust me when I say that I was HEART BROKEN…I can’t even count the times I have cried…And when I heard that last part, my heart sank…to the bottom of the ship.

There is probably a lesson to be learnt from all of this…Perhaps it is that friends are not forever….even when they are die hard and you would give your life for them…Perhaps it is that you must put your trust in God and not man…Perhaps it is for me to realize my self-worth…and know that I am worth much more as a friend, and worth fighting for!!!! Perhaps it is that I need to redefine what friendship means and KNOW that its only temporary…I don’t know exactly…
But this is my prayer…

That I rid myself of the anger I hold towards my sister…that I forgive her for hurting me…that I not let this experience prohibit me from being the best friend I can be to someone else…And that if and when we do talk, that I have a HUMBLE spirit and not turn into a raging lunatic! I pray that even if our friendship never regains momentum that I would still LOVE her, especially because she is my sister in Christ…and a human being…I pray that I would be able to step aside and just let LOVE consume me…I don’t know what else to pray for, so I pray that the Spirit will just give me what I need to heal, learn and be whole again.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.