Job, during his time of illness and despair, referred to his friends as miserable comforters!
I have been blessed with the opportunity to teach the ladies class at my congregation on Tuesday nights. I must confess that I was a little skeptical of my own abilities to teach this class…ESPECIALLY when I was given the topics!!!! The topics were dealing with depression, anxiety, grief and illness. Boy oh boy, ‘what do I know about this???’ I said to myself! I felt like I was the most “unqualified” person to teach this class. ‘I don’t know anything about depression, anxiety, illness and grief!’ Boy was I wrong!!! One day I was sharing my fears with another sister…And she said to me, “but you do know about illness…because you know about it from a mental health standpoint. And everything that you went through with the varied emotions you can relate to the sisters!” I am thankful for the encouragement I received along the way to do this class…I have truly been blessed beyond what I can imagine…
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
My Last Days in Trinidad
I started off this trip with the goal that it would be different…Different than any other trip I had taken before. And I am happy to say that my trip was amazingly different!!
God has truly done an amazing work in my heart…especially as it pertains to how I approach and dealt with my mother.
For as long as I can remember I have had a strained relationship with my mother due to her mental illness. I was probably around 7 when I realized something was not right…my father just told me that she was “sick.” But as a child I could not understand what that really meant. So due to a lack of knowledge, lack of medical support, lack of family support, and lack of whatever else, our relationship grew further and further apart.
God has truly done an amazing work in my heart…especially as it pertains to how I approach and dealt with my mother.
For as long as I can remember I have had a strained relationship with my mother due to her mental illness. I was probably around 7 when I realized something was not right…my father just told me that she was “sick.” But as a child I could not understand what that really meant. So due to a lack of knowledge, lack of medical support, lack of family support, and lack of whatever else, our relationship grew further and further apart.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Natural Hair!
So my natural hair is back! In October 2009, I had relaxed my hair and during that time I learnt a lot about my hair. The one major thing I learnt is that you don’t really need to relax your hair every 6 weeks or as often as “they” tell you to. I had not relaxed my hair in a year and two months and everyone was ‘none the wiser.’ With a flat iron to straighten out the new growth, I was contented.
When I had relaxed my hair (after being natural for 2 years) someone asked me if I missed my natural hair. And my answer was no. To me, hair is hair…and the best time to play/experiment with it is when you are young and actually have hair to play with! Because there will come a time when your hair may thin out or start to disappear. So why not try new things with your hair? Cut it, it will just grow back…Relax it, you can always cut it…Dye it, your natural color will eventually grow out…it’s just hair!
When I had relaxed my hair (after being natural for 2 years) someone asked me if I missed my natural hair. And my answer was no. To me, hair is hair…and the best time to play/experiment with it is when you are young and actually have hair to play with! Because there will come a time when your hair may thin out or start to disappear. So why not try new things with your hair? Cut it, it will just grow back…Relax it, you can always cut it…Dye it, your natural color will eventually grow out…it’s just hair!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Trinidad – My Friends & Mother
“How was your day?” the nurse asked. “It was good,” she said, “could have been longer.”
Right before I left NC, I was talking to a friend about my upcoming trip to Trinidad…I was telling her about how I was planning to make this trip different…in a better way…
I developed a routine of sorts every time I come to Trinidad. There are about 5 people I usually make it my business to connect with. (Separate and apart from family). Before coming, I would usually send an email letting them know when I would be coming/leaving and express and interest to connect with them. And for the most part I am able to connect with them. I started noticing however, that the longer I am away in the U.S. the more distant some of my friendships have grown. So while I am hyped to meet up with these friends, I have started to sense that they are a little less than enthused to see me. While I would move mountains to see them, I don’t really get that same sense from them…So my crazy friend told me to let them go and make some new friends.
Last year a similar situation happened when I tried to connect with a friend from Trinidad who lived in another state. I was visiting that state and as in normal Kaara fashion, I emailed her prior to my arrival asking if we could link up. At first she said that she “should be available,” and when the time gets closer, we will confirm. Well, before I got there, I emailed her…no response…I called her twice and left voice messages, no response…then I texted her and asked her if she got my messages and she responded that she did and told me to “have a nice trip.” A little taken aback by the response I reminded her that I was in town and wanted to connect…since she never responded to my messages, I asked her if she missed that part. She in turn responded, “Did you miss the part where I said I was under pressure?” WOW. I must say I was a bit disappointed by that…I mean I had even left in my message asking her about bible class and what time they have it, if they go etc to see if we could link up then…In my mind I was like seriously? You are soooooooooooo busy, I cannot come by for 10 minutes?? Seriously? I then later find out that she spends Saturday evening with her family who are also mutual friends and who happen to share the same faith…Again, in my mind I thought that she could have invited me to drop by…But here I was…willing to go out of my way during my vacation time to see you…while you could care less! This is basically what I have to contend with my Trini friends.
And so it’s hard. I am such a relational person that it’s hard for me to let go of relationships that I have cherished for so long. While at the same time it’s easy for me to get hurt by those simple instances I mentioned above. So what should I do? According to my crazy friend I should stop running after the people who are not able to demonstrate love and focus on those around me who do. And I agree. I have been hesitant to let these friends go because I feel if I lose them I will lose my connection to Trinidad and in turn feel disconnected…But in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay. Cause I am connected elsewhere…
So in usual Kaara fashion, I emailed 4 friends…Heard from 3 and confirmed with one…and I am totally okay with that. This time, I am not going to try to move mountains to see anyone unless they are willing to do the same for me. Sorry guys. As another one of my friends said, “why should I make you a priority in my life, when I am optional in your life?” So my focus this time is to just look around and observe…Think about these relationships, and determine which of these relationships are worth keeping based on the other person’s value for our friendship. At the same time, I am going to try to connect more with those who are more willing to connect with me…And even open my heart to those who I may have never connected with before.
In my last post I talked about how last year was the year for letting go…which is no easy task for me. But part of letting go also involves starting something new…Fostering closer relationships with friends you have and opening your heart to make new friends. I only have a week so we will see how that goes!
As I talk about opening my heart to start something new, I have to talk about my mother. A sore spot for me and not something I like to talk about much. I was telling my friend that since I was not going to place as much emphasis on my friends that I was planning to focus more on my mother…and take her out and try to spend time with her…BUT I told her, I don’t really feel the same way that other people feel about their mothers…You know, I don’t have that “lovey-dovey” feeling that a lot of people have for their mothers. And she said to me, “that’s okay”…Don’t force yourself to feel that way if it’s not natural because then it would never be real…That was the first time someone ever told me that it was okay to basically feel the way I felt…(thank you!) She went on to say that I have a lot of bad memories about my mother and my younger life with her…So what I need to do is create new memories that are good memories and fun memories. Honestly, that is a hard concept to imagine but I was willing to try…And I was willing to try because I wanted to make this trip purposeful…And challenge myself beyond my comfort zone. And with that I set out to engage with my mother in a way I had not done in years…I mean probably more than 18 years!
My memory is still haunted by the recent scenes of when we had to take her out of the house by force and carry her to the mental health hospital…the prison like atmosphere made my heart sink when I thought about it…And the mental and emotional anguish anyone would feel being there…I am saddened by our system…our third world system…I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that was the best thing for her…But the process was gut wrenching…Since her release from the hospital we found an elderly home for her to stay in. She describes it as being in a place with only old people, caged in like an animal because you can’t go anywhere. Granted she never went anywhere when she lived alone but when you KNOW you can’t leave it really does make you feel trapped…And so I feel kinda bad that yet again, in my little third-world county, we really do not have the facilities that is most appropriate for her…I hate that we cannot do better…I feel guilt I cannot do better.
During the early months when she was placed in the home I attempted to call her every week. I went from not calling at all to regular calls…But the calls started to weigh on me, and I viewed it as my token responsibility and not something that I WANTED to do. As a matter of fact I started to dread every time I called her…It was a doom and gloom conversation that always went the same way…She complained about the home, had nothing much to say, silence, and goodbye. When I came to Trinidad in July of last year, I took my in-laws with me to visit her…and I sat in silence as I forced myself to make conversation with her…It was uncomfortable…not because my in-laws were there, but simply because I just don’t know what to say or what to do…Our relationship feels so unnatural…It does NOT feel like a mother-daughter relationship…It feels stressed and strained…And I quickly want to get out of there!
So, I went from calling every week, to once every couple weeks to once a month. The first time there was a one month gap between calls, our conversation lasted 12 minutes instead of the usual 3-4 minutes! Though short, that was really a long conversation for us…What made it even better was that she DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING…I mean she was able to have a conversation without complaining about the home she was staying in and about how she wanted to leave the place! I was so shocked I sat in my chair almost elated! I was happy. The next month, the same thing happened! Maybe it was not just by chance, maybe this was real change on the horizon…But I still had my guard up each time I called waiting to hear her complain…But up now, I have not heard her complain, and it has made our conversations more than just bearable. Even the director of the home has mentioned that she is more settled, and talking more with the folks there…
I had no faith that the medications would work…She had been sick for soooo long and lived without medication for way to long that I feared that her brain was just hard wired. My husband told me that there is no telling with schizophrenia. Sometimes the meds work other times it does not. Each patient is different and you will never know…
Maybe the medication is working? Maybe prayer is working? Something I don’t rely on nearly enough! I hope someone is praying for me and praying for her!
My mother has often felt like a burden to me…Since I was little and had to care for her by managing the household bills when I was 13…and making groceries…and cleaning…even organizing myself for school by getting my own books and uniform, making sure I stayed on the straight and narrow by taking MYSELF to church with the neighbors…and just trying to be responsible at 13!! It was a burden…And I think I am okay with acknowledging that its kinda crazy for a 13 year old to be given that heavy load to carry. That was not fair to me!!! And so that burden I have carried unwillingly ever since I can remember, I could never seem to let go. Coupled with the fact that I am carrying a burden for someone that I don’t “feel” I love…In the sense that though I may go through the motions of “trying to do the right thing,” I have never felt that I was doing it because “I loved her” as opposed to, “it was my responsibility…my lot in life.”
So as I work on letting go of the dead weight in my life…I am simultaneously working on establishing relationships or strengthening relationships that do matter…My mother being top priority….
The number one thing that will make this trip different than any other trip before is that I am going to open my heart to my mother, and allow myself to start something new with her…I am going to allow myself to learn how to love her…and be with her…and not see her as a burden but as a person…and person, who like me, needs love, acceptance, affection, attention, and grace.
And so the day after I landed, I journeyed to P’town where she stayed and took about 50 million taxis to get to the mall. She was so happy to see me, and finally get out of the house…She had been at the home for 14 months and never left except once a month for her clinic appointments. She was pleasant, and even engaging. We went to the shoe store and tried on shoes…and she even found a really cute pair of shoes! Then we had lunch at the food court, and she had ice-cream afterwards…then we went and got our toes done!! I mean I can honestly say that this was the most engaged I have been with her in YEARS…I cannot even remember the last time I was able to just hang out with her…and really, have a good time…without feeling like it was a burden to bear. I even took some pictures…I never take pictures of her because she never allowed it…and after a while I didn’t care to. Who wants pictures of bad memories anyway?
Thank you my friend for encouraging me to create new memories…That was the best piece of advice I have ever gotten regarding my relationship with my mother! And thank you for telling me that it’s okay to feel the way I feel…Another burden has been lifted off my heart.
“How was your day?” the nurse asked. “It was good,” she said, “could have been longer.”
Right before I left NC, I was talking to a friend about my upcoming trip to Trinidad…I was telling her about how I was planning to make this trip different…in a better way…
I developed a routine of sorts every time I come to Trinidad. There are about 5 people I usually make it my business to connect with. (Separate and apart from family). Before coming, I would usually send an email letting them know when I would be coming/leaving and express and interest to connect with them. And for the most part I am able to connect with them. I started noticing however, that the longer I am away in the U.S. the more distant some of my friendships have grown. So while I am hyped to meet up with these friends, I have started to sense that they are a little less than enthused to see me. While I would move mountains to see them, I don’t really get that same sense from them…So my crazy friend told me to let them go and make some new friends.
Last year a similar situation happened when I tried to connect with a friend from Trinidad who lived in another state. I was visiting that state and as in normal Kaara fashion, I emailed her prior to my arrival asking if we could link up. At first she said that she “should be available,” and when the time gets closer, we will confirm. Well, before I got there, I emailed her…no response…I called her twice and left voice messages, no response…then I texted her and asked her if she got my messages and she responded that she did and told me to “have a nice trip.” A little taken aback by the response I reminded her that I was in town and wanted to connect…since she never responded to my messages, I asked her if she missed that part. She in turn responded, “Did you miss the part where I said I was under pressure?” WOW. I must say I was a bit disappointed by that…I mean I had even left in my message asking her about bible class and what time they have it, if they go etc to see if we could link up then…In my mind I was like seriously? You are soooooooooooo busy, I cannot come by for 10 minutes?? Seriously? I then later find out that she spends Saturday evening with her family who are also mutual friends and who happen to share the same faith…Again, in my mind I thought that she could have invited me to drop by…But here I was…willing to go out of my way during my vacation time to see you…while you could care less! This is basically what I have to contend with my Trini friends.
And so it’s hard. I am such a relational person that it’s hard for me to let go of relationships that I have cherished for so long. While at the same time it’s easy for me to get hurt by those simple instances I mentioned above. So what should I do? According to my crazy friend I should stop running after the people who are not able to demonstrate love and focus on those around me who do. And I agree. I have been hesitant to let these friends go because I feel if I lose them I will lose my connection to Trinidad and in turn feel disconnected…But in the grand scheme of things, that’s okay. Cause I am connected elsewhere…
So in usual Kaara fashion, I emailed 4 friends…Heard from 3 and confirmed with one…and I am totally okay with that. This time, I am not going to try to move mountains to see anyone unless they are willing to do the same for me. Sorry guys. As another one of my friends said, “why should I make you a priority in my life, when I am optional in your life?” So my focus this time is to just look around and observe…Think about these relationships, and determine which of these relationships are worth keeping based on the other person’s value for our friendship. At the same time, I am going to try to connect more with those who are more willing to connect with me…And even open my heart to those who I may have never connected with before.
In my last post I talked about how last year was the year for letting go…which is no easy task for me. But part of letting go also involves starting something new…Fostering closer relationships with friends you have and opening your heart to make new friends. I only have a week so we will see how that goes!
As I talk about opening my heart to start something new, I have to talk about my mother. A sore spot for me and not something I like to talk about much. I was telling my friend that since I was not going to place as much emphasis on my friends that I was planning to focus more on my mother…and take her out and try to spend time with her…BUT I told her, I don’t really feel the same way that other people feel about their mothers…You know, I don’t have that “lovey-dovey” feeling that a lot of people have for their mothers. And she said to me, “that’s okay”…Don’t force yourself to feel that way if it’s not natural because then it would never be real…That was the first time someone ever told me that it was okay to basically feel the way I felt…(thank you!) She went on to say that I have a lot of bad memories about my mother and my younger life with her…So what I need to do is create new memories that are good memories and fun memories. Honestly, that is a hard concept to imagine but I was willing to try…And I was willing to try because I wanted to make this trip purposeful…And challenge myself beyond my comfort zone. And with that I set out to engage with my mother in a way I had not done in years…I mean probably more than 18 years!
My memory is still haunted by the recent scenes of when we had to take her out of the house by force and carry her to the mental health hospital…the prison like atmosphere made my heart sink when I thought about it…And the mental and emotional anguish anyone would feel being there…I am saddened by our system…our third world system…I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that was the best thing for her…But the process was gut wrenching…Since her release from the hospital we found an elderly home for her to stay in. She describes it as being in a place with only old people, caged in like an animal because you can’t go anywhere. Granted she never went anywhere when she lived alone but when you KNOW you can’t leave it really does make you feel trapped…And so I feel kinda bad that yet again, in my little third-world county, we really do not have the facilities that is most appropriate for her…I hate that we cannot do better…I feel guilt I cannot do better.
During the early months when she was placed in the home I attempted to call her every week. I went from not calling at all to regular calls…But the calls started to weigh on me, and I viewed it as my token responsibility and not something that I WANTED to do. As a matter of fact I started to dread every time I called her…It was a doom and gloom conversation that always went the same way…She complained about the home, had nothing much to say, silence, and goodbye. When I came to Trinidad in July of last year, I took my in-laws with me to visit her…and I sat in silence as I forced myself to make conversation with her…It was uncomfortable…not because my in-laws were there, but simply because I just don’t know what to say or what to do…Our relationship feels so unnatural…It does NOT feel like a mother-daughter relationship…It feels stressed and strained…And I quickly want to get out of there!
So, I went from calling every week, to once every couple weeks to once a month. The first time there was a one month gap between calls, our conversation lasted 12 minutes instead of the usual 3-4 minutes! Though short, that was really a long conversation for us…What made it even better was that she DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING…I mean she was able to have a conversation without complaining about the home she was staying in and about how she wanted to leave the place! I was so shocked I sat in my chair almost elated! I was happy. The next month, the same thing happened! Maybe it was not just by chance, maybe this was real change on the horizon…But I still had my guard up each time I called waiting to hear her complain…But up now, I have not heard her complain, and it has made our conversations more than just bearable. Even the director of the home has mentioned that she is more settled, and talking more with the folks there…
I had no faith that the medications would work…She had been sick for soooo long and lived without medication for way to long that I feared that her brain was just hard wired. My husband told me that there is no telling with schizophrenia. Sometimes the meds work other times it does not. Each patient is different and you will never know…
Maybe the medication is working? Maybe prayer is working? Something I don’t rely on nearly enough! I hope someone is praying for me and praying for her!
My mother has often felt like a burden to me…Since I was little and had to care for her by managing the household bills when I was 13…and making groceries…and cleaning…even organizing myself for school by getting my own books and uniform, making sure I stayed on the straight and narrow by taking MYSELF to church with the neighbors…and just trying to be responsible at 13!! It was a burden…And I think I am okay with acknowledging that its kinda crazy for a 13 year old to be given that heavy load to carry. That was not fair to me!!! And so that burden I have carried unwillingly ever since I can remember, I could never seem to let go. Coupled with the fact that I am carrying a burden for someone that I don’t “feel” I love…In the sense that though I may go through the motions of “trying to do the right thing,” I have never felt that I was doing it because “I loved her” as opposed to, “it was my responsibility…my lot in life.”
So as I work on letting go of the dead weight in my life…I am simultaneously working on establishing relationships or strengthening relationships that do matter…My mother being top priority….
The number one thing that will make this trip different than any other trip before is that I am going to open my heart to my mother, and allow myself to start something new with her…I am going to allow myself to learn how to love her…and be with her…and not see her as a burden but as a person…and person, who like me, needs love, acceptance, affection, attention, and grace.
And so the day after I landed, I journeyed to P’town where she stayed and took about 50 million taxis to get to the mall. She was so happy to see me, and finally get out of the house…She had been at the home for 14 months and never left except once a month for her clinic appointments. She was pleasant, and even engaging. We went to the shoe store and tried on shoes…and she even found a really cute pair of shoes! Then we had lunch at the food court, and she had ice-cream afterwards…then we went and got our toes done!! I mean I can honestly say that this was the most engaged I have been with her in YEARS…I cannot even remember the last time I was able to just hang out with her…and really, have a good time…without feeling like it was a burden to bear. I even took some pictures…I never take pictures of her because she never allowed it…and after a while I didn’t care to. Who wants pictures of bad memories anyway?
Thank you my friend for encouraging me to create new memories…That was the best piece of advice I have ever gotten regarding my relationship with my mother! And thank you for telling me that it’s okay to feel the way I feel…Another burden has been lifted off my heart.
“How was your day?” the nurse asked. “It was good,” she said, “could have been longer.”
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Trinidad
Well, my trip started off to a bad start since I was struck in Miami airport for 9 hours!!! All because of “air traffic” when we landed that kept us on the runway for 30 minutes!! With 5 minutes to spare, I ran to the counter to be greeted by an unsympathetic flight worker. “Door just closed one minute ago,” he said, as he continued to type on his computer. “Is that the plane?” I asked. “Yes, but once the door is closed its closed and we can't open it.” He went on to say that they waited 5 minutes but that was all they allowed them to wait because they didn't know if I was coming. Ohhhhhhhh, I was so mad. When airlines run late they could care less about you. The 30 minutes we strolled around on the runway, they didn't offer any explanation!! That's what gets me. Not one word. And of course these people have access to my flight info and know I would miss my flight. They could have called them and asked them to wait 5 more minutes! I don't know if I ever had a flight that left exactly on time. (An international flight that is). Steups, hell, the flight they rebooked me in was 20 or 25 minutes late! Again, no explanation!! Hmmmm, so they couldn't be 20 minutes late this morning!!! I know, I know, I just need to let this go! Well the one good thing is that I met a girl from Dominica who fell into the stress as me. So that was nice to have someone to chat with for a while. Then I did some work for work so I could reclaim my flex time at work. I think the most frustrating part for me is that I had made plans to hang out at the young adults class tonight for the first time ever! And I was really looking forward to it since every time I come to Trinidad I was never lucky enough to catch it. What a bummer.
I had said to myself that this trip would be different. Because I am different. So much has changed within me over the past year. Heck, over the past few months. One of the biggest change that is taking place within me right now is learning to let go. Learning to let go of people, friends, and family. Learning to even let go of past hurts and pain.
Over the past year I totally let go of one friend. This dude had stood me up about a year ago when I was in Trinidad and said he could not tell me why. Well you know what, I put my foot down because I felt that I deserved better than his lousy apology. And since then things have not been the same. But you know what, I am okay with that. Because even though I loved him dearly, I have to accept the fact that people change, they have the right to change, and that change can even mean leaving me behind. It happens every day to married people who the fell in love and then look around twice and realize their spouse is totally different. That is why you have to pray that you will always grow together in the Lord. And when you change, you change for the better. That is my eternal pray for my husband and I. That neither of us would grow out of each other, but that we would grow together, not leaving the other behind. At the same time, I cannot and will not take for granted that it can happen…even to us…
My next change came when I started letting go of my sisters. From ever since I was a little girl, I wanted and craved that sister-sister relationship. I have finally accepted that even though I chose them they don't have to choose me. I am the outside child (according to one friend) and no matter what I do, I will always be the outside child...come on now...don't get me wrong, letting go is not easy but I have started and I have come such a long with that!
Through another incident with another friend, I learnt that I was holding on to the idea of what was and not what is. When you are friends with someone for a long time it’s easy to hold on to that friendship for dear life because of what you used to have or what you thought you had. And that was a hard lesson to swallow. I was holding on to an idea not something real. Because if it were real it would be real for both of us not just me. I learnt that the way I felt about her was not the same way she felt about me. I learnt that even when you share your heart with the most trusted person it can still be broken. I learnt that we give too much power to people...the power to allow their actions to cause immense pain. For the longest while I wanted to know why she abandoned our friendship and from the moment I found out it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. But why did I need her confirmation that she didn't love me the way I thought in order to "set me free?" That should not be. It was as if I kept myself back just waiting and hoping. Sometimes we are going to find ourselves in situations where we will just not understand why...Why did he cheat on me? Why did he abandon his child? Why did he kill himself? Or why did she have to die!!? No matter how hard we try we may never get the answer to these whys...but we have to figure out a way to let go completely and not allow this to hold us back emotionally…I am learning slowly…
So last year has truly been the year for letting go. But when you let go of these things you have to replace it with new and positive things. It might mean making new friends or forming closer relationships with the ones you have already. It might mean that you focus on what you do have and not what you don't. It might mean seeking God first knowing that every experience you have is one to make you love Him more.
When I left Trinidad for school in 2003, I became so patriotic. I hung flags in my room, had my car dressed with my national colors...and would just be proud to be a Trini. When we leave home we become so patriotic we learn to have a greater appreciation for what we have...the food, the culture, the music, the people...especially the people...You just love up on your country extra hard. You say things like "I am a Trini to de bone," you start collecting local music, when you visit you take pictures like you is ah tourist...pictures of de road, the buildings, everything you taking pictures of. You never noticed it before. But now dat you is an official Trini to de bone you savor everything! When you in America and you hear a Trini accent, is like you become friends instantly. But when you home you hear the same accent on the bus everyday but you don't even bat an eye. Being away from home just creates that unspoken love for your country. You start to think that your people and culture is the best thing since slice bread. You unconsciously start looking down on other cultures by making yours the best. Better than everybody else. You fear losing your accent and hate it when people tell you don't sound like a Trini. You even look down on those who have lived here so long by calling them Americanized.
When I came to America I was proud NOT to be American. I was a super proud Trini. I fought hard not to adapt to the culture here so I could remain a “pure” Trini. But now I don't care. Now I can appreciate my culture and other cultures. Now I don't have to say we have the best food, music, culture etc. because now I can appreciate the value in differences...now I know that love has no respect for culture or national origin...now I value the people who are in my life but not from my culture. Now I take pride in just being proud to be me...And proud to be a Christian...because God has placed so many people from all walks of life to be in my circle...and right now, I have more friends who are American than I do who are Trini. Soooo proud to be Trini? Always...but more proud to be me :)
I started off by saying that this trip will be different because I am different...I will keep you posted.
I had said to myself that this trip would be different. Because I am different. So much has changed within me over the past year. Heck, over the past few months. One of the biggest change that is taking place within me right now is learning to let go. Learning to let go of people, friends, and family. Learning to even let go of past hurts and pain.
Over the past year I totally let go of one friend. This dude had stood me up about a year ago when I was in Trinidad and said he could not tell me why. Well you know what, I put my foot down because I felt that I deserved better than his lousy apology. And since then things have not been the same. But you know what, I am okay with that. Because even though I loved him dearly, I have to accept the fact that people change, they have the right to change, and that change can even mean leaving me behind. It happens every day to married people who the fell in love and then look around twice and realize their spouse is totally different. That is why you have to pray that you will always grow together in the Lord. And when you change, you change for the better. That is my eternal pray for my husband and I. That neither of us would grow out of each other, but that we would grow together, not leaving the other behind. At the same time, I cannot and will not take for granted that it can happen…even to us…
My next change came when I started letting go of my sisters. From ever since I was a little girl, I wanted and craved that sister-sister relationship. I have finally accepted that even though I chose them they don't have to choose me. I am the outside child (according to one friend) and no matter what I do, I will always be the outside child...come on now...don't get me wrong, letting go is not easy but I have started and I have come such a long with that!
Through another incident with another friend, I learnt that I was holding on to the idea of what was and not what is. When you are friends with someone for a long time it’s easy to hold on to that friendship for dear life because of what you used to have or what you thought you had. And that was a hard lesson to swallow. I was holding on to an idea not something real. Because if it were real it would be real for both of us not just me. I learnt that the way I felt about her was not the same way she felt about me. I learnt that even when you share your heart with the most trusted person it can still be broken. I learnt that we give too much power to people...the power to allow their actions to cause immense pain. For the longest while I wanted to know why she abandoned our friendship and from the moment I found out it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. But why did I need her confirmation that she didn't love me the way I thought in order to "set me free?" That should not be. It was as if I kept myself back just waiting and hoping. Sometimes we are going to find ourselves in situations where we will just not understand why...Why did he cheat on me? Why did he abandon his child? Why did he kill himself? Or why did she have to die!!? No matter how hard we try we may never get the answer to these whys...but we have to figure out a way to let go completely and not allow this to hold us back emotionally…I am learning slowly…
So last year has truly been the year for letting go. But when you let go of these things you have to replace it with new and positive things. It might mean making new friends or forming closer relationships with the ones you have already. It might mean that you focus on what you do have and not what you don't. It might mean seeking God first knowing that every experience you have is one to make you love Him more.
When I left Trinidad for school in 2003, I became so patriotic. I hung flags in my room, had my car dressed with my national colors...and would just be proud to be a Trini. When we leave home we become so patriotic we learn to have a greater appreciation for what we have...the food, the culture, the music, the people...especially the people...You just love up on your country extra hard. You say things like "I am a Trini to de bone," you start collecting local music, when you visit you take pictures like you is ah tourist...pictures of de road, the buildings, everything you taking pictures of. You never noticed it before. But now dat you is an official Trini to de bone you savor everything! When you in America and you hear a Trini accent, is like you become friends instantly. But when you home you hear the same accent on the bus everyday but you don't even bat an eye. Being away from home just creates that unspoken love for your country. You start to think that your people and culture is the best thing since slice bread. You unconsciously start looking down on other cultures by making yours the best. Better than everybody else. You fear losing your accent and hate it when people tell you don't sound like a Trini. You even look down on those who have lived here so long by calling them Americanized.
When I came to America I was proud NOT to be American. I was a super proud Trini. I fought hard not to adapt to the culture here so I could remain a “pure” Trini. But now I don't care. Now I can appreciate my culture and other cultures. Now I don't have to say we have the best food, music, culture etc. because now I can appreciate the value in differences...now I know that love has no respect for culture or national origin...now I value the people who are in my life but not from my culture. Now I take pride in just being proud to be me...And proud to be a Christian...because God has placed so many people from all walks of life to be in my circle...and right now, I have more friends who are American than I do who are Trini. Soooo proud to be Trini? Always...but more proud to be me :)
I started off by saying that this trip will be different because I am different...I will keep you posted.
***P.S. If you see any typos please email me and let me know so I can edit it. Thanks!
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