Last week we visited TX for the first time and I had the honor and privilege of meeting Weldon and Margie Kirby. The Kirby’s are members of the Church of Christ and was instrumental in helping Jared fund medical school. It’s interesting how the Lord works and blesses you for your good works when you least expect it. Way back when…sometime in the 1970’s, Jared’s parents were in the U.S. Texas to be exact. Jared’s mom was a young medical practitioner and his dad was attending preaching school as a budding preacher. They met Margie and at that time she was married to her 1st husband who was an invalid. She had to care for him and Jared’s mom helped her changed his IVs and provided emotional and medical support. They did not expect anything in return…They helped out of the kindness of their hearts and because that’s what Christians are supposed to do.
Margie’s first husband died, and she later married Weldon Kirby. Originally, they owned a cattle farm but lost everything during a downturn in the economy in the 1980s. Almost instantly they were bankrupt! Can you imagine going from riches to poverty overnight? I’m not exactly sure how the story goes, but someone came and visited the Kirby’s and pointed out the stone in their yard. Little did they know they were sitting on hidden treasure…The bankrupt farm turned into Kirby’s Stone Company! And from there poverty turned to riches almost overnight!? Isn’t God awesome!
Sadly, Weldon was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1991. Please read his story on Michael J. Fox’s website. Scroll down to his name: http://www.michaeljfox.org/living_FacesOfParkinsons.cfm.
But even with his diagnosis, Weldon fought on…and lived on…He continued to faithfully serve God, his family, and helped others. We owe it to the Kirby’s for where we are today…And we owe it to Jared’s parents for being the kindhearted and loving people they are…because through their kindness their son was blessed. You reap what you sow…and they sewed good seeds…A lesson for us all.
Without the Kirby’s Jared might not have been able to attend medical school! There is nothing we did to deserve this favor. But they gave, out of the kindness of their heart…they gave…And we are where we are today because they gave.
So what a privilege to meet this fantastic couple! Weldon’s illness had progressed so we made it a priority to visit with them. This was my first trip to TX and I was excited to meet them! Little did I know what a profound impact they would have on me! My time with them was emotionally overwhelming, encouraging, tear jerking, and spiritually uplifting. When I was with Margie, I felt I was in the presence of Jesus. SERIOUSLY!!! In ways I have not seen before, I saw a devoted wife with demonstrated humility. With wide open arms, and high spirit energy she welcomed us into her home.
Over the summer the hard decision was made to place Weldon in an assisted living home. This was extremely difficult for Margie but she could no longer care for him on her own. The place was impressive to say the least! Clean, comfortable, professional and friendly! As I watched Margie’s interaction with Weldon my heart melted. She rubbed his arms and legs as he struggled to make a logical sentence (a side effect of the illness). It was hard to see him like this…Sometimes it was difficult to understand what he said as his words were mumbled. But never once did she have a frustrated or tired look on her face…Instead, she knelt by his chair, held his hand, and patiently asked him what he said…At times she would try to help him get his thoughts together by asking if he was referring to this or that. Other times she jumped in his bed and rubbed his leg as she listened attentively. When the nurses would ask her if she wanted him to eat now, she would immediately turn and ask him if he wanted to eat now. What this taught me is that she treated him like a whole person despite his illness…She did not make decisions on behalf of him (though that would have been easier). Instead, every decision from where to eat, if to eat, where to sit etc. was made by him because she took the time to ask him…Even if he was slow to respond or struggled to respond, she just waited patiently and looked attentively. Even if he responds, “whatever you think is best,” she looks at him and say, “no hon, what do you what?”
The day we visited he was having a bad day (he caught a bug and was sick all night) she asked him if he wanted her to stay with him…and so she spent the night. She affectingly told him, “you are my boyfriend!” and rubbed his leg as his hands and leg shook uncontrollably from the Parkinson’s… (I could cry!) Her devotion to him, her care for him, her love for him was AMAZING…I want to be half the wife she is…A couple times a week she would take him to their home and have him spend the day at home with her…other times she would spend the night with him. Of every love story I have watched…this is best one I have seen…And I can’t stop crying every time I think about it. I told Jared this is like a love story that does not have a happy ending…because he’s going to die…*sobs* Jared told me that no love story has a happy ending because we all die at some point…But it’s so unfair for him to die! And in this way!!
Mr. Kirby was happy to see Jared. His countenance lit up and he smiled. It had been 7 years since Jared was last in TX…Jared’s dad however, continues to be a regular visitor during his multiple trips to the US every year. At one time when he was speaking to Jared he seemed to have lost his trail of thought and struggled to say what he wanted to say…And then he said, “I hate being like this.” OH, my heart broke! I was fighting the tears!!! Every single day I was there I was fighting the tears! Then, Jared told him that he spoke with his parents and Mr. Kirby smiled…And then he said, “Tell them…tell them…thank you.” By this point I couldn’t stop the tears. NO, you are sick and dying, I thought to myself…and we should be the ones saying thank you…for all that you have done…not only for Jared and helping him through med school but also for helping Jared’s dad raise funds for the Jamaica School of Preaching…NO Mr. Kirby, THANK YOU!
Please pray for Margie’s strength…She is giving a lot of herself to care for her husband and needs all the prayers we can afford. This beautiful couple has touched so many lives and I am just honored to know them. When the bible talks about the older women teaching the younger women about how to take care of their husbands, this is what it was talking about! My prayer is that my heart would listen, and I would strive continuously, daily, to be the wife God calls me to be…I pray that our hearts would be as generous as the Kirby’s and like they have blessed us, we too would bless others.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Bucket List
New Adventures for 2010
This year I didn’t make a new years resolution. Instead I developed a theme, a theme to live life to the fullest while I have it. I decided to take care of me, so I could take care of you. You see, sometimes we get so busy with life, that we lose sight of things that are important. When we lose sight of those things we get stressed, when we get stressed our inner core breaks down…And when that happens, we retreat…We retreat not to take care of ourselves, but to get away from others…to get away from stress. Then, we repeat the cycle, of never truly living life to the fullest, while never giving others their fair share. So, I decided that I have spent so much of my life sacrificing, and denying myself of things I want, that I am going to step out and go for it. I work 40 hours a week, and I think I deserve to feel the benefits of my job. A part of our budget is for personal spending and entertainment. Now, I am going to use that money and not deny myself of opportunities to see and experience the world. I started off the year with the hope that every month I would do something “special.” I am writing this to remind myself of my new year’s theme and not lose sight of what I started.
January – We went to our first new year’s party. We spent Christmas 2009 in Jamaica and I wanted to do something different. At $50 a pop we decided to go a party. A real party with music and dancing. We went, ate, had a couple drinks and people watched . Then that weekend we went to with my husband’s brother and wife to the beach. I am such a beach bomb so I couldn’t ask for anything better! We climbed Dunn’s River Falls and ate well at the hotel. It was a great start of 2010.
February – We saw our first Tyler Perry play. For so long I have always wanted to go…But for some reason I denied myself because someone didn’t want to go. This year, I don’t care who wants to go or not. My husband is always willing to indulge me and I will not take that for granted anymore. So the girls don’t want to go…who cares! I laughed so much a and had such a BLAST!
March – My first Alicia Keys concert!! I think I can go on record to say that Alicia is one of my favourite singers! And when she came in my area last year I didn’t go. Why? Because I thought the ticket prices were too expensive! HELLO! This year, since I made my new year’s theme, I decided that at $150 my husband and I can enjoy the Key’s concert. This was my very first concert in the US…And I had a great time. NOW, I will go to whoever concert I want to go to…
April – Jared and I visited Tammy and Kevin in St. Louis! And who is Tammy and Kevin, only the most adorable couple in the world! This was another strategic plan and part of my new years theme. I said to myself that I cannot let money stop me from visiting my most loved ones. If we waited until we have money, then we are waiting too long. My promise to them and myself is that I will make a trip to see them at least once a year. We did some sight-seeing in STL and walked into a Casino for the first time. St. Louis has lots of casinos so I thought, why not!? Went in, checked out the lights, watched people play some slots and left. I was told that the key to playing is to go in with just $20 with the idea that you are going to “throw away” $20 and expect nothing in return. Basically, just for fun…We thought about and would have done so if I had $20 cash…hmmm, didn’t want to pay the $4 ATM fee…that would be throwing away $24…no thank you. LOL! We did the St. Louis Arch, the butterfly house, and an interesting bowling alley…It was different because it seemed like an “adult” bowling alley with a full scale bar. Probably turns into a club…ah well, we went for the bowling. We had such a great time with my sis and her husband and would do it again in a heart beat!
For my birthday we went to a comedy show in Raleigh. OMG, I laughed so much!!! This was my first comedy show and was definitely on my list of things to do for 2010. I am glad I was able to do it. Afterwards we tried a new restaurant called Cuban Revolution. At that hour it was one of the few restaurants open that hour. My strawberry daiquiri was delicious, and so was my food. Jared said he didn’t like his food. The next day we made a quick trip to DC and saw a Grenadian play. (Was this the DC trip I bought 6 bottles of wine?) Had dinner with my high school friend from Trinidad and back to Durham!
Sometime in April I had the opportunity to walk with the Dreamers! They represent immigration issues I feel strongly about. You can read more about them at http://www.trail2010.org/about/ http://www.trail2010.org/about/. But this was another first for me…To participate in a walk, in NC, of my own doing…not for a class, or assignment or grade…but because I wanted to. Because I wanted to stand up for the thousands of immigrants in this country who do so much to make America what it is today. I walked, and walked, and walked, and then walked some more!
May – The Color Purple. Another play I always wanted to see. And for the same reason like the Key’s concert or the Tyler Perry play, I had not made it. But this year I made it my business to see the play! We had a great time!
June – Jared went to Jamaica for a month. I think before he left we did something for his birthday. I believe we played mini golf at Frankies Fun Park and had dinner. My high school friend Krystalle came to visit me from DC for the first time. We had a great time and tried two new restaurants – Zydeko a new Orleans styled restaurant with a nice jazz band with a lead singer (Crystal) who could not sing! Their jambalaya rice was really good! So much so, that I looked up some jambalaya recipes and added jambalaya rice and jambalaya pasta to my repertoire. The next restaurant was Nantucket Grill. They have large portion desserts but their food wasn’t all that. I tried it again with Jared and still wasn’t impressed with the food. Will go for dessert though. The one first is that we were not together for our anniversary since Jared was in Jamaica. 
July- This was a big month for us. We travelled to Trinidad for the Caribbean Lectureship. This was special for us because this is where we met, 12 years ago! In 1998 the Caribbean Lectureship was held in Trinidad and our paths crossed. Two years later we went to the same lectureship that was held in St. Lucia and really started talking. I visited for Christmas and he visited for Jamaica and one year later we decided to start dating and the rest is history! This time we were back as presenters! Well more so Jared…I was the trusty assistant. One of Jared’s greatest passions is to work with parents in a way that would help them to be better parents, thus bringing up better kids. Jared has spent the past year researching various parenting programs and I thought what better way to introduce his research and passion to the church, that to present at lectureship! We worked together on his presentation before we left, and I assisted with the group presentations. The workshop was well received and I was very proud of my husband for taking his research and translating it into something good for the church. I am happy that I am able to be part of this “Growing up process” of us. I envision that one day we would be the dynamic couple who can present information on parenting and marriage (my favorite topic) at conferences, workshops and more importantly churches.
After the 4 day lectureship we travelled to Tobago for the rest of the week. Remember I said that I am a beach bum. Well we were in walking distance of the beach! This was our first time going Tobago by ourselves. We met up with some friends (Marsha and her family) and had a blast! As I journeyed through Tobago I could not help but think what a beautiful country I have. I never realized how scenic Tobago was until then. We trinis don’t know what we have until we don’t have it anymore. This Tobago trip was our anniversary getaway and it was a beautiful and peaceful getaway!
August – Jared’s sister and her husband visited us for the first time together! All the way from Jamaica. We went to DC for one day and visited some of the monuments and musiems. It was a one day trip and a LONG but fun day. We also took them to Carowinds theme park and I concurred my fears of roller coasters thanks to Roger!!! What a thrill!!! Those where your feet dangle in the air feel less scary than those where your feet are planted on something. It was super crazy and fast but exhilarating!
September – What did we do in September? We had our housewarming!!! After 10 months of living in our new home we were finally able to paint, clean, and put together our house and welcome everyone. This was the cleanest I ever saw my house and I think it would be the cleanest ever. It was like Christmas cleaning to tell you the truth. I was happy that we were able to have a number of first timers to our home…both from church and our work. My desire is have a home that is open and welcoming. I plan to make a more concerted effort to extend my hospitality to those I normally don’t reach, like my co-workers and older folks from church. My house definitely felt warm and the paint colors look fabulous!!
October – Our trip is not here yet but we will be travelling to Dallas and NY at the end of the month. I have never been to TX before I am really excited to visit! TX is potentially a state that we would consider living in the future so it’s great that I am getting a taste. We decided to visit TX because it was a trip long overdue! We will be visiting the Kirby’s who was instrumental in helping Jared through undergrad and med school. I owe it to them to meet them. Coupled with the fact that Weldon is sick and getting sicker :(. For the second half of the week we will be going to NY…Jared has a child conference he wanted to attend, so I thought it would be the perfect time to visit my dad. I hope to do something funtabulous while in NY. We have not done any of the “touristy” things in NY yet, so perhaps we’ll venture out and visit a couple museums and the statue of liberty…maybe even catch a show and see a little night life!
November – Jared’s folks are visiting us for Thanksgiving! They have not been to our new home so this will be exciting having them there. I love them so much, they are the best in-laws ever!! I also hope we can make a trip to the mountains. I wanted to go last year but it didn’t happen. I would like to go white water rafting again and take in the scenic mountain view!
December – TBD. I am not sure where we will go for Christmas. I was hoping we could go to Trinidad if my visa approval came back in time. But after looking at ticket prices at $800 a piece, I don’t think that’s a possibility. Maybe prices will drop? Either way, I can only go to Trinidad if my visa application is approved because my visa is expired and I cant travel outside of the US until I get it. Bummer.
Things I hope to do:
• Skiing/snow tubing
• White water rafting (again…maybe when we go to the mountains)
• Camping
• Horseback riding
• Wine tasting (Dublin)
• Cruise (hopefully for my birthday)
• Florida Keys (hopefully for our 5th year anniversary)
• Trinidad – to get my visa (December or later)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Phone Call
Today I called my step mom and dad…
Background- For the past year (LITERALLY) I have been trying to get my father to come and visit me in North Carolina. Since I have been in the U.S. NONE of my family have visited me…NOT EVEN FOR GRADUATION!! I digress. To be honest, I feel a little…no, a LOT hurt by that sometimes. I have been blessed to have my in-laws, friends, and church family near and far come and visit…But for some reason, it’s not my family’s prerogative. I have visited them…from NY to CA…I have visited my sisters…But I am still waiting on the day they would chose to visit me. Anyway, since we got our new home last year I have been asking my dad to come and visit me. At first, I told him that I wanted him to come and help us paint the house…I thought it would be a noble task for my daddy to help paint one of my rooms. Unfortunately, my step mother did not take me seriously and when it was time for me to buy the tickets, I got a WHOLE lot of BS…One big hullabaloo. My oldest sister even got involved and told me that I should NOT plan things without telling mom (my step mom) first. See, the problem was that my step mom never took me seriously…and it was ONLY when I told my father I purchased the ticket (I lied), everyone started to make a big deal out of it…
Well after several tense email exchanges with my oldest sister in November 2009, I was told that dad could not travel because my step mom was planning to have a surgery…A surgery that has not happened up to now! After the last email my sister sent me (which was way out of line) I never responded…and I have not spoken to her since…I decided that I was fed up of the crap she was dishing out. And I was simply tired of her talking down to me like I am some child of hers! Initially I had typed a response…but I never sent it…I recently emailed her a short “how are you doing?” email, but I have not heard back. Ah well…
Then in April, I found out that daddy went on a cruise…Hmmm, how interesting that you guys can plan a cruise to the freaking Caribbean, but not a 2 hour trip to see me! In June he went to Trinidad…and TODAY, I find out he is going to California by my sister.
WTH!!! So hold up…Am I just being tossed aside like nothing?????
OK, so today I called and my step mother answered…and usually she talks for a few minutes and passes the phone to my father…This time I decided to ask a question upfront before she had time to pass the phone. So I told her I would like for them to come to my house warming on September 25…It was then she told me (after pondering the date for a while) that they plan to go to LA…maybe around that time. OH really! So I decided to push a little and I asked her if they were not planning to visit me. And then she started on her usual rampage about how she does not visit any of the other children, and she does not like to go by anyone, and that I know why they HAVE TO GO to LA…So I asked why they had to go??…if it was because of health reasons? And said to me that I am smart and I know why…And just send a picture of the house…And then she hastily came off the phone and passed it to my dad.
Well, by that time I was in tears…And all I said to my father was hello…and silence…how are you? He asked me what was wrong and said that I didn’t sound like myself…Awww, how sweet *tear* So I told him that I heard that he was going to California and that it seems like he’s not making plans to come visit me. He said that he was not sure what was going on but my sister (who is a pediatrician) wanted him to come back to CA so he could see the doctors there and get checked out…OK, fair enough I thought…BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!??? I told him that since last year he has been promising to visit me and since then he has been on a cruise, made it to Trinidad and now going to CA!!! Why am I getting the bitter end of the stick??? He told me not to worry and he promises that he would come…He said that he would come even if he has to come alone…And he will come before the year is done…Probably when he gets back from CA. But this was the first time, in the past year, that my dad really spoke to my heart…And I felt that he really understood how hurt I have been by him not visiting me…And I hope (like the 10 year old girl within me)…I hope he comes through.
Even though my step mom said that she does not visit the other kids, I know my daddy…and I know that he would like to visit me…I know in his heart he wants to…and that’s all that matters to me…
But I must confess that this is a tough battle to fight…Especially since I don’t have much close relatives and my daddy is my closest blood relative to me…He is 80 years old and I know that he may not have much time left on this earth…And when he is gone, I will feel like an orphan…(I love you daddy)…
The tears can’t stop flowing as I write this…
From the heart of a 10 year old girl, in a 29 year old body…
I will pray, sing and meditate on Ps. 61:1-3
Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.
And when my heart is overwhelmed, Lord lead me to the rock that is higher than I….That is higher than I.
Background- For the past year (LITERALLY) I have been trying to get my father to come and visit me in North Carolina. Since I have been in the U.S. NONE of my family have visited me…NOT EVEN FOR GRADUATION!! I digress. To be honest, I feel a little…no, a LOT hurt by that sometimes. I have been blessed to have my in-laws, friends, and church family near and far come and visit…But for some reason, it’s not my family’s prerogative. I have visited them…from NY to CA…I have visited my sisters…But I am still waiting on the day they would chose to visit me. Anyway, since we got our new home last year I have been asking my dad to come and visit me. At first, I told him that I wanted him to come and help us paint the house…I thought it would be a noble task for my daddy to help paint one of my rooms. Unfortunately, my step mother did not take me seriously and when it was time for me to buy the tickets, I got a WHOLE lot of BS…One big hullabaloo. My oldest sister even got involved and told me that I should NOT plan things without telling mom (my step mom) first. See, the problem was that my step mom never took me seriously…and it was ONLY when I told my father I purchased the ticket (I lied), everyone started to make a big deal out of it…
Well after several tense email exchanges with my oldest sister in November 2009, I was told that dad could not travel because my step mom was planning to have a surgery…A surgery that has not happened up to now! After the last email my sister sent me (which was way out of line) I never responded…and I have not spoken to her since…I decided that I was fed up of the crap she was dishing out. And I was simply tired of her talking down to me like I am some child of hers! Initially I had typed a response…but I never sent it…I recently emailed her a short “how are you doing?” email, but I have not heard back. Ah well…
Then in April, I found out that daddy went on a cruise…Hmmm, how interesting that you guys can plan a cruise to the freaking Caribbean, but not a 2 hour trip to see me! In June he went to Trinidad…and TODAY, I find out he is going to California by my sister.
WTH!!! So hold up…Am I just being tossed aside like nothing?????
OK, so today I called and my step mother answered…and usually she talks for a few minutes and passes the phone to my father…This time I decided to ask a question upfront before she had time to pass the phone. So I told her I would like for them to come to my house warming on September 25…It was then she told me (after pondering the date for a while) that they plan to go to LA…maybe around that time. OH really! So I decided to push a little and I asked her if they were not planning to visit me. And then she started on her usual rampage about how she does not visit any of the other children, and she does not like to go by anyone, and that I know why they HAVE TO GO to LA…So I asked why they had to go??…if it was because of health reasons? And said to me that I am smart and I know why…And just send a picture of the house…And then she hastily came off the phone and passed it to my dad.
Well, by that time I was in tears…And all I said to my father was hello…and silence…how are you? He asked me what was wrong and said that I didn’t sound like myself…Awww, how sweet *tear* So I told him that I heard that he was going to California and that it seems like he’s not making plans to come visit me. He said that he was not sure what was going on but my sister (who is a pediatrician) wanted him to come back to CA so he could see the doctors there and get checked out…OK, fair enough I thought…BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!??? I told him that since last year he has been promising to visit me and since then he has been on a cruise, made it to Trinidad and now going to CA!!! Why am I getting the bitter end of the stick??? He told me not to worry and he promises that he would come…He said that he would come even if he has to come alone…And he will come before the year is done…Probably when he gets back from CA. But this was the first time, in the past year, that my dad really spoke to my heart…And I felt that he really understood how hurt I have been by him not visiting me…And I hope (like the 10 year old girl within me)…I hope he comes through.
Even though my step mom said that she does not visit the other kids, I know my daddy…and I know that he would like to visit me…I know in his heart he wants to…and that’s all that matters to me…
But I must confess that this is a tough battle to fight…Especially since I don’t have much close relatives and my daddy is my closest blood relative to me…He is 80 years old and I know that he may not have much time left on this earth…And when he is gone, I will feel like an orphan…(I love you daddy)…
The tears can’t stop flowing as I write this…
From the heart of a 10 year old girl, in a 29 year old body…
I will pray, sing and meditate on Ps. 61:1-3
Psalm 61
1Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy.
And when my heart is overwhelmed, Lord lead me to the rock that is higher than I….That is higher than I.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Acceptance
I made a revelation…Well actually a friend helped me to make a revelation…
I made contact with my friend (Read post Friends are Not Forever). It was an email…a simple email…but none the less - contact. After 9 months of silence, I decided to break the silence. And all I asked was “how are you doing? It’s been a while.”
It took a lot out of me to make that step. I did not want to be the “bigger person.” When you are hurt, and upset you could care less about being mature, wise, blah blah blah. I was hurt, and for a while I allowed my hurt feelings to allow our friendship to dwindle away. I felt that if she loved me, and cared anything about our friendship, she would fight for me. But when she didn’t, her actions told me that she could do without me and our friendship. She was like a sister to me…Friends since I was 15…and it devastated me to think that she would just let it go without a fight. That devastation caused many tears on my part for several months…
And for several months I had anger building inside of me…I had hurt tearing me apart inside…For several months I WANTED to call her...OR email her…But I didn’t. I didn’t, because I knew that the words that I would have told her would have been mean and hateful. I had to come to a place where I could talk to her on her level – as normal.
Whenever I thought about talking with her I got mad…Because I knew that she would talk to me as if everything was normal or okay. That to me is hypocritical! If I know we have beef, I cannot pretend to talk to you as if everything is okay. BUT, that is me – NOT her. And I came to the realization (with the help of another friend) that even though she may talk to me “as normal” that does not mean she is okay with how things are…Even though she may not bring up the presenting problem that does not mean she does not want it resolved…And even though I am the type of person who has to talk about it to make it right, she is not. She is fully capable of working out a situation with herself, in her mind and moving forward successfully. Well, seemingly successfully…until the situation blows up again. She has a very forgiving heart that sometimes allows her to move forward without dealing with a problem constructively.
I did not appreciate that about her. I felt that she should have told me whatever I did that bothered her…and not someone else. I felt that she should have seen that something was wrong with me, and asked what happened…I felt that she should have not allowed 9 months to go by…
But I was reminded by another friend that I know her…I know who she is as a person…I know her heart…And so, I was able to write…and when she responded “as normal,” I didn’t get upset, because I knew that is who she is. I anticipated that her response would be positive, as if nothing ever happened, and 9 months didn’t just go by. And so said, so done…She responded very positively and has not dared ask me what happened…But, I cannot be surprised because I know that she avoids conflict…at all costs.
I had hoped that since she knew me, knew my heart, and knew that I needed to have this resolved in order for us to move forward, that she would do something…say something…and fight for us…for our friendship….Instead, she said she does not want to deal with this right now and she does not know if she ever will. She didn’t say this to me directly…but hearing that killed me. I think she was and is willing to allow our friendship to dissolve. I think that if I had not contacted her that she probably would not have contacted me…
At this stage I am not sure what I want to do…I have a strange feeling that she does not think she did anything wrong in this situation (i.e. avoid conflict, and avoided contact). I think she considers herself the victim in this situation…Like the person who was done wrong…And then with wide open, forgiving arms is perhaps waiting to welcome me back.
But we both need to come to the table and admit that we did each other wrong. She didn’t call me, and I didn’t call her. She avoided conflict and I helped her to avoid it by not confronting her. She abandoned our friendship and so did I. Though our reasons behind why we did what we did may be different…it still remains that our actions mirrored each other.
The revelation – accept a friend for who they are. Don’t be mad when they behave within their nature. Know they are not perfect…Know they may not love you the way you want to be loved, but that does not mean they don’t love you.
I made contact with my friend (Read post Friends are Not Forever). It was an email…a simple email…but none the less - contact. After 9 months of silence, I decided to break the silence. And all I asked was “how are you doing? It’s been a while.”
It took a lot out of me to make that step. I did not want to be the “bigger person.” When you are hurt, and upset you could care less about being mature, wise, blah blah blah. I was hurt, and for a while I allowed my hurt feelings to allow our friendship to dwindle away. I felt that if she loved me, and cared anything about our friendship, she would fight for me. But when she didn’t, her actions told me that she could do without me and our friendship. She was like a sister to me…Friends since I was 15…and it devastated me to think that she would just let it go without a fight. That devastation caused many tears on my part for several months…
And for several months I had anger building inside of me…I had hurt tearing me apart inside…For several months I WANTED to call her...OR email her…But I didn’t. I didn’t, because I knew that the words that I would have told her would have been mean and hateful. I had to come to a place where I could talk to her on her level – as normal.
Whenever I thought about talking with her I got mad…Because I knew that she would talk to me as if everything was normal or okay. That to me is hypocritical! If I know we have beef, I cannot pretend to talk to you as if everything is okay. BUT, that is me – NOT her. And I came to the realization (with the help of another friend) that even though she may talk to me “as normal” that does not mean she is okay with how things are…Even though she may not bring up the presenting problem that does not mean she does not want it resolved…And even though I am the type of person who has to talk about it to make it right, she is not. She is fully capable of working out a situation with herself, in her mind and moving forward successfully. Well, seemingly successfully…until the situation blows up again. She has a very forgiving heart that sometimes allows her to move forward without dealing with a problem constructively.
I did not appreciate that about her. I felt that she should have told me whatever I did that bothered her…and not someone else. I felt that she should have seen that something was wrong with me, and asked what happened…I felt that she should have not allowed 9 months to go by…
But I was reminded by another friend that I know her…I know who she is as a person…I know her heart…And so, I was able to write…and when she responded “as normal,” I didn’t get upset, because I knew that is who she is. I anticipated that her response would be positive, as if nothing ever happened, and 9 months didn’t just go by. And so said, so done…She responded very positively and has not dared ask me what happened…But, I cannot be surprised because I know that she avoids conflict…at all costs.
I had hoped that since she knew me, knew my heart, and knew that I needed to have this resolved in order for us to move forward, that she would do something…say something…and fight for us…for our friendship….Instead, she said she does not want to deal with this right now and she does not know if she ever will. She didn’t say this to me directly…but hearing that killed me. I think she was and is willing to allow our friendship to dissolve. I think that if I had not contacted her that she probably would not have contacted me…
At this stage I am not sure what I want to do…I have a strange feeling that she does not think she did anything wrong in this situation (i.e. avoid conflict, and avoided contact). I think she considers herself the victim in this situation…Like the person who was done wrong…And then with wide open, forgiving arms is perhaps waiting to welcome me back.
But we both need to come to the table and admit that we did each other wrong. She didn’t call me, and I didn’t call her. She avoided conflict and I helped her to avoid it by not confronting her. She abandoned our friendship and so did I. Though our reasons behind why we did what we did may be different…it still remains that our actions mirrored each other.
The revelation – accept a friend for who they are. Don’t be mad when they behave within their nature. Know they are not perfect…Know they may not love you the way you want to be loved, but that does not mean they don’t love you.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Conflict Avoiding in Marriage
People say marriage is HARD!….It’s no easy street….It’s not all it’s cracked out to be…But why? I wonder to myself why marriage can’t be easy?…Why can’t be easy street?…And why can’t it be something that gets better with time…Like wine…??
I have been married for 4 years. And I must confess that I have had an easy four years compared to what others have experienced. I sometimes wonder when my turn will come…When I would wake up to realize that I no longer love my husband. Or when he would no longer love me? Yes, I wonder these things…because I do not understand how so many romantics end up bitter and divorced in less than 7 years. I’m tearful and sad as I think about what the devil is doing to our families...And what he is doing to my friends…:-(
My husband and I talked about some reasons several marriages dwindle and die. One of the major contributing factors to a dying marriage is unresolved conflict. There are times when we must turn a blind eye so we don’t go “crazy.” That’s called, “not sweating the small stuff.” So he forgot to take out the garbage, or he didn’t wash his dinner plate…Or maybe she is fussing at you because the kids are up past their bedtime, or she is closing the church building when you are ready to go home. You get the gist…The small stuff in the grand scheme of things should not break your relationship…And is usually not worth the negative energy we sometimes display. You can control your reaction, and tell yourself that I have a good man, or a good woman. Ladies, if you have a man who loves you more than anything, and actively tries to please you, cut him some slack if or when he messes up. Likewise men, you know if you have a woman who is serving you and treating you like a king, indulge her seemingly insignificant requests if it would make her happy. Don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out how pointless your spouse’s request is and trying to convince them why they need to “lay off!”
But there are times and situations that warrant us to actively engage in conflict. Your relationship will determine what these conflicts are. I say anything that can potentially threaten the happiness of your marriage you should deal with it. I asked my husband how he determines what is worth battling over and what is worth leaving alone. He said that if he is unable to put aside the negative situation permanently and NEVER give it a second thought, then it’s worth bring up. He said for him, if he thinks about the situation and decides to leave it alone, but later he thinks about it again, then he knows that he needs to deal with it. I told him that he is a conflict avoider (UNLIKE me!) and that he never really brings up negative situations to me…But during the course of an argument, it comes bolting out de door…Which only adds fuel to the fire. He did acknowledge that he has done that but has promised to deal with conflict there and then.
In his words…When you deal with conflict as it occurs its help your relationship to grow. In the process of dealing with conflict you move closer as a couple because it forces you to concur a problem. During this process you also develop a certain skill set that will make it easier to move through different levels of conflict with greater ease. Too many times we end up cheating ourselves of this growth when we avoid conflict. These basic skills are exactly what is needed to create a happy and healthy marriage.
Avoiding conflict can take many forms…It can be straight up avoiding negative situations all together. You feel upset, but you keep those upset feelings to yourself…You may say that you just can’t bother to deal with the stress, so you chose to avoid it. Eventually these suppressed feelings manifest itself in a way that is often unhealthy for the relationship. Sometimes it’s used to add fuel to the fire and not really deal with the situation at hand.
We may think that people who avoid conflict are often quiet in nature…not loud mouths like me. However I believe that conflict avoiders can make noise too. The problem is the noise does not yield any positive results. I think I may have found myself in this situation on several occasions. Often times the “noise” is just sounds of frustration. Sometimes the only thing it serves to do is berate or disrespect our spouse. After we have said our “peace” we leave it alone. Yes, we may have acknowledged that there is a problem, but we never made any movements towards resolving the conflict. In essence, there was a problem, we yelled at our spouse, and then we swept it under the rug until the next time another problem pops up. Can you imagine if these problems crop up every day? Can you imagine what that “noise” does to your spouse? Would it be better to work towards resolving the conflict once and for all, than fight about it every day? Here is a real life example. I am somewhat of a neat freak. I don’t enjoy the process of cleaning but I love a clean home. My husband also enjoys a clean home…the problem is he also enjoys it when its messed up too. In other words, he’s not going to care if the bed isn’t made, or the dishes sit in the sink a few days. So let’s pretend that there are some dirty dishes sitting in the sink for 3 days. At this point I am upset that he has not washed up as promised. As he walks through the door I greet him with a complaint. “Why you aint wash de wears yet!?” I am sure he was looking forward to such a warm welcome. His response, “sorry hon, I forgot.” Me – “WHAT YOU MEAN YOU FORGET!? YOU DIDN’T JUST DROP A PLATE IN THERE THIS MORNING! DIDN’T YOU SEE THE SINK THEN!” He gets silent, I go upstairs. In this situation I have managed to confront the conflict and avoid it at the same time. I pout for a few hours, and then I am “back to normal.” The following week we repeat the same cycle. After a few years of this my mild feelings of annoyance will turn into a mountain of frustration…Before long, my husband would not be looking forward to coming home. Making noise is a good way to avoid dealing with conflict.
So what’s a good way to resolve this situation? Firstly, start by communicating with your spouse how much it means to you when he helps out. Let him know your desires, never assume he should know. Try to establish a routine…Maybe after dinner we both would put the dishes in the dishwasher. Decide on something that is practical for both of you. After a 12 hour day I wouldn’t want to wash dishes either…Listen to your spouse too…You want him to care about your wants or desires…be respectful of his wants or desires. He has every right to come home and just unwind in peace. Give him that. It’s all about meeting each other’s needs, not just your needs. Remember, you care more about the dishes than he does, so make sure to thank him for taking the time to help you. Don’t ever have an attitude of, “why should I thank him for something that he is SUPPOSED to do?” Truth be told, he does not HAVE to do anything. God gave everyone free choice. He is choosing to love you, just like you are choosing to serve him. Whenever I serve my husband’s food he says, “thank you baby.” That makes me feel that he appreciates my efforts to serve him, and he enjoys it. Sometimes I feel so good I’ll wash the dishes! LOL!
Another way of avoiding conflict is denial…Denying that there is a major problem in the relationship and downplaying it as one of the “small stuff.” You might tell yourself that if you make yourself okay with the insane situation, then everything would be okay. You don’t acknowledge how bad your situation really is. For example, your spouse comes home and tells you that he/she is moving to another country for work “with or without you.” You are in the middle of completing your PhD and cannot believe why your spouse would abandon you without any thought for you or discussion with you. After expressing your frustration with the situation, you eventually decide to “leave it alone” and stop “complaining” to your spouse. You tell yourself that your spouse is okay with moving away, otherwise he/she would not have chosen to move. In the end you decide to resolve the situation by moving with your spouse. However you have not dealt with the conflict presented in this relationship at all. In essence you have placed a Band-Aid on wound that needed major surgery! Here are several things that need addressing in this scenario…
• Communication – Both partners in this relationship need to learn basic communication skills. Perhaps the spouse in denial needs to learn how to effectively communicate problems and concerns.
• Respect for your spouse as an equal partner – Is one person more important than the other? By making life changing decisions without consulting your partner you have determined that you are more important.
• Compromise - it seems like the spouse who wants to move had made up their mind already – it’s my way or the highway! There was no room for compromise because there was no discussion before a decision was made.
• Love –When we truly examine what love really means in a marriage, we can see that this was clearly missing….on both sides…Yes, both sides. I think it’s obvious how love was missing with the spouse who decided to move with or without their counterpart. In a marriage, love is not that romantic feeling you feel in the pit of your stomach. Love in a marriage, is serving your mate, trying to fulfill their needs, putting yourself second and esteeming your mate better than yourself. Can you imagine when two people treat each other this way? Both parties actively trying to make the other happy first and foremost. That is a marriage made in heaven. And that was clearly missing. But, what about the partner who received the bitter end of the stick? How was love missing there? Love was missing because he/she chose to ignore major problems in the relationship. Problems that will eventually stifle a relationship and cause it to die.
Love is what motivates me to deal with conflict. Love is what motivates me to deal with tough situations in my marriage. Love is what makes me cry my heart out to my mate so we can reign triumphant and become a better, and stronger couple.
God provides situations (conflict) to help our relationships grow, to teach us the true meaning of love, and create a deeper more meaningful relationship with our mate than we can ever imagine. God allows us to experience conflict, so we can experience true happiness in our marriage. When we deal with conflict, and not avoid it, we have consciously made a decision to safe guard our marriage and build a strong relationship that the devil will never shake.
Conflict is not always easy to deal with. Sometimes we may even find ourselves in situations where we are going in circles, and never able to communicate effectively about what is bothering us. In those situations, never be too proud to seek help. Help can come in the form of a therapist who can provide the couple with basic skills in communication and dealing with conflict in a positive way. Is your relationship worth this investment? Relationship books also provide a great resource for tips and best practices. Would you make the time to read so you can build and grow your relationship? And of course, never forget the power of prayer. With a constant focus of developing your spiritual self, you will always be presented with life challenges that lead you straight to JESUS. Thankfully God has given us so many resources to help us. Now it’s up to us to accept the challenge.
I have been married for 4 years. And I must confess that I have had an easy four years compared to what others have experienced. I sometimes wonder when my turn will come…When I would wake up to realize that I no longer love my husband. Or when he would no longer love me? Yes, I wonder these things…because I do not understand how so many romantics end up bitter and divorced in less than 7 years. I’m tearful and sad as I think about what the devil is doing to our families...And what he is doing to my friends…:-(
My husband and I talked about some reasons several marriages dwindle and die. One of the major contributing factors to a dying marriage is unresolved conflict. There are times when we must turn a blind eye so we don’t go “crazy.” That’s called, “not sweating the small stuff.” So he forgot to take out the garbage, or he didn’t wash his dinner plate…Or maybe she is fussing at you because the kids are up past their bedtime, or she is closing the church building when you are ready to go home. You get the gist…The small stuff in the grand scheme of things should not break your relationship…And is usually not worth the negative energy we sometimes display. You can control your reaction, and tell yourself that I have a good man, or a good woman. Ladies, if you have a man who loves you more than anything, and actively tries to please you, cut him some slack if or when he messes up. Likewise men, you know if you have a woman who is serving you and treating you like a king, indulge her seemingly insignificant requests if it would make her happy. Don’t waste time and energy trying to figure out how pointless your spouse’s request is and trying to convince them why they need to “lay off!”
But there are times and situations that warrant us to actively engage in conflict. Your relationship will determine what these conflicts are. I say anything that can potentially threaten the happiness of your marriage you should deal with it. I asked my husband how he determines what is worth battling over and what is worth leaving alone. He said that if he is unable to put aside the negative situation permanently and NEVER give it a second thought, then it’s worth bring up. He said for him, if he thinks about the situation and decides to leave it alone, but later he thinks about it again, then he knows that he needs to deal with it. I told him that he is a conflict avoider (UNLIKE me!) and that he never really brings up negative situations to me…But during the course of an argument, it comes bolting out de door…Which only adds fuel to the fire. He did acknowledge that he has done that but has promised to deal with conflict there and then.
In his words…When you deal with conflict as it occurs its help your relationship to grow. In the process of dealing with conflict you move closer as a couple because it forces you to concur a problem. During this process you also develop a certain skill set that will make it easier to move through different levels of conflict with greater ease. Too many times we end up cheating ourselves of this growth when we avoid conflict. These basic skills are exactly what is needed to create a happy and healthy marriage.
Avoiding conflict can take many forms…It can be straight up avoiding negative situations all together. You feel upset, but you keep those upset feelings to yourself…You may say that you just can’t bother to deal with the stress, so you chose to avoid it. Eventually these suppressed feelings manifest itself in a way that is often unhealthy for the relationship. Sometimes it’s used to add fuel to the fire and not really deal with the situation at hand.
We may think that people who avoid conflict are often quiet in nature…not loud mouths like me. However I believe that conflict avoiders can make noise too. The problem is the noise does not yield any positive results. I think I may have found myself in this situation on several occasions. Often times the “noise” is just sounds of frustration. Sometimes the only thing it serves to do is berate or disrespect our spouse. After we have said our “peace” we leave it alone. Yes, we may have acknowledged that there is a problem, but we never made any movements towards resolving the conflict. In essence, there was a problem, we yelled at our spouse, and then we swept it under the rug until the next time another problem pops up. Can you imagine if these problems crop up every day? Can you imagine what that “noise” does to your spouse? Would it be better to work towards resolving the conflict once and for all, than fight about it every day? Here is a real life example. I am somewhat of a neat freak. I don’t enjoy the process of cleaning but I love a clean home. My husband also enjoys a clean home…the problem is he also enjoys it when its messed up too. In other words, he’s not going to care if the bed isn’t made, or the dishes sit in the sink a few days. So let’s pretend that there are some dirty dishes sitting in the sink for 3 days. At this point I am upset that he has not washed up as promised. As he walks through the door I greet him with a complaint. “Why you aint wash de wears yet!?” I am sure he was looking forward to such a warm welcome. His response, “sorry hon, I forgot.” Me – “WHAT YOU MEAN YOU FORGET!? YOU DIDN’T JUST DROP A PLATE IN THERE THIS MORNING! DIDN’T YOU SEE THE SINK THEN!” He gets silent, I go upstairs. In this situation I have managed to confront the conflict and avoid it at the same time. I pout for a few hours, and then I am “back to normal.” The following week we repeat the same cycle. After a few years of this my mild feelings of annoyance will turn into a mountain of frustration…Before long, my husband would not be looking forward to coming home. Making noise is a good way to avoid dealing with conflict.
So what’s a good way to resolve this situation? Firstly, start by communicating with your spouse how much it means to you when he helps out. Let him know your desires, never assume he should know. Try to establish a routine…Maybe after dinner we both would put the dishes in the dishwasher. Decide on something that is practical for both of you. After a 12 hour day I wouldn’t want to wash dishes either…Listen to your spouse too…You want him to care about your wants or desires…be respectful of his wants or desires. He has every right to come home and just unwind in peace. Give him that. It’s all about meeting each other’s needs, not just your needs. Remember, you care more about the dishes than he does, so make sure to thank him for taking the time to help you. Don’t ever have an attitude of, “why should I thank him for something that he is SUPPOSED to do?” Truth be told, he does not HAVE to do anything. God gave everyone free choice. He is choosing to love you, just like you are choosing to serve him. Whenever I serve my husband’s food he says, “thank you baby.” That makes me feel that he appreciates my efforts to serve him, and he enjoys it. Sometimes I feel so good I’ll wash the dishes! LOL!
Another way of avoiding conflict is denial…Denying that there is a major problem in the relationship and downplaying it as one of the “small stuff.” You might tell yourself that if you make yourself okay with the insane situation, then everything would be okay. You don’t acknowledge how bad your situation really is. For example, your spouse comes home and tells you that he/she is moving to another country for work “with or without you.” You are in the middle of completing your PhD and cannot believe why your spouse would abandon you without any thought for you or discussion with you. After expressing your frustration with the situation, you eventually decide to “leave it alone” and stop “complaining” to your spouse. You tell yourself that your spouse is okay with moving away, otherwise he/she would not have chosen to move. In the end you decide to resolve the situation by moving with your spouse. However you have not dealt with the conflict presented in this relationship at all. In essence you have placed a Band-Aid on wound that needed major surgery! Here are several things that need addressing in this scenario…
• Communication – Both partners in this relationship need to learn basic communication skills. Perhaps the spouse in denial needs to learn how to effectively communicate problems and concerns.
• Respect for your spouse as an equal partner – Is one person more important than the other? By making life changing decisions without consulting your partner you have determined that you are more important.
• Compromise - it seems like the spouse who wants to move had made up their mind already – it’s my way or the highway! There was no room for compromise because there was no discussion before a decision was made.
• Love –When we truly examine what love really means in a marriage, we can see that this was clearly missing….on both sides…Yes, both sides. I think it’s obvious how love was missing with the spouse who decided to move with or without their counterpart. In a marriage, love is not that romantic feeling you feel in the pit of your stomach. Love in a marriage, is serving your mate, trying to fulfill their needs, putting yourself second and esteeming your mate better than yourself. Can you imagine when two people treat each other this way? Both parties actively trying to make the other happy first and foremost. That is a marriage made in heaven. And that was clearly missing. But, what about the partner who received the bitter end of the stick? How was love missing there? Love was missing because he/she chose to ignore major problems in the relationship. Problems that will eventually stifle a relationship and cause it to die.
Love is what motivates me to deal with conflict. Love is what motivates me to deal with tough situations in my marriage. Love is what makes me cry my heart out to my mate so we can reign triumphant and become a better, and stronger couple.
God provides situations (conflict) to help our relationships grow, to teach us the true meaning of love, and create a deeper more meaningful relationship with our mate than we can ever imagine. God allows us to experience conflict, so we can experience true happiness in our marriage. When we deal with conflict, and not avoid it, we have consciously made a decision to safe guard our marriage and build a strong relationship that the devil will never shake.
Conflict is not always easy to deal with. Sometimes we may even find ourselves in situations where we are going in circles, and never able to communicate effectively about what is bothering us. In those situations, never be too proud to seek help. Help can come in the form of a therapist who can provide the couple with basic skills in communication and dealing with conflict in a positive way. Is your relationship worth this investment? Relationship books also provide a great resource for tips and best practices. Would you make the time to read so you can build and grow your relationship? And of course, never forget the power of prayer. With a constant focus of developing your spiritual self, you will always be presented with life challenges that lead you straight to JESUS. Thankfully God has given us so many resources to help us. Now it’s up to us to accept the challenge.
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