Humble Beginnings

In 1998 I met Jared at the28th annual Caribbean Lectureship that was hosted in my home country of Trinidad. We were both 17 years old at the time. He came with his parents along with the Mona Acapella choir from Jamaica. Our paths crossed thanks to my best friend, Tammy. She introduced “Brother Kiddoe’s” son to me. She knew of him because his dad stayed at their house a couple years aback.
Well, at the time I had a boyfriend so I was not interested in anything romantic. A little naïve, I asked if we could be friends. Well, mister had something else in mind and said that if he can’t have me then we can’t be friends. HOW IMMATURE! Humph! We spent a bit of time during the lectureship getting to know each other. Again, I just wanted to be friends…but he wanted more. We exchanged contact info the last day. Over the next two years I probable wrote him a couple times and spoke to him on the phone a couple times. Nothing serious. He told me that he was planning to attend college in the U.S. Ironically, I wanted to study abroad myself!

Two years later the lectureship was being host by the Church of Christ in St. Lucia. I made plans to attend and called him a couple weeks before to find out if he was going. He said he was not sure. Ah well, I was just excited to venture out of the country to see another beautiful island! By that time I was fourteen months into my second relationship. A relationship characterized by turmoil and utter frustration, while at the same time deeply attached to each other. At 19 I already had in mind that I would marry him…We had joint accounts and everything! But there was something wrong…We argued more than we had fun…But he was a budding preacher…and good brother…But something was not right…I cried more than I smiled. I was frustrated by the image of appear to be a great couple when I knew we were not!!! Something was wrong.

When I went to the Caribbean Lectureship in St. Lucia and I figured out what was wrong…I had lost myself in this man. I had depended on him for my happiness…I was looking for him to give me what no one could give me…happiness. As I attended the lectures and fellowshipped with the saints, my soul was on a spiritual high…And for the first time in a LONG time, I was at peace, I was happy. I am thankful for this Lectureship because it changed the course of my life. At 19, I honestly thought I was destined to be unhappy. I thought that he was the best I could do and I would just have to live like this…unhappy.

Sunday we went to worship (the first day of the lectureship) and there was Jared! Yaaay! You made it! What a pleasant surprise :-). We hung out with each other for the entire lectureship. I was mesmerized by his witty charm. For a brief moment I had forgotten about my dreadful relationship. Until he called…Yep, he called me just to see how I was doing…And I was UP-SET! “Why are you calling me!? Can’t I get a break!?” That is when it hit me…He was not the one for me…I know I can be happy because I am happy right now…Happy to be away from you…Crazy! As soon as I got back to Trinidad at the end of that week I told him that I can’t do it anymore…I can’t continue with our relationship. And we ended a 14 month relationship. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do…We were soooo connected…We were physically connected…and I think dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

I told myself that this year is for me…Just for me…to work on me, to work on my relationship with God, and to learn to be happy with myself, by myself. Jared and I acknowledged that we liked each other, but I made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship. I did not want him to be the rebound man. So we remained friends. And for that year we talked on line, kept in touch and just worked on getting to know each other as friends. That December I traveled to Jamaica to visit with him. I almost went to Grenada instead but thank God that didn’t work out :-).

Funny story – When I went to JA, I told Jared that we could not be together because I wanted to be a preacher’s wife…And since he wanted to be a doctor, we could not work out. Hahahaha. I was serious too. That was probably the day after Christmas and poor Jared was depressed. We continued as friends, and I eventually grew to realize that I should be with someone for who they are, not their profession. By the following summer, Jared came to Trinidad and we became “official” at age 20. We dated long distance for 5 years. Two of those years I was in Trinidad and he was in Texas! The other three years, I was in SC and he was in NC.

At age 25 we jumped the broom and we have been happily married for 4 years. I look at him and I can’t help but think that I picked the right one!!

Last week we went to the 40th annual Caribbean Lectureship that was held in Trinidad. It was great to go back to where we started. Two ditsy 17 year old…From since that time so much has changed. I graduated high school, did A’Levels, went to Preaching School for two years…Came to the U.S. and completed my undergrad in 3 years, got married, started working, completed my MSW, bought a house and car, got a promotion…Jared graduated from ACU with a Biochemistry degree…then went to Duke Med and came out with a M.D. AND M.A. in Psychology. He is now in his 3rd year of residency and is practicing in the field of Psychiatry. I would have never imagined how the Lord would have led us to where we are now…God is amazing.

Last week at the Caribbean lectureship, Jared (with my assistance) presented a 3 day parenting workshop. He feels so passionate about making a difference and felt that the one sure way to make a difference is to start with the parents. Since he eventually wants to work with children, he knows that it is almost impossible to work with a child if their parents are not on board. They can undo all the good that was done in therapy. So he thought what better way to help, than to teach parents how to be better parents…And then they can raise better children…And ultimately strengthen our communities. He has invested a lot of time and energy researching the parenting field, and sourcing materials that have been evidenced based. It was amazing to see how someone so young, with no kids of his own, be able to use his professional experience in working with this families, and his education background, to translate that into something the church can benefit from.

The feedback from the class was excellent! One sister even said that she has to go home and apologize to her two kids (17 & 24). WOW. That alone told me that the class was successful. To God be the glory!

I am so proud of you honey…And proud to see our humble beginnings. I cannot wait to see what the future will hold and how the Lord will continue to use us to strengthen his church.

Memoirs of a Wife

The day before the wedding-
I must be the luckiest woman in the world. I can’t believe the day is almost here!!! I have dreamed about this moment ever since I was a little girl, and it could not be more perfect! I know he is going to make me happy forever…He is a strong man of God. He comes from a good Christian family, he grew up in the church. I know he will lead our family and remain faithful to me and to God. He’s the perfect gentleman too! He is an example to so many people in church. They all look up to him…And guess what…HE’s MINE!!!

The honeymoon-

I am married to this chocolate hunk of a brother! He’s is so fine! I just want him to hold me, and cuddle with me…Let me just sit here and savor this moment…this is just pure bliss…perfection…And on top of that we get to do this forever. I’m so in love!

After the honeymoon-

I hope I will be able to make him happy. I have to get used to this new life…I want to serve him and support him…But I wonder sometimes if I am doing things right. Sometimes I feel like I am not being a good wife because I don’t cook all the time. I am not used to waking up at 5am and making breakfast, cooking dinner, and cleaning all the time…I hope he thinks I’m okay.

Beyond the honeymoon-

It would be nice if every once in a while he offered to help me with the chores!! We talked about this before we got married and he agreed that he would take out the trash and do the dishes…I just don’t get it! Why is he not living up to his end of the bargain!? Why does he think that I am the only one responsible for this!? Ugh! It just drives me crazy!!

Then he has the AUDACITY to tell me that he does this and that and I don’t acknowledge that…or tell him thanks. I just don’t understand why he thinks that he needs a thank you for something he is supposed to do…PLEASE! I don’t see him thanking me when I make the bed, or do laundry. But noooooo, the moment he does one little thing he is waiting for me to pat him on his back. Next thing he will be expecting me to thank him for brushing his teeth or taking a shower. No, this is just ridiculous now!

OK, and what is up with this intimacy thing…GOOD NIGHT! He can’t expect that I will always be available and on call whenever he wants it! After I go to work all day, and spend so much time cooking and cleaning…I’m tired man! I can’t even remember the last time he just held me…and cuddled. It’s like the romance went out the door! HELLO!

I’ll end with this one…

You know, I am starting to wonder if this man really went to school…Because sometimes its like he does not use his brain!! The other day he invited his parents over WITHOUT consulting with me first. I come home, thinking that I am going to relax after a long and taxing work week and low and behold I see his parents sitting on my couch! I understand that they don’t visit often, but I think it’s just wrong for him not to tell me they were coming. First of all the house was a mess…They probably think I am a bad wife…and then I just was not mentally prepared to have these people in my space. This is not the first time he has done this and it just pisses me off!

Can’t he just try to do better? Why should I have to hit the ceiling and the roof before he hears what I am saying!! UGH he makes me so mad sometimes!!!
Where is the man I married!?

Moving

This post is dedicated to my sisters who are faced with having to move in the not too distant future…


I lived in the same place for the first 20 years of my life. Sometime around age 20 or 21 I unofficially started living with my best friend and her family. It started off as weekend visits, that turned into every weekend, that turned into staying the week, that just turned into staying months…I am and will be eternally grateful to God and to the Harris family for their kind hospitality. But after 2 years of living there, and a wanting to move forward with my life, I was more than ready to leave...I had a boyfriend in the US and I was desperate to come to the US. By July 2003 we had a long distance relationship going for 2 years. Trust me; I was ready for a move…But as luck would have it, I didn’t get a scholarship to any of the schools I applied for. I knew that the ONLY way I could come to the U.S. was if I got a full ride…My hope was broken, and my chances of being together with the man I was hoping to marry one day was fading…Then…in July…of 2003…I got the letter…THE SCHOLARSHIP LETTER!

In August of 2003 I made the BIG MOVE…I left everything I knew, everything I was familiar with, and I left the place I had eventually grown to love…I left my church family and my friends who were near and dear to me…I left, but I was ready!! I was ready to be closer to my boy! Closer to my family! And closer to my living my own life!

I arrived at JFK in Aug 2003 and I feverishly looked for a familiar face…But I didn’t see anyone. Where was my family? They were supposed to pick me up at the airport! It was at that point I feel a bout of aloneness…I thought about my friends I left behind…And how I never once was abandoned at an airport. I dragged my luggage to a chair and cried for 45 minutes nonstop. I eventually pulled myself together and found the strength to walk to the nearby pay phone and called my step mom. At that point I was yelled at for not calling earlier and not telling them what airline I was coming in on. You see, coming from a small country, it didn’t matter what airline you came in on because everyone exits through the same door…OKAY, so NY was a little bigger than I imagined and I didn’t realize different flights have different exits and pick up points. But if they knew this, why didn’t they call and ask?

So, not exactly the warm welcome I was expecting…My heart longed for home…My heart missed home, my friends, my church family…I was sad.

I stayed in NY a few days and then flew to ATL. I was met by an old friend from Trinidad who drove me 3 hours to Columbia, SC. It’s amazing how friends can be more dependable that your own family. Anyway, I digress. When I got to Benedict College (BC) some lady told me that registration was closed and asked if I could come back tomorrow! So my friend was gracious enough to take me to his home 2 hours away! The next day I came back (in time) and got my room assignment. We went shopping for basic essentials (linens, pillows, towels, etc.) and my friend left…At that point that lonely feeling started creeping back in. But this is what I wanted…Right!?

I eventually settled in and met a few other international students. Truthfully, they were my source of sanity for the majority of my 3 year stint at BC. For the first two year at BC, I did not have ANY American friends in school. I did make a few friends at church…But I felt so different culturally…like an outsider…I just didn’t relate…and I really didn’t care to. I hated the school…and the mindlessness that I was surrounded by. I couldn’t wait to leave!

After two years I started to open up myself more…I started to see that there were good people amidst the mindlessness…and I made friends…American friends! I started to feel more settled and content. At the end of three years I was 25 years old, graduating and planning a wedding! Another major move and life step. As I thought about moving to North Carolina, I felt so sad that I cried. I cried because I was going to another place where I had no friends…I felt that I had finally established a support network that really helped me to survive BC, and I was leaving all that behind to go to a place where I didn’t have that. It took me so long before I finally found a church home where I was comfortable, and friends I could relate to even though they were not like me…And just as I was getting comfortable, it was time to leave. BUT AGAIN, this was a move that I was ready for. I was ready to leave BC and start my life as a married woman!

When I moved to NC in 2006 I determined that I would fight with all my will to fit in…AND not take 3 years to do so! I did not have a circle of international friends to make me comfortable and feel like home. Knowing that I was going to a strange place with no friends, I promised that I would not sit and feel sorry for myself. I promised that I would open myself to new people, I promised that I would plug myself in church right away, I promised that I would not wait to be invited out but invite others in, I promised that I would extend myself to others and give of myself to others. And with that promise my goal was achieved. Once we returned from our honeymoon, we were moving and shaking! Before we knew it we had friends, people over at our house, and active in the college ministry. I felt like I was part of something…And best of all, I did not feel different, excluded, or sitting on the outside looking in.

I don’t know when next we would have to move…I am guessing that three years from now the cards may shift when my husband completes his residency. The entire map of the U.S. will be at our fingertips and we would be able to pick, choose and refuse where we want to live.

Through these major life moves I have learnt that God always provides people in our lives who will be our cheerleaders, and support. The key is that we must remain open to what He provides. We have to put ourselves out there to get caught. And we have to be proactive and be bold about what we want.

The beauty about life is that we have no idea who our next best friends would be. We do not know who will enter our life never to depart…We don’t know who else is out there that we are going to love…and is going to love us. We do not know who is going to be our rock of support when we need it most. What we know is who we have in our life at this very moment. And sometimes we grow so content with our circle, that we forget that our circle was meant to expand. But rest assured that you have a lot of friends…many of whom you have yet meet :-)…once you keep yourself open.

As you go, entering into unfamiliar territory, go brave… knowing that God will unveil many wonderful surprises that will bless your life more than you imagine…They called friends.

You Don’t Need a Title to be a Leader (Mark Sanborn)

I absolutely enjoyed reading this book! Not only was it nice and short but quite encouraging. As the title suggests you do not need a title to be a leader. In today’s society we get caught up with job titles, status, and rank and file. In our every day dealings we say things like, “that’s not my job!” or “that’s not my problem!” and turn a blind eye. However the person who dares to make a difference, especially without a title is truly a leader.

Sanborn could not have said it any better when he said, we all make a difference, and it’s just our choice if we make a positive difference. If we don’t make a positive difference then we make a negative difference. It’s so easy to take the simple things in life for granted. A cheerful disposition, a kind word, a sweet smile, a friendly attitude…It’s easy to think that you don’t make a difference. But you do. When you wake up in the morning with a purpose you affect those around you. I have tried extra hard to have a chipper and friendly attitude since reading this book. Sometimes I think that what I do in my corner is “my business,” but I must be careful not to hinder someone else who is trying to achieve something positive. I feed off of people’s disposition easily. It can even change my mood from happy to downright depressed in seconds…So who am I not to think that I can’t have the same effect on someone else. We all make a difference…I will chose to make a positive difference.


Another point the author made was, “People who lead-whether or not they have a title-strive to make things better.” This describes my work ethic in print! I am always looking for ways to improve something, invent a system to make things more efficient, figure out a way to provide better quality service etc. I don’t mind talking to you about a problem you have at work or how things suck…BUT we can’t talk just for talking sake…we got to talk so we can make it better. That’s the purpose of us talking, right? I find it very difficult at work when others don’t adopt the same mindset…Especially when they have a “leadership” title! After engaging in a negative conversation, my next question is usually, “so what are you going to do about it?” To which I usually receive a disappointing reply, “nothing.” I realize we are not on the same page, and I struggle to maintain that friendly, positive disposition in a negative work environment.


ROI is a common term in the business world that means return on investment. However, Sanborn defines ROI as relationships, outcomes and improvements. It’s important that as leaders we don’t bully people into following us but rather foster relationships and influence individuals through our relationships. We use the art of persuasion and ultimately yield positive outcomes. I am not sure if persuade is the word I would choose to use. I would prefer to say “encourage.” Encouragement can go a longer way when you have an established relationship with someone. Relationships in this sense does not mean that you have to know a person’s family tree, and personal life but rather it suggests that you take an interest in that person as a person. You care about their feelings and you show that you care. You care about what they are doing, and so you ask.


We recently started talking about valuing our volunteers at BBBS (thanks to our VP of Partnerships). I realized that if we are able to build relationships with our volunteers then they would be more engaged with me, more engaged with the agency, more engaged with their mentee…They are more apt to call me back when I call, and I am able to have deeper and meaningful conversations with them about their match relationship. In the end, the relationships I am striving to build with these volunteers will yield better outcomes for our program. Right now I am trying to find the balance of building genuine relationships and being myself in the process. I must say that starting the day with a recognition that I make a difference and that gives me that burst of energy to answer the phone “happier” and push a little further.


Obligation or opportunity


In my job I call volunteers and parents about once a month to find out how things are coming along with the mentor-mentee relationship. After about call 59, I sometimes dread making the next call. The strange thing is that once I am on the phone with someone, I ENJOY talking to them…that might be because I love to talk! But it’s the process of getting there that can sometimes leave me with a daunting task that does not have to be so daunting. If I approach this as an obligation I am only going to feel like a slave to my job…Looking at my list of people to call looks more like a chore…But if I look at is as an opportunity…to make a difference, help someone, encourage someone, help strengthen a relationship, help problem solve (which is what takes place during my conversations) then I approach call number 59 with purpose and passion. And they are no longer call number 59 but Judy, Melanie, and Ingrid…they are somebody. Last week I posted the following on my Facebook status, “When you work with purpose, the work seems easier and more fulfilling!” This could not be truer for me.


I feel like I can go on and on about this book! I will end with a few highlights that I would like to take with me.


• Think like a leader – constantly feed your mind with new information and think critically.


• Make time to think – I imagine myself on a beach, with pen and paper…just thinking. On a day to day this can mean making that personal time with me and God alone.


• Take control of your life – Control what you can control and leave the rest alone!


• Remember to dream


• Make time to reflect


• Mirror those who are successful around you


• Retreat to advance. I love this one. At least once a year set aside some time where you can review your goals’ and objectives for your life. You should be inaccessible by phone or email.


• Enjoy the journey. Take time to enjoy life and don’t become so busy that you miss out on simply having fun. Remember the destination is just as important as the journey…So for every foot forward, take time to enjoy it!

Financial Matters for Couples!

Last week we had a very engaging discussion at our couples’ game night about finances. The question on the table was, “How do you create a financial system that is inclusive of both parties?” Since then, I asked for more feedback, ideas and suggestions.  Ideas and suggestions by others are written in italics.

Communicate, communicate and communicate some more!

Communication is key, as with every other part of marriage. Just like you have a regular date night, have a financial date night where you spend time discussing your current financial state, as well as your goals and dreams. My husband and I pool our resources and don't hide money from each other. We decided in the beginning that we would sink or swim together; do or die we are in it together, so there is no need to separate ourselves financially. That doesn't work for everyone, but it works for us, and I think it's a healthy option.

I must say that I truly love this idea! I never thought about having a financial date night before, but I sure will try it. Thanks Karon! I too believe that both parties should pool all their resources together and create a financial system that is fair and balanced. No one person should have more power because they make more, or more power because they are male (sorry, my feminist side just kicked in there:-).

SAVE like your life depended on it!

My non-married theory is to start off by trying to live off the equivalent of one person's income so that you can easily pay off debts or save for a house with the other income. I know one couple that managed to pay off all their debts in one year and another who used the money to buy a house in cash after five years. Then having your shared expenses (way below the sum of the two incomes) and I'd at least start by trying it so that each party pays their fraction of the household income (i.e. if both parties make the same, they split the costs 50/50, however if one partner makes 75% of the total household income, then they pay that share of the expenses.). I think it'll create a fairer share of "me" funds between the partners. But I'll let you know if it works once I actually try it.

I must confess I am a save-a-holic…in remission! We know how to live on one salary…especially when we only had one salary for the first two years of our marriage!  We got married when Jared had 2 more years of med school and I just graduated from college. We were both unemployed for the first three months, and it was literally my savings during college that held us over until I found a job. Thankfully, neither of us had any debt coming into marriage…no student loans, wedding bills, car payments, etc. I can only credit God and my father’s cheapness for that.

I probably started saving when I was 5 years old. By 10, I knew the concept of simple and compound interest and charged my dad 50% interest if he every borrowed money from me. I loved lending because it grew my savings! Because that was ingrained in me since I was a child, there has never been a day where I never had any money saved in the bank.

Adrienne, you reminded me that with the right focus we can pay off our house in 5 years!!! Whoooo, what a goal! I might have to start that 5 year plan when Jared graduates from residency…

Right before we got married Jared read an article on MSN relationships about how to handle finances. It said to give each partner equal "spending money" per month regardless of what each person made. We took the principle and use it today. We consider each other's income 100% OURS. The combined income is used for expenses and savings...Technically Jared contributes everything towards expenses and I contribute everything towards savings...that's just how it worked out practically...And then once we bought a house, the total savings decreased and the difference went towards the house. Our equal spending money goes into a separate individual accounts...I had to insist that Jared do this because his spending money ended up morphing with the expenses and we were never sure what he had to spend or save. The idea with the equal spending money is that each person can do what they want, spend it how they please and the other person should not be upset by it. Anything that comes out of our savings is discussed and agreed upon...and if we can’t agree we table the discussion until we can come to some compromise. Examples of that would be buying a house or car. There has never been a decision that we could not agree on even if we start on different sides of the fence.

We I have a joint "Bill Account".  A certain percentage of our income goes into this account each month to be used for all of our household bills.  He is the primary bread winner, so the percentage that he contributes is greater than the one I do.  We also have a joint savings acct that we both try to contribute to on a monthly basis. We also each have a separate checking acct that we use solely at our own discretion.  This helps eliminate fussing over the small things that come up...like me getting my hair done or him purchasing some electronic device. It also helps us surprise each other occasionally with gifts!  Anytime the need/desire arises for one of us to purchase something "big", we discuss it with each other and usually pay a portion of the price from our individual acct and a portion from the joint acct.  As for giving LARGE amounts of money to family members...we don't "lend" anything.  If we can't afford to give it away, then we don't do it.  And we discuss and agree on these matters before any transactions are made. Both of us are always open minded about these types of issues, but if both parties do not agree, then a suitable compromise is made that each person is ok with.  Again, this method has worked great at our address, but it may not be for everybody….Often times if there is something that I want that my spending money does not cover, he will just give me money from his acct to prevent us taping into a joint acct, and vice versa.  We may be different that way from many couples but we really haven't had major problems in this area b/c we trust one another and we make our financial needs known to each other.  He knows that I like to spend money and that makes me happy.  I also know that he would rather save and plan for our future.  This way, he has managed to give me the spending money that I need, (b/c he doesn't require as much), and I am aware of this so whenever he needs/desires extra from me, I have NO PROBLEM giving it to him.

One thing that I must say that one of the biggest predictors of a couples’ financial success is their attitude towards money and each other. The key is for both parties to be happy and comfortable with the arrangement. Whether one person has more spending money because they spend more, or  the other person pay more bills because they make more, the key is to agree and be happy with this. One person should not be left feeling hurt because they have less spending money because they make less…(I personally would feel this way if I had less spending money because my husband made more) or one person should not be upset because they are a saver and don’t spend as much but their spouse is a spender. It’s important that each person not only understands their spouse’s spending style, but try to respect it…as long as it does not jeopardize the family budget.

More practical tips on dividing your income! Thanks Matt!

LONG TERMS SAVINGS JOINT-1 joint long term savings account for major purchases (home, car or serious emergencies with 6-9 months of expenses available) contributed to together with 10% of our incomes.

SHORT TERM SAVINGS SINGLE-1 personal short term savings account managed privately by each partner for gifts, mainly, or individualized purchases that you don't necessarily want to get "permission" to spend. Like my Amazon addiction...Again, 10% of income.... See More

SINGLE RETIREMENT-10% of each income goes into our individual retirement.

JOINT BILL ACCOUNT-30% from each income goes towards a joint bill account (rent, utilities, groceries, gas...)SINGLE CHECKING-40% from each income goes to individualized checking.

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/LearnToBudget/ASimplerWayToSaveThe60Solution.aspx

Other suggestions:

• If one person is solely responsible for managing the expenses the other party should know where ALL the usernames and passwords are for all accounts. You never know what can happen to your spouse where you would suddenly need to manage the expenses…How frustrating would it be if you have no idea where to find the online electric bill etc. that needs to be paid!
• Track ALL your income and expenditures from ALL your accounts in one place – http://www.mint.com/
• Track your monthly expenses in an excel spreadsheet and email it to your spouse every month.
• Don’t forget life insurance, retirement, emergency savings, long term and short term investments. There are nonprofits who can offer financial advice. Check out the black urban league.